Marital status = self worth?

I recently got an email from one of my regular non-Mormon readers. (Who always asks the best questions, I might add! :)) She was curious about the phenomenon of women tying their self worth to their marital status. She wanted to know—is it society, Mormonism, or something else?

Well, I hope you don't mind, M, but I'm gonna share my response to you with everyone.

I see 3 phenomena going on here. Dear readers, please feel free to add more.

1. I know several women who truly and genuinely desire to only be a mother. I don't use the word “only” in a negative sense here—I believe motherhood is a hugely important task that is unfortunately often undervalued by society. All I mean is that being a mother is the thing they would rather do more than anything else in the world. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. If anything, I sometimes envy the usually selfless and nurturing nature of these women that is the source of this desire.

Don't get me wrong. I would like to be a mother, too. But also, it really really scares me. As I mentioned before, I'm really not domestic. Also, while I do try to be a nice person, I think I was absent the day they handed out the patient, nurturing gene. Plus, I just really enjoy what I do for work. I'm concerned about my ability to adjust to cutting back on my job to raise a child.

So yeah. I can't even imagine how frustrating it must be for those whose only desire is to be a mom. Imagine—the one thing that you'd really like to be doing with your life is just out of your reach. And, no matter how much you want it, it ultimately depends on circumstances and factors that are beyond your control. This certainly would take a hit on one's feeling of self worth. Heart-wrenching.

2. There's a lot of pressure to get married, especially in Mormon circles. Some of it's outright and direct—church leaders, family members, and/or friends telling you how important getting married is to God's plan. Some of it's subtle and unspoken—watching large numbers of couples around you getting engaged. Cycling through friend after friend as each takes their turn to be married off. All that pressure and it's still not working out for you. You start wondering what's wrong with you.

3. Finally, and this last one is true of certain people from all religions and cultures—some people just do not seem to function unless they're in a relationship. We all know people like this. They jump from one relationship to another. Sometimes they're in such a hurry to be in their next relationship that they end up finding themselves in a bad relationship.

While some are extreme in this desire to be paired off, I do think it touches all of us to at least some degree. I believe the vast majority of people don't ultimately want to end up alone in life. Sometimes I think if someone could just promise me that I'd be married by the time I was 40, I'd enjoy single life that much more. As I've said before, I genuinely do enjoy my life. I'd like to think that I make the most of being single, taking advantage of all the freedom and opportunities that it offers. But, not gonna lie. It would be a bit more enjoyable if there wasn't this nagging thought in the back of my mind saying something like, “Hey! If you wait too long, you're gonna miss the boat altogether and you will ultimately end up alone.” Rational thought or not, it's there. And I definitely don't want to be alone forever.

In sum, I think the issue is complex. This phenomenon of tying your self worth to your marital status may be caused by religious/cultural pressure or fear for some. For others, however, it may stem from a personal desire that's left unfulfilled.