Probably because I suck at it.
Don't be fooled by A's glowing review of me. I'm sure most of you have figured this out after reading my blog, but there are reasons I'm still single. While I don't believe that dating quirks necessarily keep a person single, they obviously can making finding someone a bit more challenging.
So yeah, I hate dating. I know—I'm not alone in this. But I hate it for different reasons than a lot of people. For me, it's not so much the games and stuff. It's not even the possibility of rejection. I can handle all of that pretty well.
Mostly it's just the being one-on-one with a person I'm not totally comfortable with yet. This is true whether I'm with a guy or a girl. I don't like being one-on-one! (Unless I know you pretty well.)
I'm naturally pretty shy and feel downright awkward when I'm alone with someone new. I get nervous. I feel like I'm going to run out of things to say. I'm afraid that I won't be interesting. I worry that I'll have nothing in common with the other person.
And so I usually try to avoid dating unless I already really like the person. I know part of the point of dating is getting to know someone, trying to figure out if you could like them. But for me, I'd rather just cut that stress out of my life. Given a choice, I'd hang out with old friends with whom I'm guaranteed to have a good time rather than take the chance of going on a one-on-one date with someone new.
Almost 4 years ago I started keeping a dating journal. I basically started recording anything that had to do with my love life (or lack thereof). I recorded dates I went on, guys I was interested in (whether I ended up going out with them or not), and guys that were showing interest in me.
One night, a little over 2 years ago, something struck me as I was writing. I started going over all my entries from the previous 2 years. You know what I learned?
I only go out with about 30% of the guys that ask me out. There was this one 3-month period in particular where I had turned down every single guy that had asked me out.
This is not me being stuck up. This is not me being picky.
This is me not wanting to be alone with guys I don't know very well. This is me wanting to do something besides go on a date.
Every now and then I snap out of this. I talk myself into getting out of my comfort zone. (See BSDB, for example.) But most of the time, if there's not an instant spark, I'm not even going to go on one date with a guy. Unless the guy is totally creepy, most girls will at least give a guy one date. After all, it's a free meal, right?
Not me. I will turn you down if I don't want to go. I'll do my best to be nice about it, but you won't get the token date from me.
And, not only do I throw away a large number of dating opportunities, but I also suck at sending the appropriate signals. A boyfriend once told me that if he hadn't been so into me and determined to win me over, he would've given up long before he ever became my boyfriend. He said I seemed distant and wasn't reciprocating anything. As far as he could tell, I wasn't into him at all.
This was shocking to me. Especially because I had been so into this guy from the moment I met him. To this day, I still remember the exact place where I first saw him.
Then there was this other guy that I had been out with several times. After one of our dates he just stopped calling me. I was totally confused because I was digging him and it really seemed like he reciprocated. I was really sad, but finally just decided that I had misjudged his feelings.
I didn't run into him until a few weeks later. He started getting all flirty with me so I had to ask him what was up. Why had he never called me again? You'll never guess what he said. He told me that on the night of our last date he had been planning on having the DTR. He had been planning on going exclusive! But he said that every time he tried to put his arm around me or get serious for a moment, I pulled away. So he decided I wasn't that into him and pulled away himself. I was shocked. I honestly had no clue.
By that time things had pretty much fizzled so it never went anywhere. But the whole thing was very upsetting. What's even stranger about all this is that I'm really a physical person.
I don't know what happens to me with guys sometimes. But I turn into a total dork. Apparently it will take a very patient man to pin me down. But I don't do this on purpose. I just know I need to cut it out.