by SS
So I had another little lunch date while I was out of town last weekend. It was with the guy I mentioned here who doesn't have an acronym yet. I'll dub him SAHD (as in, Stay at Home Dad) although he's neither a dad nor does he stay at home.
In case you don't feel like going back and reading the original post (it's okay, I respect your laziness :)), basically he's an old friend of mine who has told me that he's completely okay with my crazy life plan and lack of domesticity. Even to the point that if we got married he would consider being a SAHD if it became necessary to help me stay on track with my career. And, not gonna lie, on a certain level this idea is totally intriguing to me.
We've been friends for years and get along fabulously. But he has been backburnered because I just don't feel a spark. I wish I did, but I don't. Although, yes, sometimes I still entertain thoughts of hooking up with him. He treats me so well. I know we'd have tons of fun together. But the romance just isn't there for me.
This isn't to say that he's just waiting around for me to come to my senses. I've been very upfront about my feelings and he's okay with just being friends.
But I kinda feel guilty when I think of how hypocritical it is for me to be so intrigued by the idea of a SAHD. I mean, if I want my guy to be open to my attachment to my career, shouldn't I allow him the same? If I want my guy to embrace my seeking out all opportunities, shouldn't I welcome the same for him?
The truth is, of course I want my guy to be every bit as fulfilled by his career as I am. I do want my guy to be able to explore all the opportunities that come his way. I guess it's just that, sadly, SAHD—more than any other guy I've ever known—has been the most accepting of who I am. The entire package of who I am—not just my looks or my personality or my ridiculously awesome taste in music. But everything I want my life to be.
Yeah, it's hard to walk away from that. But I'm holding out.
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16 comments:
It's not hypocritical, by the way. Some of us seek fulfillment in something aside from what people consider a "career." Even opportunities have their opportunity cost.
Hi, I'm new here. You're Blog showed up under "Recommended sources" in my Google Reader. I guess that is the thing that analyzes all of my RSS feeds to see what I might be interested in. Google was right (this time)! Your title intrigued me and I was sold when I found your reference to "MO" culture. I too am [newly] single (adjusting slowly) and Mormon. I have just been recently testing the dating waters ever-so-slightly and it is something I think about a lot - another reason why your title intrigued me. I look forward to catching up on your posts and will take the poll you spoke of in "Do me a favor".
Here's my debate...doesn't the spark always die anyway?!?! Doesn't that romantic, butterflies in the stomach love always fade and develop into some deeper kind of love??
So...if the spark fades anyway, shouldn't I be aiming for someone I can easily talk to for hours??!! That treats me well and has similar values??!!
It makes great logical since, but it is really hard to put into practice! Does that mean I'm just really immature??
haha i just started your blog sounds awesome cant wait to read more!
Welcome, bubba and WOM! And thanks for saying hi!
Good point, McKathlin! It's true--having a successful career isn't necessarily what will be most fulfilling for everyone.
And TISO, I don't think that makes you immature at all. People just have different ways of prioritizing what they're looking for in a partner. I don't think any one way is better than the other. We all know ourselves best (or should at least seek to know ourselves as well as possible) and therefore know what makes us the happiest!
Well, even if it doesn't make me immature...it's prob the reason I'm still single.
**Also, I want to point out that in my last comment 'since' should be 'sense.' I CAN use words properly (I just occasionally don't when I'm typing fast). :)
The spark is nice while it lasts, but as someone who followed her heart and got burned, I'll take "great friends and lots of fun" over the spark if there ever is a next time around.
Here's the problem as I see it in my infinite wisdom. If either (or both, conceivably) give up something they love to be with the other person, that SO often comes back to manifest itself as regret and then resentment. If he has a career he loves and he gives that up to be with you, he may think it's "compromise" to be able to be with you, and it's not. He'll get resentful of you for taking away his dreams, or something like that and things will fall apart. This of course doesn't hold water if he has truly dreamed of being a SAHD all his life and you are fulfilling his dreams...I'm guessing no on that angle though. :-)
So, I think you're probably making the right decision on this one.
I am reconsidering my take on the "spark" based on some of the comments, good food for thought, maybe you should do a post on that SS.
But Ryan, if the spark is important to you, wouldn't your giving that up ultimately lead to that regret and resentment that you mentioned? I think the only way you could reconsider the spark is if it really wasn't too important to begin with. Otherwise, somewhere down the line, won't you regret that you didn't hold out?
Well, my experience with the spark is limited to one time. It was SO strong from day one and for me stayed strong for the duration of our brief relationship. However, it wasn't strong for her after we'd been together a little while. She ended up breaking up with me. SO, is the spark REALLY that good? I have plenty of girls that are into me but I don't feel the spark, so I don't give them a chance. Am I missing out on something? My re-thinking the spark issue isn't about saying it's not important, maybe more like - I should look at other things as important too and just see what happens sometimes. I mean I can't do any worse than I did when I did feel the spark, right? Maybe the spark is just lust? Can't be that though, or I'd feel it with every attractive girl I go out with, right?
Yeah, I don't think it can be just lust, either. If I meet a hot guy I may entertain thoughts of making out with him, but it doesn't necessarily mean I feel the spark that makes me want to date him.
I guess I haven't really felt a really strong spark that many times, either. But I have felt it from the beginning of each one of my what I would call "serious" relationships. (Disclaimer, though: I haven't been in that many serious relationships.)
The last time I really felt it strongly was over 2 years ago. But I totally botched it with my mixed signals. :( Anyways, it's not too hard to think about going without the spark until I remember how I really felt about these particular guys. Then it's hard to not want to have that again.
Interesting, I felt(feel) the same way about the spark. But obviously it's not enough. It's gotta be mostly physical attraction to the right person with the right chemical reaction. The time I felt it, it was immediate when I met the girl and, like I said, it continued for me the whole time I was with her. EVERY time I saw her I felt it again. I was a truly great BF, but it didn't work out, so...
I guess what I'm saying is, I want it but there is obviously a lot more to it with a relationship. SO, is it possible that the spark can "grow" or does it have to be immediate? That's the $million question for me.
You guys should read, "The Five Love Languages". It talks about "the spark" and relationships.
I've read it, it's just OK. I'll hve to go back and look for the part about the spark, I don't remember that...
Bubba, I read it a couple years ago and don't remember anything about "the spark." I think it's one of those books like "He's Just Not That Into You" (which I actually haven't read) where you can pretty much get all the meat out of it by just reading the title and maybe the back cover. I do however, think the idea of love languages is useful in helping you be able to communicate your appreciation for friends and family as well as significant others.
Anyways, I wish I had an answer to your million dollar question, Ryan. I never wait around long enough to see if the spark can actually develop over time. If it's not there within the first couple of dates, I move on. Probably why I'm still single. (Among a billion other reasons enumerated on this blog. :))
Your are both correct that the book does not use the EXACT word, "spark". It speaks about a period of (give or take) two years where a couple is in a state of euphoria, the are "in love", "twitter-pated". The other person in the relationship can do no wrong and they feel "destined to be together". I am summarizing poorly without the book in front of me, but you get the idea. It is these things to which I refer when I use the term "the spark".
Soon, in every relationship, this state of euphoria wears off and the couple is left seeing the person for who they really are. Suddenly the things that used to be "cute" are now annoying. Now the couple is left with, among other things, how they communicate love with one another.
Enter, "The Five Love Languages".
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