Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Because I hate dating.

by SS

Probably because I suck at it.

Don't be fooled by A's glowing review of me. I'm sure most of you have figured this out after reading my blog, but there are reasons I'm still single. While I don't believe that dating quirks necessarily keep a person single, they obviously can making finding someone a bit more challenging.

So yeah, I hate dating. I know—I'm not alone in this. But I hate it for different reasons than a lot of people. For me, it's not so much the games and stuff. It's not even the possibility of rejection. I can handle all of that pretty well.

Mostly it's just the being one-on-one with a person I'm not totally comfortable with yet. This is true whether I'm with a guy or a girl. I don't like being one-on-one! (Unless I know you pretty well.)

I'm naturally pretty shy and feel downright awkward when I'm alone with someone new. I get nervous. I feel like I'm going to run out of things to say. I'm afraid that I won't be interesting. I worry that I'll have nothing in common with the other person.

And so I usually try to avoid dating unless I already really like the person. I know part of the point of dating is getting to know someone, trying to figure out if you could like them. But for me, I'd rather just cut that stress out of my life. Given a choice, I'd hang out with old friends with whom I'm guaranteed to have a good time rather than take the chance of going on a one-on-one date with someone new.

Almost 4 years ago I started keeping a dating journal. I basically started recording anything that had to do with my love life (or lack thereof). I recorded dates I went on, guys I was interested in (whether I ended up going out with them or not), and guys that were showing interest in me.

One night, a little over 2 years ago, something struck me as I was writing. I started going over all my entries from the previous 2 years. You know what I learned?

I only go out with about 30% of the guys that ask me out. There was this one 3-month period in particular where I had turned down every single guy that had asked me out.

This is not me being stuck up. This is not me being picky.

This is me not wanting to be alone with guys I don't know very well. This is me wanting to do something besides go on a date.

Every now and then I snap out of this. I talk myself into getting out of my comfort zone. (See BSDB, for example.) But most of the time, if there's not an instant spark, I'm not even going to go on one date with a guy. Unless the guy is totally creepy, most girls will at least give a guy one date. After all, it's a free meal, right?

Not me. I will turn you down if I don't want to go. I'll do my best to be nice about it, but you won't get the token date from me.

And, not only do I throw away a large number of dating opportunities, but I also suck at sending the appropriate signals. A boyfriend once told me that if he hadn't been so into me and determined to win me over, he would've given up long before he ever became my boyfriend. He said I seemed distant and wasn't reciprocating anything. As far as he could tell, I wasn't into him at all.

This was shocking to me. Especially because I had been so into this guy from the moment I met him. To this day, I still remember the exact place where I first saw him.

Then there was this other guy that I had been out with several times. After one of our dates he just stopped calling me. I was totally confused because I was digging him and it really seemed like he reciprocated. I was really sad, but finally just decided that I had misjudged his feelings.

I didn't run into him until a few weeks later. He started getting all flirty with me so I had to ask him what was up. Why had he never called me again? You'll never guess what he said. He told me that on the night of our last date he had been planning on having the DTR. He had been planning on going exclusive! But he said that every time he tried to put his arm around me or get serious for a moment, I pulled away. So he decided I wasn't that into him and pulled away himself. I was shocked. I honestly had no clue.

By that time things had pretty much fizzled so it never went anywhere. But the whole thing was very upsetting. What's even stranger about all this is that I'm really a physical person.

I don't know what happens to me with guys sometimes. But I turn into a total dork. Apparently it will take a very patient man to pin me down. But I don't do this on purpose. I just know I need to cut it out.

49 comments:

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Bummer.

I walk away pretty fast if I don't feel there is earlier interest and reciprocation too.

I wonder what the percentages of girls interested are versus girls just unaware of their red lights.

-j

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

I meant uninterested.

Nate said...

At least you don't do the token date thing if you don't want to go. I was always bothered by girls that did that to me. I was asking them out because I wanted to spend an evening with them. If they didn't want to spend an evening with me, I had better things to do. Looking back, the dates I hated the most were the ones where it became obvious that the girl really didn't want to be there and only came because she was supposed to be "nice."

Adriel & Tierra Wakefield said...

I was the exact same way. Luckily, my husband was very persistent and aggressive enough to keep asking me out until I was comfortable with him.

wry said...

oh, I have the same problem. This is why:

"...brain scans of those infatuated by love display a resemblance to those with a mental illness" -From the Wikipedia article on Love.

I don't care what you say about wiki, even if that isn't true, it always feels that way.

guys are dumb and girls are clueless, and together we repopulate the world. go figure. :)

Ryan Hadlock said...

Did you really just say, "...it's a free meal, right?"

Do girls really think this way? Dangit, I always pay for dinner the first date. I am never paying for a first date meal again! It's going to be walks in the park from now on :-D

It is interesting that you liked that guy and still pulled away...I admit I haven't read your whole blog, I'm actually pretty new to it, but what was so traumatic in your life that you can't trust a guy you like with your feelings?

Taren said...

you know, i feel like i wrote this. everything about dating is just wrong on so many levels. and the physical part and the being alone part is hate unless i'm comfortable with someone, but usually the guy will give up before it reaches a comfortable level.

alex dumas said...

I'm totally on the same page. I'm going to need someone persistent.

Mechanica said...

I was the exact same way! I dreaded going on dates and would much rather hang out with my guy friends that I was so comfortable with even though I knew there was no possibility of marrying any of them. I would just hang out every weekend. So much easier and fun than trying to build a new relationship with someone else. At one point I decided that I really needed to be more open to dating no matter how much I hated it. I resolved to give guys who asked me out a chance and actually started praying for help to be able to do it. Since I was NEVER excited to go on a date, it was really hard for me. Not long after that my husband came a long and I am sooooooooo happy that I had decided to work on being more open and give him a chance. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me!

Gus, BYU Dude said...

So, like, we're all, shy and nervous?

I think Elder Uchtdorf had it right when, I believe, he called us out to not worry about it. I think his exact words in the CES Fireside were, "Ferget about it! You do your thing, he does his, bada bing bada boom, you're find yourself a little somethin, somethin..."

Or I could just be misinterpreting his words.

Anonymous said...

I have decided to unsubscribe to your blog after the last few posts. It has become unrelatable and mostly about how wonderful you are and how everyone wants to date you. Very annoying.

Adriel & Tierra Wakefield said...

Anon, I will have to agree somewhat. I've been getting that vibe also, but decided to give the benefit of the doubt...for a little while longer.

nikki said...

...maybe she is wonderful and lots of guys want to date her...

i like to write about how wonderful i am. because, i am, dangit. and i bet if i werent married lots of people would ask me out. just last week while walking in hollywood, a man stopped me and called me a milf. i bet he'd take me to dinner first (its only right).

go on with your wonderful self, SS. write it how you see it.

Courtney said...

I soooooo feel your pain.

Dating really shouldn't be this hard, you know.

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Wait... so if a person talks about how wonderful they are and how often they date, that's a bad thing? Crap. Maybe I should start a cooking blog or something.

Adriel & Tierra Wakefield said...

Didn't say it was something bad. You can talk all you want about how great you are or how people are just clamoring at your door, but that's not why I was reading this. My own personal attraction to the blog was not for those reasons (why I also don't read Mormon Bachelor Pad). Had to side with Anon...but that's just me...do whatever you want cause I'm sure you don't care if I read or not.

Gus, BYU Dude said...

I think it's cause you're just married, Adriel.

Adriel & Tierra Wakefield said...

It's Tierra, btw...Adriel is my male half. I guess my marriage blinders inhibit me from realizing what I like to read and what I don't like to read.

Just kidding...for the most part. I do understand what you're saying and I can agree to an extent. After all, I'm probably not the target audience.

whyimstillsingle said...

I don't usually bother to respond to anonymous criticism, but this time I'm going to. Anon at 3:18 probably won't be back to read this and frankly, I don't care either way. But Tierra has consistently made respectful and meaningful contributions to the blog and if
she agrees with Anon, I start to think that others of you may feel the same way.

Don't get me wrong. If you don't like me or decide not to read my blog anymore, I'm not going to cry myself to sleep at night. I'm choosing to defend myself here NOT because I ultimately care what you think, but because it's an opportunity to drive home one of the key messages of my blog. You may disagree with my message. But if I haven't done my best to convey that message, then I only have myself to blame.

Near the beginning of my blog, I did a post entitled "Dating 'too little' vs. dating 'too much'." (http://whyshesstillsingle.blogspot.com/2009/04/dating-too-little-vs-dating-too-much.html) My point was basically that, no matter how much we date, we are ALL just as single as the next single person. There is plenty of dating frustration whether you are dating a lot or dating just a little. It's ridiculous to compare one person's dating woes to another's. Each one has their own struggles and challenges to overcome.

In fact, I expressed a preference for the frustration that comes with dating just a little because then it's easier to deflect blame. If no one is asking me out, I can blame the "stupid guys" or the "stupid dating situation." But if I am dating a lot and none of them are working out, then I put more blame on myself. I start to wonder what's wrong with me. I start to wonder why I can't seem to make anything work out.

From this perspective, the above post is about a girl who sometimes gets sad and frustrated because, even though she dates a lot, none of them seem to work out. It's about a girl lamenting the dating process and how it hasn't worked for her. It's about a girl who worries that unless she can work out some of her quirks, she will end up alone. Instead, you saw a girl bragging about how many guys are asking her out because she's so wonderful? Wow.

Apparently my dating (or getting asked out) a lot makes me "unrelatable." But the stories I share are my life. Sometimes they're funny. Sometimes not so much. But they're real. And sometimes they're really frustrating to me. I said it in the above post--I obviously have weird dating quirks that make finding someone even more challenging. I try to have a good attitude about everything, but sometimes it is totally heartbreaking to me that I am still single.

As far as the complaints about my writing about "how wonderful" I am, I'm a bit confused. Sure, all of us have to be at least a little narcissistic to think that we have thoughts that are interesting enough to blog about. Guilty as charged. I'm a blogger.

But I just went over the offending "last few posts." All I could find in terms of supposed bragging was the following:

--I'm "too smart." First of all, these were not my words. I spent a good portion of that post trying to even figure out what those words even meant--were they compliment or were they not? I was inclined to believe they weren't.

--My job "kicks ass." Guilty as charged. Didn't realize that my love for my job could be construed as annoying.

--I have "ridiculously awesome taste in music." This was meant to be lighthearted. Of course I do actually think I have awesome taste in music. But then, don't we all?

--Yes, there was the trophy sister post. But I realized after writing it that I should probably clarify to my readers that I was definitely NOT the trophy sister, even if such a thing exists. So I went back and added a comment about it last week.

Am I missing something here?

Gus, BYU Dude said...

No, no you aren't.

Adriel & Tierra Wakefield said...

I think I can understand where you're coming from. After all, I even said I had the same issues when dating. That's why I'm giving the benefit of the doubt-cause I'm probably just misreading. When "A" posted on your meeting, it was just a little too much for me, but only because it was so gushy and that's just not me. He's got every right to gush if he wants, but that's just not what I read. I read the news...and occasionally random blogs on dating :)

I guess the "Trophy" post combined with/following the gush was what I was thinking of mostly.

I fully believe in people being who they are, so be who you are.

On that note, someone made a comment about being more comfortable with dating...forcing themselves to...praying to be more comfortable. It sounded like she did that for herself and that's great. I'm very firm in the idea that you should only change yourself if that's what YOU really want. If you're fine with your quirks and discomforts in dating, embrace them. You seem to be doing a fine enough job from what I've read. As I mentioned earlier, I was lucky enough that my husband was persistent and patient in my discomforts and such. Just expect for it to take longer to find someone who is willing to get past those.

So whether it's me who misreads you or dates who misread your signals, you do you.

Herman Peachtree said...

Four thousand years ago, on a patch of land I call Dramamine, the King of Dogs laid in wait with his legions of armies, fearsome, snarling dogs of war. They had fought for three centuries in the trenches of Dramamine, hoping that one day the lightsome halls of Caninia would shine forth on the land, saving fair sons and daughters from the stench and rotting...dating. Yeah, I'm not a big fan of dating either. The more I date--and I have been working really hard over the past three years to become the type of person who can date and be around people when I would rather just be by myself or with close friends--the more I realize that for all my efforts, I don't want to be the person that can work a crowd or be everybody's buddy. I want to be me and I want to do the things I want to do. I don't want to be alone, one on one with some random woman who I have casually met two or three times in the company of others. I feel like I am being dishonest by trying to be the type of person who enjoys dating in the conventional Oaks-approved way. I want to be honest with myself, not just a free dinner. No one likes to be considered a commodity: a wife to marry, a husband to marry. I want to know that I am more than a commodity for someone before we spend time together one-on-one. I want to know that I am interested in hearing what she will say and I want to know she is interested in what I will have to say before we go off by ourselves. Then maybe we can go on a 'date'. In the meantime, I have filled my life up with all of the amazing activities and friendships I want to have in my life, and I am happy. And any time I feel the urge to go on an official-like date, creating the romance, I remember how much I don't like pretending to be something I am not. I have full confidence that as I live my life, work with my friends, enjoy the company of families at church and in my neighborhood, and work on the community and professional projects with other people that legitimately share those interests, I will be happy and I will be able to have rich, meaningful relationships that are a million times better than feeling like a commodity. I can be happy this way--really, fully happy. This life is infinitely better than being in a marriage that came as a result of me acting in a way that was only inhibiting my desires and who I really am. And, yeah, I am new to your blog as of the last three posts, and I'll admit, they create an attractive abstract idea of who you would be.

McKathlin said...

SS,

I wasn't resenting your frequent-dating-single complaints at all. My girl friends have cured me of that. I myself don't date often, but I have a roommate who has to take a loyal guy friend with her when she goes to social functions, just to keep from being mobbed by guys. I used to resent that people like her were so ungrateful for their populatirty.

Then one time I heard her complaining about how a lot of guys want to be around her because they think she's pretty, but they don't listen to her or try to get to know her, they're just there. Then I got to thinking about something similar I deal with: guys in my classes ask me questions because they think I'm smart. They value me as a classmate, but don't notice me as a woman. I realized that we have the same problem: guys see only one facet of us, and they don't get to know the whole person.

Anyway, I feel what you're saying about not liking dates with people you hardly know. I always accept first dates, truly wanting to find out if I want to date this person. But then I feel like I'm coming off as boring because they don't know how to get to know me, and I don't know how to bring out my best qualities, all while not being too eager...it is a bit painful.

I like the idea of forgetting about me and thinking more about getting to know him. But I think part of why my last boyfriend wasn't into me after all was because I was so absorbed in loving him that my own identity wasn't coming out like it should. So...I don't know.

Nate said...

I have to say that the A post gushing was a bit much too. I was initially attracted to this blog for its honesty, the flirtatious banter between you, SS, and you, A, was outside of the normal theme of the blog as I saw it.

Fortunately, this last post gets back to the honesty - you're still single because you hate dating. That's something I remember and can relate too.

You and A flirting with each other on a blog is a completely different reading experience.

Just my 2¢ FWIW.

anonymous said...

I get it, I get it, no more gushing posts about how great SS is. You take a positive slant on a subject and you get crucified!

Joking, I don't care if you all don't like it, that's the beauty of anonymity :-)

My ONLY reason for posting the glowing review of SS and our lunch date, was to point out that this is a great girl having trouble dating. She's not a troll, she's not annoying (at least for one lunch date), etc. She's cool and attractive. I think that makes her MORE relatable, not less, but that's my opinion, and I'm sticking to it.

I do appreciate the honest criticism though, and I don't want to ruin SS's blog, so I'll do better :-)

whyimstillsingle said...

Wow, such interesting comments to respond to! Thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt, Tierra. We'll try to keep the gushing to a minimum. :)

Herman, this was the most beautiful line ever: "This life is infinitely better than being in a marriage that came as a result of me acting in a way that was only inhibiting my desires and who I really am." I feel like I wanna do a whole post off of your comment, but that will have to wait for another day! (Since I already know this comment's about to get really long again. :))

McK, you nailed it. I guess part of the reason I took such offense to Anon's comment in the first place is because I feel like not enough people understand the points you just made. Let me be clear: I am NOT like your friend. I am NOT beating the guys off with a stick and do NOT have to take a guy friend with me wherever I go. :) I do tend to date a bit more than my friends, but I don't think it's because I'm "so wonderful" or so attractive or whatever. (Hey, in Utah I'm probably barely average!) But whenever the occasion rises to have a bitching session about dating, I do not appreciate being shut down when it's my turn to vent because "at least [I] get asked out." Hey girls, I'm just as single as you are! And my frustrations are just as valid as anyone else's.

Nate, I get what you're saying about the gushing being a "different reading experience." I sure wouldn't want to read a blog where the 2 bloggers were just flirting back and forth all the time! But I don't really understand why you say that now I'm "back to the honesty." The fact is: A and I met. We were attracted to each other. And we blogged about it in a very open and honest manner. Based on your comment and a couple of the others, I'm starting to think that "honest" is code for "sucky." Yeah, I've been single for a long time and have had some crappy dating experiences. That's the truth. But just as truthfully, I've also had some wonderful dating experiences. I've been in love before. I've had some really good dates. I've experienced the excitement of meeting a new love interest. I don't think any of those experiences are less "honest." Those experiences are why all of us keep fighting even despite our bad experiences. You said yourself that you held out quite awhile to find the girl you were looking for. And now you've found her! That's happy and it's mushy and maybe people would be grossed out if they had to read the whole story on a blog. But it's also honest. It's your life! Rest assured, my snark's not going anywhere. But I'd like to think that my sharing a pleasant experience here and there is just as "honest" as my ranting.

A, maybe you could make your next couple of posts really bitter or something. Just to appease the crowd. :P

Nate said...

;-) No need to shoot the messenger. ;-)

But in the end, as I understood it, this blog was about why you were still single. That is the title after all...

I didn't find much of any honest exposition about why you are still single in the back-and-forth with A. It's great that you had a positive experience there, but those posts were again, a completely different reading experience.

Honest has nothing to do with sucky.

But I will keep my opinions to myself from now on if preferred. My big mouth has certainly caused enough chaos lately.

Jonny and Carissa said...

I wasted too much time going on token dates when I could have enjoyed being with my friends or doing something that I love to do solo... I wish I'd had more courage to say no!

whyimstillsingle said...

Hey Nate, I don't know what chaos your big mouth is causing, but you're definitely still welcome here! :)

I think we're just gonna have to agree to disagree on this one, though. While I can see why you didn't enjoy the gushing, I do think that both A's and my posts regarding our meeting did honestly address the question of why I'm still single and were relevant to the blog.

Lorelei said...

I think this is interesting because I'm exactly the opposite. I would rather be one-on-one with almost anyone than in a big group. I have a really difficult time getting to know people in group settings so almost all the dates I go on are single dates.

xoxo Lorelei

ThingsISayOutloud said...

I know exactly why I didn't like A's post, and I'm interested in seeing if anyone else has the same feelings as me.

I didn't like A's post b/c it reminded be a lot of my guy friends who I get upset with b/c they are CONSTANTLY focused on looks.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind if guys talk about girls, I just hate that 1) they only seem to talk about how "hot" such and such girl is (and not how nice, funny, intelligent, etc. she is) and 2) it's 95% of what they talk about when I'm around (It gets to the point where I start BEGGING for other topics).

For example, most of my friends are 28 and 29 years old, yet this summer they FREQUENTLY snuck into the pool at a local Holiday Inn b/c they saw hot girls go into the hotel (but had no guarantee the aforementioned girls would be at the pool). Also, they ask out girls that have just graduated from high school and wonder why the dates go badly (maybe b/c they have nothing in common with those girls, and the girls think dating someone 11 years older than them is CREEPY??).

I had some small hope when one of them admitted to me recently that "he probably shouldn't focus as much on looks." GREAT! I was so happy to see that he was starting to realize that marriage has many, many, many deeper dimensions than physical attraction. However, then he finished his sentence "I mean, b/c no woman is hot after 35 anyway, and since I'm 28 and I date 25/26 year olds...she'll only have 10 years of hotness before it fades away."

I probably shouldn't let any of this get to me personally, but I do b/c these boys are 28/29, have law degrees, and are active members in the ward (and they have strong testimonies). These boys are GREAT CATCHES on paper. In fact, they are probably the boys I should be dating b/c I'm 27, I have a law degree, and I'm an active member. However, instead this DEPRESSES ME. I get depressed that this is my dating pool (and I admit, I illogically apply the actions of these boys to most boys...and I'm working on that...but it's hard when a guy in my ward walked up to my friend and said "you're an 8, if you'd start running again, you'd be a 10"...grrrr!!)

So when I read the first few lines of A's post, all I could think was "oh brother...another one of these older guys that thinks he deserves an lds girl with a model's body that likes everything he likes." He was pretty much doomed from that point.

However, I must say that his comments on this post have been respectful and insightful. I think if he had written about SS like this throughout, I would have thought differently of him. Similarly, I would enjoy being around my friends more if they talked about how "attractive and smart" a girl they met was instead of how "firm" her body looked.

Anyway, that's just my (very long) two cents on why there has been so much backlash regarding A.

Mechanica said...

In all fairness, A didn't only talk about still single being hot. He also said that she was easy to talk to, smart and an impressive person. It was part of his assessment, which is to be expected.
You are right that it is annoying when it appears that guys only see girls as a "hot" object and not a person, but attraction is important. Honestly I didn't want to date/marry someone that I wasn't attracted to either. I really would never be able to have an intimate relationship with someone with bad hygiene or physically unattractive. I also want to know that my husband to be attracted to me.
Before you actually know someone, initially all you have to go on is their looks to determine if they want to get to know someone more. I doubt many guys only want someone that is model beautiful. They want the whole package, whatever that is that is to them; whether it be funny, compassionate, smart, beautiful etc. Usually attraction is a big component of that.

Adriel & Tierra Wakefield said...

I virtually stopped dating guys from a certain university...ahem..because of that mentality. They thought they deserved something completely perfect in every way, even though they were far from it themselves. I mean I'm talking about guys who in my books were about a 5 (in general, not just looks) who were totally uninterested in me (who I think is pretty attractive, but maybe I'm biased :) not to mention very intelligent, witty, charming, etc.). And it wasn't just an isolated incident. It happened ALL the time. I knew that I personally needed someone who was aggressively pursuing me. Just how I am and what I wanted in a guy. I had no problem asking guys out on dates-for fun. I knew if I had to ask a guy out, that I didn't really want anything romantic out of it. So I went on dates. BUT I had very long periods of time when I didn't get asked out-at all. We're talking like 1.5 years at a time... And everyone around me was always saying things like, "Why are you still single?" and "What's wrong with these guys at __U?" I mean, I considered dating a guy that was almost 350lb. because of how well our personalities meshed. In the end I couldn't do it because there was no physical attraction (and yes, that is vital). BUT you know what? He beat me to the punch...He said, "I want to date someone just like you." But he didn't want to date me. WTF? But I guess there is some consolation in the fact that I'm with my match now. And it doesn't hurt that this aforementioned guy has told me on numerous occasions that he should have dated me. Haha

ThingsISayOutloud said...

I know that A didn't only talk about her looks. My point (and I admit that it was somewhat hidden) was that A might not have had as hard of a time if he 1) had cut down on the amount of time he spent talking about her looks and 2) chosen different words to talk about her looks. For example, I think that his comment above describing her would have gone over much better.

Angela said...

reading through all of these comments just again reminds me that I'm getting more and more grateful that I'm still single. I agree that attraction is important, and sometimes i feel like a hypocrite because I think I find myself to only ever be attracted to guys that are "out of my league" so to speak. But the guys that are so narrow minded and focused on a woman's hotness... you can keep them. as long as they maintain that mentality they will never have a successful marriage. i don't care how strong their testimony is, how active they are, etc. the examples given by ThingsIsayOutLoud are little boys that are blatantly disrespectful of women.

ThingsISayOutloud said...

Not to be a dead horse...but yet another example of why I (personally) hate dating.

The guys in my class at BYU law school made this facebook group. Snap them up ladies!

Fellas: Are you handsome but brilliant? Are you so outrageously smart and capable and educated that the eyes of beautiful women light up when they see your checkbook? Have you come to grips with the fact you might have to tolerate your future spouse spending all of your money on Prada and Porches ? Will you turn 40 before most women in your dating pool get an undergraduate degree? Can you in one 5-minute conversation endure discussing any number of pointless things with a girl of subpar intelligence simply because she is a total knock-out? Finally, do you have to work extra hard to fight women away because, frankly, you’re such a financial catch? If so, welcome to the Trophy Wife Hunter Brotherhood. If you were a marketable security, everyone would trying to make a tender offer for your company's stock - but you would only be selling to that blonde over there, the one in the size five dress with the pouty lips . . .

CarrieBradshaw* said...

just want you to know you're not the only one who's a dork at dating... I know I'm only 22 but still being single in Utah County is practically an old maid here. I probably turn down half of the dates I get asked on, or turn down most of the guys who even try. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. I don't need the free meals, and I hate trying to make conversation with someone it doesn't come effortlessly with. Same thing, if there isn't an initial spark I don't care to get to know someone. I've had way too many awkward dates where all I want to do is be home in my sweats that I've learned my lesson. I'd much rather be single than put myself out there and waste all my energy on men I never see myself dating.

Although, if I AM indeed into someone they ALWAYS know. That.. I can't relate with you on. But you better be careful so you don't lose the keepers!

Anonymous said...

The information here is great. I will invite my friends here.

Thanks

Anonymous said...

I am definitely in the same boat as you, SS. I guess I have social anxiety or something, because I hate the feeling of having to have a one-on-one conversation with someone.

I feel as if I HAVE to date. People always ask me.. "So, are there any boys in your life?" or "Why are you still single?". It gets really annoying, actually. I have a fear of dating. It's just like an long and awkward job interview. That's why I always say that we should go to the movies instead of a dinner or something like that. (Thats what I am doing tonight) I feel like it is only acceptable if someone is with someone, in a relationship.. I mean, everyone around me is dating, and I'm the only single person. It seems like they look down on me sometimes.

I do get asked out from time to time, and don't get me wrong, I would love to have someone to be with. But I usually just turn them down because I'm afraid they will have a boring time with me (I'm very shy) and I guess I have a fear of rejection.

Anyways just thought I'd let ya know, you're not alone!! It sucks but I guess everyone has to go through the dating scene at some point right?

Anonymous said...

I really hate dating too. Dating for me ranges from disappointing to boring. It is like a job interview, especially when it comes to online dating where your profile is a lot like a resume.

Anonymous said...

I saw this blog and just *had* to comment!

I'm not single-- I'm married-- but I always tell my husband that if I hadn't met him and gotten married I would still be single because I hate the idea of dating. It actually sickens me to be honest, but for slightly different reasons.

I don't like the concept of dating not because you have to get to know someone new and see if you like them, but because often what happens is we get an almost facade of what that person is, and it's not truly honest. I have gotten to the point in my life where I don't have time for flakes-- whether it's from family, friends, work, school, etc. If you can't be honest, real, and upfront with me from the start (I promise, unless you say something super nasty or very socially inappropriate, I won't cry and run off in a corner!) then I don't have time for you. The way I see it, dating is a little like what the last anon commenter said-- it's almost like a job interview. At the interview, a potential employer doesn't always get the complete picture of who they are looking to hire. On paper things may look good, and the person may have the right answers to your questions, and their references may be great but that's not who *they* really may be. Granted, you shouldn't share every sordid detail about yourself from the get-go, but things shouldn't be fake either.

And to me, it seems like dating is rather fake and is almost like a game that people regard it as. Not to mention, I also am more serious-minded when it comes to dating, and I know everyone out there isn't like that so that could cause huge problems. Lord help me if I ever become a widow!

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that there isn't anything wrong with the way you think about dating. There's a Hindi saying called "pyar dosti hai" which means love is friendship. Okay, so it's taken from a Bollywood movie but the truth is still there.

Ed said...

"Unless the guy is totally creepy, most girls will at least give a guy one date. After all, it's a free meal, right?"

Typical girl. Tip to guys: Meet at a coffee shop for a first date. Get there a few minutes early and buy your own coffee. Women never, and I mean never, show up early so when they show up fashionably late they can buy their own double shot extra hot tall super duper macchiatto. Don't go to a bar where you will get service and the bill will come at the end of the date. And for God's sake, don't go to a restaurant. Most women are in it for the free meal or whatever. Your shot at seeing her again will be small anyway, so why throw money down a black hole? Either that or tell her that you would like to go Dutch and ensure that she will never see you again...

son said...

OMG!!
This is EXACTLY what happens to me!!! it sucks!

(i don’t mind the one-on-one part)
I usually only date people I'm into from the get go.

As we get to know each other I’m there digging how awesome they are I feel great about us, however they feel I'm distant and unresponsive!

I’m a very physical person as well. So to not freak them out, i try to restrain myself and play it cool but I do so to the point , i assume, that they think i don't have any feelings for them...but i do.

Twice this has happened to me. I fall head over heels for someone I’m dating and end up being heartbrokenly “dumped” because I fail to seem interested and so THEY lose interest.

I hate dating, getting to know a great person, falling for them and then one day it’s “I don’t see us going anywhere romantically” , and you just stand there thinking “what the hell did I EVER do to give them that idea?”

How do you fix this?!

(where you guys still talking about the blog? Or just criticizing all the comments?)

First said...

I love dating!

I used to hate it. I was an awkward male computer science geek, although attractive/friendly I would always say something odd that would turn off women, or be too shy. But I find the more I do it the more fun it is. Now I'm quite sociable. You just have to see it like the game it is, no different from a party or anything else, find some fun activity and then do it. Put the other person at ease and ask about them and have fun.

Life is all about experiences, and what makes you happy personally. So if you never date because it's awkward and you're nervous, well, that's your loss, because it can be quite entertaining and fun. Not everything you do has to fall into the model of "I'm attracted to that person," maybe you end up friends, or have a running partner, or just go blading or hiking and enjoy the outdoors.

Many people take dating too seriously, like it's a big high pressure interview. Naw, just chill and let loose. If some girl is being too uptight and pretending to be someone she isn't, just joke around with her, relate to her, get rid of the formality, then go do something fun.

Life is too short for loneliness. Don't be of the enervated Internet generation that sits around with the emo and the angst and the inability to go out and meet people and get what they want in life. Life belongs to the bold! Carpe diem. Just do it. And if you don't like dating, call it something else and go kayaking and enjoy yourself. Try to kiss her if you want! Maybe she doesn't want to kiss you. Big deal.

A lot of people need to get over themselves. They would do well to have children, where they realize there is more to the world than just themself. If you're so caught up in your own little world, your ego, judging yourself and judging others, you'll be unable to appreciate all the diversity and joy and friendliness around you. Take the vast options the people of the world have to offer! Everyone is imperfect, that's what's so great about the world, they're not all attracted to you and instantly giving you consumer gratification. The challenge and variety of life is necessary to have the life worth living.

Like the hippies said, it's all love. You better yourself by stepping outside yourself, and giving to others.

Anonymous said...

I agree completely undesrtand what you're experience right now. The narcasism in this country is just horrifying. What bothers me the most was the when I was younger it bothered me that I didn't understand the whole dating process, but now that I am getting wiser and understanding more and more the whole dating process the more it actually just makes me just sad and more depressed. It really is just a silly little game where you are tested and played out about 90% of the time and after all the using, manipulators and wacko your deal with eventually you just throw your hands up in the air and give up. But hopefully after you realize that through all this bullshit and waste of your valuable time your goint to start realizing the problem isn't you, but the whole mentality in the United State. You need to start dating foreign woman. The United States really is a sex prison that is the worse place to look for any potential mate and wife. I strongly suggest you start looking overseas and stop wasting your time. I suspect that after you meet some Latin women or eastern European women your going to change your mind about dating. Good luck to finding happiness in dating.

What This Girl Learns said...

Wow, this describes my feelings completely. I'd rather spend my time doing what I enjoy than enduring the awkwardness of a date with someone I'm not comfortable with.

Anonymous said...

I hate dates for one reason, it feels like you're following a set of rules, and human interaction shouldn't be like that. Fuck dating, fuck cliche's.

Anonymous said...

This article is the reason why I hate women.

God this sucks.

Sven Ruygrok said...

HATING DATING

* http://youtu.be/AXoj56gjonU *

Yes! We will all go through it at some point in our lives... (no not puberty) DATING!

Now there are numerous benefits to dating like scoring on the 'two for the price of one' bargains, cuddling and all that junk.

But what they fail tell you is that DATING is not an easy breeze and with todays generation, things escalate really quickly.

So if you want to date the likes of Justin Bieber, One Direction or any other human being that floats your pretty boat, id suggest avoiding these 5 irritating traits of dating!!!