Stalking? (guest post #2)

Unfortunately, I'm still having the same blogging issues mentioned in the PS of this post. Fortunately, however, my anonymous guy blogger has sent me another post. Here you have it:

Now that I am 33 I have had a harder time getting out and meeting Single LDS women. It seems I have hit some invisible barrier and cannot get past it. This has opened up new challenges when it comes to dating. How does one go about meeting “The One”? I am not allowed to go to the young single adult ward because I am over age. If there was a single adult ward available then I am lumped in with a broad spectrum of ages. This spectrum is from 80 year olds carrying oxygen bottles to the brand new 31 year old who have graduated (feels more like flunked) out of the Young single adult ward. Activities that I hear about are planned by the YSA. I go to those on rare occasion but then there are always the questions of “Where do you go to church?” Followed by an awkward “oh” What I find humorous is that there is an “age difference” between 33-28 yet there is none between 28-23.

So I have been pushed to other venues in order to date. Online dating is one of the more successful ones. I can meet and talk to women and I can even do that in the comfort of anonymity. I don’t think online dating is really a great choice but it’s a choice when I don’t have a lot. Another Venue that has been surprisingly successful has been Facebook. I have been able to meet some people and get to know them through networking.

So I found this girl that seemed interesting. She was a good friend of one of my best friends in another city south of here. I had heard a lot about her from my buddy and she piqued my interest. I Facebook friended her and attempted to chit chat. I was in another city so being introduced wasn’t really a option. I had my friend talk to her about me. And I asked him if she would be bothered if I asked her out when I came into town. He stated she is cool and couldn’t see a problem with that. This is where I went wrong. First off Men don’t understand a woman’s psyche. Second bad things happen when 2 woefully social inept men try and reason out what a woman is going to do. As you can tell it went horribly wrong. I did go about asking her out and was then labeled “Stalker” for my efforts. And all I really did was ask her out on a date so I could get to know her. I did go and visit my buddy who unfortunately got caught in the middle of this fiasco. Now this girl wouldn’t ride in the same car as me. She didn’t want to hang around me but yet wanted to talk and hang out with my buddy. She kept trying to make my buddy choose between me or her. I felt bad for him and I felt bad someone considered me that way.

This experience hurt me to the core. I am a nice guy, yep the one who the Bachelorette sends on his way. I don’t really want anyone to think bad of me. I am just lonely and want to have someone I can share a life with. I know I don’t say the right things nor am I perfect. And let’s be honest I don’t understand women. But what makes me or other men a “Stalker”? Due to this experience I have reflected on Stalkers. Is my behavior giving someone that impression? Am I weird or make people uncomfortable?

Acceptable behavior. So I have noticed that sometimes depending on how good looking or likeable the person is, makes their actions acceptable when in others it wouldn’t be. Would you be bothered, if a guy (that looked like a movie star) followed you like a little puppy dog? That’s cute right? You wouldn’t mind having one of those guys around you all the time. Now say its someone who is like Jabba the Hutt following you around. Still cute? No? STALKER!!!! Is there a difference other than their appearance? I not certain that is fair, but have we really stopped and thought about it? I am just as guilty. Countless times have I done stuff for girls simply because they were attractive when I wouldn’t for anyone else. I helped cute girls move for free when I made my own brother buy me pizza and soda. How many more times have I done this? I sometime have to reflect to myself would I allow this behavior no matter who it is? Sadly I have seen and fallen short many, many times.

I Told Him I wasn’t Interested. Communication is one of the things that I think makes a stalker. A message of you are making me uncomfortable is not being received instead the person is thinking that you are playing hard to get or some such silliness. I have found a phenomenon that woman think that they are clear in their message to men. They are not, especially within my mind. Because of this any subtle hints (and not so subtle hints) a female may have dropped in my direction I have obliviously missed. I don’t think I am the only one to not get these clues it is almost a males rite of passage. I hear all of my female friends that say “I like it when a guy pursues me.” And so you combine the TWO of not getting hints and trying to woo and pursue and get a mess! There is a fine line between persistence and being a stalker. It’s pretty easy to cross that line. I think I have crossed it a few times but my intentions were good. Regardless I missed the mark. If only that girl been direct I could have saved the heartache on both sides. I think the best way and the only way is to be direct in your feelings. The problem becomes when you don’t want to confront someone and rather avoid them. This gives mixed signals, and exacerbates the problem. Everyone is different and they handle things differently that is where the real challenge is to try and communicate.

Irony. So ironically the girl that accused me of being a stalker showed up again. I had deleted her on Facebook and severed ties to save what dignity I had left. This worked well until She needed to recreate her Facebook profile. So who did she invite as a Facebook friend? That’s right ME! I handled it as best as I could because I really wanted to let her know how I felt about all this. This was my reply.

SOOO..........I do know who you are. In fact I don’t mind if you are my friend. I am concerned as the last information I got from a very reliable source you considered me a stalker.It was never my intention to give you that impression. In this spirit I am rejecting your friend request. If you feel that impression is incorrect or you have decided I am not a stalker. Please feel free to add me again.

Thank you

Maybe this was a little cold but it was direct and honest and that is what I thought was good about it. What is crazy is that she was MAD that I rejected her Facebook request?!?!??!??!??

What are your thoughts on what makes a stalker? Is it really a creepy guy? Or is it some misunderstanding/miscommunication?

What are the chances?

Remember OS?

So the other day I just happened to run into his father. In a freakin' foreign country. And not even the same country where I'd known him and his family before. Seriously, how is this even possible? Totally blows my mind. It's one of those situations where you can't help but wonder if it's more than a coincidence.

It was kind of an awkward encounter. I hadn't seen him since I ended things with his son a couple of years ago.

I really, really wanted to ask him how his son was doing. But how could I?

Did I mention I still think about OS sometimes? We were so compatible in very unique, yet important ways.

I guess you could say I do have regrets. And yet, I really did what I thought was best at the time. Can we ever do more than that?

A male perspective (guest post #1)

I've had a couple of interesting emails from one of my male readers so I asked him if he would mind doing a guest post giving a little male perspective. Here is what he had to say:


I was asked to write my own personal feeling here in this blog. I feel honored for being allowed to do so, but feel I am just the male half of why I’m still single side of the coin. I think I like to open on my thoughts on what I have learned after 33 years in Singledom. I think the biggest theme I learned is some guys have game, and I do not. I have always hated The Game but have found I must play it even if I don’t want to. Which I think plays a part in why I don’t have game. On the other hand I have had the unique experience to understand what not to do in my quest for getting married.

One of my biggest mistakes is my over eagerness when it comes to dating. I mean I asked this smart charming intelligent beautiful girl on a date and she even said YES!!! What more can there be, its LOVE!! I’m exaggerating a little but I have caught myself on this line of thinking. It’s like I try and do a 400 yard dash in a dark room, and all I end up with is a lot of bruises. The more excited I have gotten the more unlike myself I have become. This change in turn has been very noticeable and undesirable. My biggest successes were when I hadn’t even noticed I was in to them. I remember in high school there was this girl at a church swimming party just sitting on a table all by herself. When I saw her my first thoughts were "I bet she is bored". I sat next to her and next thing you know we went out on several dates. That’s how it should be each and every time not just one offs.

Another one of my repeated mistakes is tying my self-worth to being attractive/dateable/married. This doesn’t work but I repeatedly do it. I think this blog touches on this theme a lot. What I can say is I have had a lot of pressure on being married. A lot of Non Mormons would raise a eyebrow at this but let me explain. I am the youngest of 7 and all of them are married and have 3-5 kids each. My parents are nearing their 50th wedding anniversary. Couple that with if you're 27, LDS and not married, you're a menace to society statements and yea I feel the pressure. I have read many church articles on being single in the church and they all seem to point to the single women of the church. It’s like to be a man it’s my fault I am single. While I do agree to take responsibility for my actions what I don’t understand is that it takes 2 to tango and a man just can’t marry himself. I think I am trying but it isn’t happening the way and when I want it to. In essence all of this pressure has made me think it’s me that is the problem. When it’s really not it’s just the circumstances of it. What happens is a never ending cycle, a worth cycle. I recently read a book that talked about appearance in how it’s an ultimate expression of you and how you are. I think there is validly in that statement. What happens on my worth cycle is that when I put all of my self-worth on being attractive/dateable/married and I am not attractive/dateable/married then I have no self worth. I express that in my appearance, mannerisms and such which then shows others that I am not attractive/dateable/married, Which perpetrates the downward spiral. What I have found is I need to stop being what I am not (at the moment) to what I am (at the moment).

When I was younger if I had read what I wrote here I’d say it was all cliché. The thing is when I was younger I missed some of the most basic lessons, I should of learned.