Thursday, December 3, 2009

Little Girl Poetry, part 2

by SS

So, as you might have surmised from my last post, I was not the prettiest little girl on the block. I was wretchedly skinny. As in, not the skinny where people are jealous of you, but the skinny where people are genuinely grossed out by you. And furthermore, they are not afraid to tell you so to your face. Not only that, but I grew up surrounded by a culture where having “meat on your bones” was the beauty standard—not the anorexic look.

Excuse me while I launch into a mini-rant. We all know that a lot of kids are mean. They tend to make fun of those look different, talk different, act different, etc. As the kids get older, however, provided they don't have any major behavioral or emotional issues, they typically will at least stop making fun of other kids to their faces. What they do behind other kids' backs and/or to their perceived enemies is of course a different story. But you won't typically see a normal, well-adjusted older kid go up to some random kid and insult them for no apparent reason.

As I approached my teen years, I started thinking, if I had to choose, I'd rather be too fat than too skinny. Because, at least at my school, the fat kids were typically only teased behind their backs. (A few random bullies being the exception to this.) I, on the other hand, had no shortage of people telling me to my face, “Ugh, you're so skinny.” I don't know if they just didn't realize this was insulting or what. But every time someone said that to me, all I heard was, “Ugh, you're so ugly.” And I believed it. I was already shy and insecure. Over time it only got worse.

Basically, when everyone else is obsessed with your appearance, it's kinda hard not to become obsessed yourself.

If you read my little 13-year-old girl poem, you can sense how much I longed to be appreciated for what I was on the inside. You can sense that I felt I had something to offer, but didn't know how to convey it unless I was beautiful. You can sense my frustration, beginning with fairy tales (curse Disney!) but later carrying on into other forms of media and indeed often in real life, with guys falling in love with girls simply because they were beautiful.

This is why I shared my little poem even though it was embarrassing. I've matured quite a bit since then, but it's still frustrating to me that so many men seem to be able to completely fall in love with a woman because she's beautiful. I know there are men reading this blog who will prove me wrong. But still, can any of us deny how widespread this phenomenon is?

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Little Girl Poetry

by SS

For over a month I've been debating whether or not to share this. It's insanely embarrassing. But ultimately I decided that if I can't bring upon myself massive humiliation on an anonymous blog, where can I do it? Plus, I suppose it does sort of tie into my last post about being noticed by the opposite sex.

When I was little, one of my greatest dreams was to become a writer. I have long since abandoned that dream for reasons that, if not already apparent, will certainly become clear after I share my little girl poem that I'm about to share.

Background

I think it's fascinating that US society (as well as a lot of other societies for that matter) is so obsessed with appearances. Placing people on a Scale of Attractiveness—of which I am guilty!—is just one of many, many examples.

I've often openly discussed with others my thoughts on attraction and the relevance of beauty in society in general and relationships in particular. But being able to share how these issues affect me specifically is pretty personal.

The following is something I wrote at age 13. I dug it out of an old spiral journal I uncovered last time I was home. I got a good chuckle out of it and hopefully you will, too.

So why am I sharing it? Despite its silly content and ridiculous execution (which I hope will make you smile), it does, nevertheless, give a sense of where I'm coming from. If you choose not to read it, I won't be offended. Promise.


Fairy Tales

As a little girl I heard them all
“Once upon a time,” they always began
“There was a beautiful fairy tale princess,
Who was the fairest in the land.”

She may not have been very talented
She may not have been very bright
But she truly was very beautiful
And that made everything alright.

She dreamed of the day her prince charming
Would ride in from a faraway land
He would discover her alone in her castle
They’d fall in love and he’d ask for her hand.

It was love at first sight—it truly exists!
Within moments they’d pledge themselves true.
They’d ride off in the sunset, live happily ever after,
They didn’t need time to think things through.

These stories were a mystery to me
I wondered where on earth they went.
I sensed that they were “superficial”
Before I even knew what the word meant.

Before I even knew what a “relationship” was,
I knew not what theirs was based upon.
Could that have possibly been love?
It only made me want to yawn!!

Like you could just throw love around
It blew all over like a leaf in the breeze
With just a bit of luck it might land in your lap
It was so simple, nothing but ease.

It was like a beautiful butterfly
Gliding from flower to flower
Someday it might light upon you
But it really wasn’t within your power.

This was the concept of love they taught
But wasn’t it something more profound?
I felt it had to be something greater
More like a seed planted deep in the ground.

You had to nourish it daily—
It needed good soil, some rain, and sunlight
Surely it took some effort, didn’t it?
Anything less wouldn’t make it grow right.

Oh, but I’m still a romantic.
I wanted a fairy tale, too.
I wanted to fall deeply in love.
So what in the world could I do?

In my fairy tales I, too, was princess
Deep within my castle locked
I wasn’t the fairest in the land
I wasn’t where all the princes flocked

I wasn’t the most charming or most graceful
But I was myself—something the others were not.
I had my own beauty, intelligence, and passion
I only needed to be sought.

I was like a mystery to be uncovered
I dreamt of the day my prince would find me
He’d rescue me from the chambers of myself
For to my castle only he had the key.

He wouldn’t fall in love at first sight
He wouldn’t instantly pledge himself true
He definitely wouldn’t run away, though
He would wait to see me through.

He’d find all the pieces of my puzzle
One by one he’d put them together
When finished it lay before him
He thought he’d never seen anything greater.

And yet still I was not the most beautiful
I was the same girl I’d been all my life
But this didn’t matter at all to him
He still wanted me to be his wife.

Then he’d take me to that faraway land
Where I’d be free to live without fear
He’d make me his promises, pledge himself true
He would forever hold me near.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Notice me

by SS

I'm running off to someplace warmer for the next several days and don't know if I'll be blogging for the next week or so. I wanted to leave you with a little something to think about while you're enjoying your turkey.

A commenter on this post mentioned that she's frustrated because guys only ever seem to notice how smart she is. Most of them don't take the time to notice any another facet of who she is. The commenter also noted that she has a friend who only seems to get noticed for her attractive physical appearance. This friend is equally frustrated because guys never seem to notice anything else about her.

So here's my question: what do you wish the opposite sex would notice about you? For the marrieds, what unique things did your spouse notice about you that really made a difference?

I'll post my answer, too, but probably not till next week sometime.

In the meantime, enjoy your holiday!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Hide and Seek

by A

First off, I feel like I need to defend myself just a little bit - I merely posted my impressions about SS on her blog after our meeting, because I felt it was pertinent for people to know that this woman is not some kind of mess that could never get a date/boyfriend/husband whatever. Seemed like people might want to know a little more about her, and well my impressions were very good - not only of her looks (which I'll talk more about in general in a bit) but of her overall attractiveness (personality, intelligence, sense of humor, etc.) That's the last you'll hear from me on that topic, but I thought it only fair to mention, because I think I got a bit of a bad rap on that one :-)

So, on to Hide and Seek. Hide and Seek Girl (HSG) is an extremely physically-attractive woman. I mention that first because, like it or not ladies, men are visual creatures. The first indication of attraction is almost always physical for us. I don't date a woman I'm not physically attracted to, it doesn't matter how intelligent or witty or sweet she is. I know you'll all hate that, I know it seems shallow, but really, who wants to spend eternity with someone they don't like looking at? BUT, physical attraction is NOT the only thing for me - not even close. If a very hot woman can't carry her end of a conversation on even the simplest of subjects - it's not happening with me! (and I've broken up with a couple of girls over this, so I'm not just blowing smoke up your collective skirts). I also, don't need a woman to be a model, physically. I would prove it to you with pictures, but of course that wouldn't work too well on an anonymous blog.

Anyway, a while back I met this woman. Frankly, I thought she was probably out of my league, based on her looks - she is model-quality, no doubt! She is stunningly beautiful. I went and talked to her anyway, as I'm not afraid to talk to new people, not even attractive women. It seemed that we hit it off really well. She's a very nice woman, a great mom, college educated, active in a lot of causes, has a great job, and is a generally well-rounded individual. I liked her - there was a lot to like. So, I asked her out and we went to lunch. I think lunch dates are the best choice for first dates just to make sure you want to really spend any time together. Dinner dates seem more formal, though I know they don't have to be, it just kind of seems that way to me. The lunch went well, we talked the whole time, had some good food, and made plans to see each other again. I was pretty happy about it all.

When it came time for our second date...she canceled. I hadn't had this happen in quite some time, but she had a seemingly acceptable excuse, so it's all good, and she said she'd make it up to me soon. In an attempt to secure a second date, I would call her every now and again, text her sometimes, and at times she was responsive and others she wasn't (thus the nickname for her) but I don't like to put too much pressure on women to go out with me; if they want to they will, if they don't they won't and I'm fine either way. So, I asked her out again but we never seemed to get the timing right. We ran into each other a couple of times and we always had plenty to talk about and it seemed like we were pretty connected, I thought. This kind of sounds like this was going on over a very long timeframe, but really it was like a month, maybe 5-6 weeks, something like that.

Anyway, skipping forward, we were supposed to hang out one night and again she had something else come up. This time, the red flags were waving at full mast, and I was pretty over it given the hot and cold calling and texting activity from her. I decided to try one more text just to see what response I would get. I got a response and it was VERY strange. I don't want to post the content, because for all I know she reads this blog and would immediately recognize it...or maybe not - because I'm 100% convinced it wasn't her replying. It was one of her friends messing with me for sure. I played along for a bit and then called her on it, at which point the texts stopped. I replied one more time with a :-) and that was it! Nothing more from her in over a week.

This episode reminded me of a question one of SS's readers posed a while back about how do you know when the chase game is over (or non-existant) and the other person just isn't interested. I honestly don't know. It felt like I gave HSG too many chances, and I don't think she was ever interested anyway, just being "nice". So, I asked a girl that I trust what she thought about how many attempts without a date is a sure sign of disinterest from a woman. She said 3. 3 attempts from a guy with no date is a certain indicator that the woman is not interested. Let's just say I went over that with HSG in a 5-6 week period. Lesson learned? I guess so, though I don't normally believe in hard and fast rules about contacting a woman for a date, or between dates, or whatever. Still, I think the 3 strikes rule is a good one. Any more than that and I think it starts to look and feel a little desperate.

So, HSG goes the way of the vast majority of women I date...or try to date as the case may be. Too bad, we would have had gorgeous children.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Because I hate dating.

by SS

Probably because I suck at it.

Don't be fooled by A's glowing review of me. I'm sure most of you have figured this out after reading my blog, but there are reasons I'm still single. While I don't believe that dating quirks necessarily keep a person single, they obviously can making finding someone a bit more challenging.

So yeah, I hate dating. I know—I'm not alone in this. But I hate it for different reasons than a lot of people. For me, it's not so much the games and stuff. It's not even the possibility of rejection. I can handle all of that pretty well.

Mostly it's just the being one-on-one with a person I'm not totally comfortable with yet. This is true whether I'm with a guy or a girl. I don't like being one-on-one! (Unless I know you pretty well.)

I'm naturally pretty shy and feel downright awkward when I'm alone with someone new. I get nervous. I feel like I'm going to run out of things to say. I'm afraid that I won't be interesting. I worry that I'll have nothing in common with the other person.

And so I usually try to avoid dating unless I already really like the person. I know part of the point of dating is getting to know someone, trying to figure out if you could like them. But for me, I'd rather just cut that stress out of my life. Given a choice, I'd hang out with old friends with whom I'm guaranteed to have a good time rather than take the chance of going on a one-on-one date with someone new.

Almost 4 years ago I started keeping a dating journal. I basically started recording anything that had to do with my love life (or lack thereof). I recorded dates I went on, guys I was interested in (whether I ended up going out with them or not), and guys that were showing interest in me.

One night, a little over 2 years ago, something struck me as I was writing. I started going over all my entries from the previous 2 years. You know what I learned?

I only go out with about 30% of the guys that ask me out. There was this one 3-month period in particular where I had turned down every single guy that had asked me out.

This is not me being stuck up. This is not me being picky.

This is me not wanting to be alone with guys I don't know very well. This is me wanting to do something besides go on a date.

Every now and then I snap out of this. I talk myself into getting out of my comfort zone. (See BSDB, for example.) But most of the time, if there's not an instant spark, I'm not even going to go on one date with a guy. Unless the guy is totally creepy, most girls will at least give a guy one date. After all, it's a free meal, right?

Not me. I will turn you down if I don't want to go. I'll do my best to be nice about it, but you won't get the token date from me.

And, not only do I throw away a large number of dating opportunities, but I also suck at sending the appropriate signals. A boyfriend once told me that if he hadn't been so into me and determined to win me over, he would've given up long before he ever became my boyfriend. He said I seemed distant and wasn't reciprocating anything. As far as he could tell, I wasn't into him at all.

This was shocking to me. Especially because I had been so into this guy from the moment I met him. To this day, I still remember the exact place where I first saw him.

Then there was this other guy that I had been out with several times. After one of our dates he just stopped calling me. I was totally confused because I was digging him and it really seemed like he reciprocated. I was really sad, but finally just decided that I had misjudged his feelings.

I didn't run into him until a few weeks later. He started getting all flirty with me so I had to ask him what was up. Why had he never called me again? You'll never guess what he said. He told me that on the night of our last date he had been planning on having the DTR. He had been planning on going exclusive! But he said that every time he tried to put his arm around me or get serious for a moment, I pulled away. So he decided I wasn't that into him and pulled away himself. I was shocked. I honestly had no clue.

By that time things had pretty much fizzled so it never went anywhere. But the whole thing was very upsetting. What's even stranger about all this is that I'm really a physical person.

I don't know what happens to me with guys sometimes. But I turn into a total dork. Apparently it will take a very patient man to pin me down. But I don't do this on purpose. I just know I need to cut it out.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

AGB is back—and revealing his identity (sorta), guest post #3

No, I haven't been running off to meet any more of my guy readers. While I gotta admit it is kind of intriguing to use my blog as a tool to meet men, A was a one shot deal.

So remember AGB? (Not to be confused with my co-blogger A that I had lunch with a couple weeks ago. This here is a different guy, AGB, who had done a couple of guest posts this summer here and here. See "Guys of the Blog" side bar if this is confusing.) Anyways, I thought he had run away, but he's back! And apparently he is still interested in doing guest posts. Here is his latest:



So I think I will confuse people when I post this. AGB here, I had taken a hiatus and found my crown taken! I have to admit I’m quite jealous of this new moderator. First off he seems like a charming and from Still Single's analysis very handsome. He has definitely shown his charm in his posts and seems to be a big hit with the ladies. The biggest thing that makes me the most jealous is that Anonymous has actually met Still Single!! I can’t say I am any of those things that Anonymous is but I try. To clear up confusion I will tell you who I am, I had kept the mystique only because I thought it worked better in the blog. Now with two of us it will be way confusing on who is who if we are both some unknown face.

So without further ado, My name is Shelby and I’m from Texas. Yes a guy can be named Shelby. I get this quite a bit actually. Still Single thought I was a female for about 6 emails until I told her! I am also glad that your 4 cats 9 dogs 2 horses and that snapping turtle all share my name as well. What can I say the name is popular! Anyways I am 33 and yes im still not married. After saying this 2 reactions happen.

The first is thinking something is wrong with me. That may be so but I rather think of myself normal granted I am a bit biased on that account. I am however a bit different from others in that I tend to fall in love very quickly. I was told recently that I am kind of an All or Nothing guy. I tend to agree with her observation about me. If something bothers me about a relationship I work it out in my mind and then make my decision and move on. Its either all or nothing. Once I have made up my mind there is no changing it for I have made it up and I am ok with the consequences. This my friend observed made me a great husband but a lousy date/boyfriend. She also mentioned I have a great capacity to love. I agree with all of this but it has made for some very unhappy times, because I get hurt pretty darn easily. Hyper sensitive if you will. Still Single posted where she says that most people are bitter because they are older and single. I can fall in this category but lately I am working on my attitude and to be happy and joyous in all things. Its not a glass is half full or half empty attitude. It’s we don’t care if there is a glass at all because I got some water attitude. I will post later on how that is working for me. :)

The second is people assume that its my fault that I am not married because I am male. I think I make attempts to be social. I am shy by nature and I have solitary hobbies which don’t help but I do try and talk to women. I will make an attempt at least if given the opportunity. All the while im being judged that Im not going on dates because I don’t ask, I do ask. Its hard to keep asking when rejection is almost second nature. I am honestly envious of Anonymous because he makes it seems so easy, whether it is or isn’t. Anyways this isn’t a pity Shelby Party! I have that party around Valentine ’s Day if yall want to attend! :D

What I am getting at is that through all of this people have tried to remedy my situation. That is right Shelby needs to be set up with SO & SO at church work school etc! I wanted to talk about How to play cupid. I am the youngest of 7 and my brothers and sisters have tried to set me up several times in my life. And as you can see its been met with failure. I thought it was just them but recently one of my friends was looking to set me up with another recently divorced young lady. He is just as bad as my family!!! This got me to think well maybe he doesn’t know how to be a match maker. SO ITS TIME TO BLOG!!!! So here are a few pitfalls that I have seen when in regards with my experience.

RULE NO 1

People do not automatically like each other. Just because Im single and shes single and we are over age 30 does not mean anything other than hopeful smiles from our friends and awkward silences between us.

Rule No 2

Breaking the Ice is a must! So my brother wanted me to meet a cute young girl in his ward. He loved her family and suggested that she be perfect for me. He told me to add her to facebook. He gave me her name and even her family to add as friends. Because I have had a bit experience in this I asked him if she knew I was going to add her. He of course said No in which I replied. “so out of the blue add her to facebook and she won’t think I am a weird creepy stalker?” In which he replied quite classically “If she did I would be so embarrassed!!!” ………… right Im sure that be horrible dear brother if YOU were the one embarrassed. Let alone the Me who had to go through the actual embarrassment.

Im not against blind dates, my philosophy is you never know when you will find your eternal companion. Seriously though if you are setting someone up with another person do some work and set up a group date. Or a meet and greet, Something to break the ice. My brother and my friend expected me to make magic happen and all they had to do was suggest that I go out with this girl. I can do that myself that really isn’t a help just makes it more awkward.

Rule No 3

Sell the Sale! I have had so many people try and set me up with girls but did so half heartedly that I wondered if it was a pity date for me or for her. If you think people are good for each other. Sell their strong points. “I know this girl who is one of the funniest people I know!” WAY more attractive than “ I have this sweet spirit that you should meet. She is a little over weight but she is a good girl.” It leaves a colored first impression when you don’t sell the sale and just dooms the budding relationship from the get go.

Rule No 4

SPY VS SPY! Information is great way to get the interest going and to make a good first impression. Blind dates are made and broken by first impressions.

Anyways that is 4 easy steps to keep in mind when playing match maker. We single people do appreciate your efforts we just don’t want it to be counterproductive. Like the time when my friend’s wife told the waitress I was really good with hair and wardrobes because she wanted to really impress this lady. Didn’t really impress her, but I was impressed that my face was only a slight shade of scarlet.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Trophy what?

by SS

I couldn't decide whether or not to blog about this, but after reading Jake's birthday post, I figured why not.

Do people ever say something to you that makes you completely reanalyze a past situation? Yeah, I know. I analyze too much. It's what I do.

A few weeks ago I met a guy and his brother who were here visiting a friend. Since I also happened to be close to this friend, I ended up seeing these guys a few times during their week-long stay.

One night the four of us get to talking about our missions. At one point one of the guys says to me, “Hey, I bet you were the trophy sister in your mission, huh?”

I don't respond for at least a full 10 seconds. “The what?”

“You know, the trophy sister. Like the one that all the elders wanna get with after the mission.”

I am still speechless. This is a completely new concept to me.

He goes on. “Seriously, how many elders from your mission tried to date you when you got home?”

I manage an awkward laugh. “I don't wanna talk about this.”

I'm having a hard time putting my finger on why this silenced me like that. I mean, the guy didn't mean any harm by it. I realize he only meant it as a compliment. And, judging by how he had been flirting with me since he got there, he was probably hoping for an out-of-town NCMO. But whatever.

Here's the thing. Names of elders from my mission start running through my mind. For the first time it hits me. I had ended up dating a couple elders from my mission and turning down more than just a couple others. I know, I know. How can it just hit me that this was the case when I've already been home for several years?

See, none of them (well, okay, except maybe one) were elders that I had served with directly. I had met them on the mission at zone conferences, but was never actually in the same city with them. Therefore I didn't really associate them with the mission that much. They were just guys at my school who had happened to live in the same beautiful country and speak the same beautiful language as me.

I now remember how the AP/my first post-mission boyfriend had acted when he took me to our first mission reunion. He was especially clingy that night. At the time I remember thinking, aw, this is cute—he's totally trying to show off that he has a girlfriend already. But now I think—wait, was I just a trophy in some stupid guy game?

I felt kinda weird about it the rest of the evening. I guess I'm just naïve, but I thought girls were safe from this sorta thing on the mission. That was one thing I actually loved about my mission—having lots of great guy friends that weren't only interested in taking it to the next level. I mean, if there's only one place where a girl can be valued for who she is on the inside, shouldn't it be while she's devoting all day, everyday to service?

I guess I'm sorta just wondering, was this guy just being overly flirty? Or do guys really have a "trophy" girl for every occasion?

Friday, November 6, 2009

SAHD

by SS

So I had another little lunch date while I was out of town last weekend. It was with the guy I mentioned here who doesn't have an acronym yet. I'll dub him SAHD (as in, Stay at Home Dad) although he's neither a dad nor does he stay at home.

In case you don't feel like going back and reading the original post (it's okay, I respect your laziness :)), basically he's an old friend of mine who has told me that he's completely okay with my crazy life plan and lack of domesticity. Even to the point that if we got married he would consider being a SAHD if it became necessary to help me stay on track with my career. And, not gonna lie, on a certain level this idea is totally intriguing to me.

We've been friends for years and get along fabulously. But he has been backburnered because I just don't feel a spark. I wish I did, but I don't. Although, yes, sometimes I still entertain thoughts of hooking up with him. He treats me so well. I know we'd have tons of fun together. But the romance just isn't there for me.

This isn't to say that he's just waiting around for me to come to my senses. I've been very upfront about my feelings and he's okay with just being friends.

But I kinda feel guilty when I think of how hypocritical it is for me to be so intrigued by the idea of a SAHD. I mean, if I want my guy to be open to my attachment to my career, shouldn't I allow him the same? If I want my guy to embrace my seeking out all opportunities, shouldn't I welcome the same for him?

The truth is, of course I want my guy to be every bit as fulfilled by his career as I am. I do want my guy to be able to explore all the opportunities that come his way. I guess it's just that, sadly, SAHD—more than any other guy I've ever known—has been the most accepting of who I am. The entire package of who I am—not just my looks or my personality or my ridiculously awesome taste in music. But everything I want my life to be.

Yeah, it's hard to walk away from that. But I'm holding out.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Because I'm “too smart”

by SS

Apparently not everyone enjoyed hearing about my rendezvous with A. I, however, am pretty entertained by the fact that I somehow got to meet a cool guy through my anonymous blog. Definitely wasn't expecting that.

I do have to admit that I was little nervous about meeting him, though. In fact, I held off telling him that I was going to be in his neck of the woods until almost the last minute. I kind of liked the mystery of this whole thing, you know. Having this handsome stranger that I've never met posting on my blog. My concern was that if I met him, a lot of that mystery would be gone. I mean, yeah, we'd seen multiple pictures of each other on facebook, but you know it's never the same as seeing someone in real life and having an actual conversation instead of just emails and texts. I mean, what if they have an annoying voice? What if they can't stop talking about themselves? What if you just don't click? You never know!

But in the end I couldn't resist. Much like I couldn't resist adding him on fb in the first place. Well, let me tell you, I wouldn't have bothered with either of these anonymity-compromising actions if he didn't look so damn good in all his pictures. Call me superficial, but hey, that's all you have to go on in the very beginning. If anything, I was concerned that he would be way out of my league in the looks department. Which was kind of intimidating. But I decided I didn't care. I decided that if this guy is going to be posting on my blog, I wanted to meet him. And he did not disappoint. Ladies, I am sorry, but you're just going to have to use your imaginations on this one.

So yeah, he was easy to talk to. Sometimes I tend to take myself too seriously and so I appreciate someone who is laidback and able to see the lighter side of things. His outlook on life was also quite refreshing. I didn't sense any of the usual underlying bitterness about being single that seems all too common amongst us “older” singles.

I do need to tell you something that he left out. I had just started driving down the road after our lunch when he called me. He's like, “Soooo?” Me: “Huh?” Him: “Tell me.” Me: “Uh, I don't know what you're talking about.” (I promise I wasn't being coy. I really didn't know what he wanted me to tell him.) Him: “Would you date me? I mean, if we lived in the same town, do you think you'd date me?” At this point I think I pretty much just start laughing. Because really, I don't think any guy's ever come out and asked me straight up if I would date him. Usually, the guy just keeps asking you out until eventually you say no or else he loses interest, right? But yeah, I guess A and I have a kind of unique situation. So it was a legit question. Just unexpected.

Back to the conversation. Me: “Well, uh, I mean, I only talked to you for like an hour. It's hard to. . .” Him (pretty sure he's laughing at me by this point): “I'm not asking if you'd marry me! Just if you think you'd date me.” Me (probably flustered): “Uh, yeah, I'd go out with you again. I had fun.” At which point he launches into his compliment shower which you already got to experience in his blog post. And which hopefully made none of you puke. As for me, it pretty much made my night after a ridiculously long and stressful day yesterday. So thanks, A. :)

Back to the conversation again. Eventually he gets to: “I know why you're still single!” Me: “And why is that?” Him: “Because you're too smart. It's intimidating to guys.”

Okay, single ladies, raise your hand if you've ever been told that you're still single because guys are probably just intimidated by you. For being too smart, too together, too beautiful, too whatever. I'm guessing I'm not alone.

I'm not trying to discredit A's observation here. I guess I'm just trying to understand what this intimidation thing really even means. I know it can be real. But how real? And how common is it? When asked (especially if asked by a girl), I think a lot of guys will say they wouldn't let a smart/successful/whatever girl intimidate them. They would say they liked the challenge of trying to keep up with her. They would say they want their girl to fulfill her dreams as much as possible. But how many of these guys really mean it? I'm sure these guys are out there, but I think they're hard to weed out. Maybe you could all wear signs or something? That would really help us out a lot.

One last thing. I have a “weird obsession”??! Hahaha. That totally makes it sound like I collect cats or have a strange addiction to the Home Shopping Network or something. Just to clarify to the readers, it's a professional obsession. Some may call it crazy/dangerous, but I get paid good money to do something that I totally love. What more could I want? And it kicks ass. Hmph.

In the meantime, A, if you do feel up for the challenge, you're more than welcome to come out and crash my "hot, smart, and successful" east coast life. ;)

Monday, November 2, 2009

...it happened in a small Cantina...

Ladies and gentlemen, I have met StillSingle. I told her I was going to write about it, and maybe she will from her perspective too.

It was a simple encounter, no big deal, but since she invited me to participate on her blog, I figured if given the chance, I had to take it. I'm SO glad I did.

We met at a little Mexican food place and had some lunch. We talked the WHOLE time, which is always nice - nothing worse than hanging out with a person who can't hold up their end of a conversation. It was very natural, she is a very easy person to talk to - 1 point. I don't know if we flirted or anything like that, but it felt like maybe we were - it wasn't forced at all so it may or may not have occurred - so, being able to act naturally on a "date" - 1 point. Maybe it was So natural because it wasn't really a date, date. Who knows, all I know is we could have talked for hours if we'd had time. Physical attraction for me was definitely there. SS has a smokin little body (no disrespect ladies, it's just true) and she is very attractive - even better than her pictures, and those are pretty good - 1 point. I had to be VERY deft in checking her out, given the recent posts about boob-staring, and I think I did ok - she really is very attractive so I might have gotten caught lingering just a little too long. If she did catch me, she didn't let on, so thanks SS! :-D Now whether or not she was attracted to me, she'll have to tell you if she wants, it won't change my assessment one bit either way. Oh, and she actually ate her lunch, good sign that she's not afraid to just be herself (and the food is really good at this place) so - 1 point. I'm not sure what else I can give her points for???

After our lunch, I couldn't help but think, "Why is she still single?!?!?!" Ironic, eh? And the only thing I can come up with is she intimidates guys because she has SO much going for her (and she lives in a place with such a small population of LDS guys that the challenge is magnified 100x). I don't know that she and I would be dating even if we didn't live 2500 miles apart, I don't like to assume anything, but this kind of woman is SO attractive, not just physically but intellectually as well. I mean no amount of hotness can make up for lack of personality, and here is a woman that seemingly has it all?!?! Granted, we only hung out for an hour but I was impressed. I hope none of you are puking yet because I'm being overly complimentary or anything, I'm just giving my raw, unfiltered impressions. SS is a fantastic girl with everything going for her. She has one weird obsession (which we talked about a lot, and I find fascinating but in no way want to take part in ;-) ), which I won't divulge in case it gives away who she is, but even that isn't a deal-breaker, really. So overall, I'd reiterate my statement from my original post - the LDS guys in her area that aren't beating down her door to date her, are CRAZY!

It takes a rare guy to be OK with having a woman in his life who is smarter and possibly more successful than himself. It's a rare guy who's ego doesn't get in the way of a great relationship because he isn't the "provider" for his GF/wife, whatever. For me, I look for that - I look for a person who can challenge me intellectually (not that I'm Einstein, but I like to TALK and talk about things that are interesting and happening in the world, etc.) and doesn't NEED me to provide for her! I will totally do my part, but the "need" factor ruins things for me, perhaps more on this in another post... In my opinion and for me, that allows things to be much more natural and organic as the relationship grows, rather than trying to force something because of pre-conceived societal or religious norms.

I will admit after all of that, that there is a certain level of intrigue knowing who SS is and having met her that makes her all the more attractive - the little bit of mystery makes it SO fun. Thanks for going to lunch with me SS, I enjoyed it thoroughly!!! Hope we can do it again sometime on your turf. :-)

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

...She smelled like soup...

By A

I'm waiting to see what happens with Hide and Seek Girl (HSG), to keep with the nomenclature SS has going here on her blog. In the meantime, I am very bored at work today so I figured I'd do a little blogging. I gotta admit, I kind of feel like a girl doing this, but I also have to admit it's kind of fun, so I'll get past the girlie feelings. Anyway, HSG is currently doing her hiding routine after some pretty good seeking yesterday. It's all good, I'm good at the game, as I mentioned before. Since I don't want to bore you to death, I will regale you with stories of past loves lost. If you recognize the headline and know what movie it's from - we can be friends. If you don't, perhaps you're familiar with Chandler from "Friends," or Jerry from "Seinfeld" and how they were VERY particular about their women having any idiosyncrasies. Jerry broke up with a woman for eating peas off a knife, for example. Chandler broke up with a girl for having a large head. The point is, sometimes we break up with people for the DUMBEST reasons. I try very hard to not be like that, as I'm aware that I am not the easiest person in the world to hang out with for very long. I won't go into my idiosyncrasies, but I'm sure they're annoying to some, if not many, women I've gone out with.

HOWEVER, sometimes, it just gets to be too much. Case in point: Cute Honda Girl (named for being really cute - sexy even and having an unnatural affinity for Honda cars - not her idiosyncrasy, however.) CHG and I hit it off pretty much immediately. There was a definite physical spark, which for me is a must have and we had it, from the get-go. Then...I went to her house. I think calling it a pig sty would be an affront to pigs and I was a little grossed out. There were spills that had been out so long they didn't even resemble the original food anymore. There was a mess on the carpet that I think had been there since Adam (still not sure to this day what it was). And there was dirty laundry and boxes and crap EVERYWHERE (and no, she hadn't just moved in.) I can't give her too much crap about the laundry, as mine sits on my bed for days, but the spills and the stuff on the carpet...ugh. We basically had to clear a spot to even be able to make out! Yes, I make the small sacrifices, it's true but I still left that night thinking I was done with her. Buuuuuut, I thought about it and said to myself, "Maybe she's just having an off day, let's give her another chance, she's really cute." Done. We made a date for lunch and she picked me up at my office. Her car looked like she lived in it...let that sink in for a second...yeah, that bad. She had excuses for the junk, and I bought it - YES, she was that cute! I'm telling you. At least she had good taste in lunch locations so I wasn't completely turned off that time.

Moving on, I decide it's time for another adventure to her house. You know where this is going. Uh-huh! It was the same, NO CHANGE IN A WEEK! I shudder to think how long that spilled food had been out in the kitchen and the same mess was still on the carpet. She had a vacuum, I saw it! I was flabbergasted...I still made out with her (please see definition of her nickname). Then the kicker, she added me as a FB friend and I went through her pictures and there it was...the requisite driving down the road self-portrait from a good year earlier - same car - same mess in the back seat. It was over, the girl was a slob. I personally think I was only fair in the chances I gave her. I still think back fondly on our make-outs and dates NOT at her house or in her car, but then those images sneak into my mind and I puke a little in my mouth. I believe everyone deserves a second chance, and in this case I made the right decision to bail after the second and third chances. I told her I just wasn't feeling the connection, when in fact I was feeling nauseous. I couldn't be So mean as to tell her she was a slob, but I couldn't stick around either. She moved right on to another guy, as far as I know, so I don't feel too bad about it.

Yes, these are the girls that I date...

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

A few words about the DTR*

by SS

I know sometimes it's necessary. Games can get so out of hand that one side or both sides no longer have a clue about the other's intentions. One side may be moving away (or contemplating a move) and it becomes necessary to determine if the relationship should continue. One side or both sides may have concerns about the degree of physicality of the relationship without a certain level of commitment.

Those are pretty much the only reasons I can think of, though. Other than that, they should be off limits.

Probably sounds pretty ironic coming from me, I know. I mean, here I have this whole blog dedicated to analyzing guys, relationships, and myself.

Hey, I analyze things. It's what I do.

But for some reason I've always felt a bit uncomfortable analyzing my relationship with another person with that person himself. It seems to take something away from the beauty of the relationship. Some of the fun, some of the lightheartedness, some of the joy.

Awhile back I found this gem of a line in Khaled Hosseini's “A Thousand Splendid Suns” that struck me with its beautiful simplicity. And it helped me understand why the DTR can be so uncomfortable. “Boys, Laila came to see, treated friendship the way they treated the sun: its existence undisputed; its radiance best enjoyed, not beheld directly.”

That's it. I love the feeling of warm sunshine on my skin. I could play out in the sun all day. But I definitely don't want to stare at the sun or analyze why it's keeping me warm.

*Mo-speak for the awkward “Define the Relationship” talk.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Greetings from the Guy's perspective

The lovely purveyor of this very entertaining blog has been gracious enough to let me play around on it a little bit. And BTW, not to be too flattering, but any of the East Coast LDS guys that aren't lining up to date this girl are idiots. But maybe it's her fault since she seems to dump the nice guys ;-) I guess I'm always kind of amazed at the career girls who can't find a good guy??? I'm a huge proponent of women expanding their horizons, realizing their dreams, fulfilling their destiny, developing their talents, whatever. I think it makes for a much more well-rounded individual and someone a lot more interesting to be with. Anyway, thanks for letting me hang out and contribute a little, it saves me the hassle of making my own blog and trying to get as many adoring fans as you already have.

I guess my job will be to give the guy's perspective on dating in this cruel, cruel world of ours. I'm a little older than most on here I would guess and I have been married before. It does kind of provide a different point of view as being back in the dating scene after being married for a little while just adds a whole new set of challenges (Read: Baggage) into the mix. I am LDS, whether I'm as active or not as some of you isn't really the issue, I pretty much only date LDS women, so there are those nuances to consider. I've tried dating women who aren't LDS and it's too much of a hassle dealing with such varying viewpoints on things I think are vital to a successful relationship.

I like dating and I do quite a bit of it. I think that might be because I've already been married once and I don't want to make another mistake, so I realize I need to date a lot. It's made for some interesting events in my life, for sure! I've been fine-tuning my dating age limits and I'm currently at 28-40 and I do fall somewhere in the middle there. I'm not averse to dating older women, and I don't have any problem dating younger women - I'm much more concerned about the connection. I'm like "stillsingle" in that, if there is no spark (or semblance of a spark), it doesn't happen long term, no matter how attractive a woman might be, regardless of age. I'm not against dating (hanging out with, whatever) several women at the same time, but I will NOT make out with multiple women at the same time - and those of you with naughty minds, I don't mean literally at the same time in the same place, I mean if I'm in a physical relationship with one woman, the others I might be going out with, get no action on our dates. There's a whole weird dynamic to be discussed there, but I don't want to give away everything on the first day. I want to be a long term contributor. :-)

I'm pretty adept at the games people play while dating. I think they're necessary to a point. Without a little bit of playing around, it gets boring fast. I know, I know, all the nice girls out there are thinking, "I don't play games, I hate playing games!!!" Well, I think they're necessary to a point. Not to the point of being a player or being mean, but to the point of keeping interest high. For instance, the woman I'm currently pursuing is very good at the game of hide and seek. This is where a woman is available sometimes, and not others. She texts and calls sometimes and others she disappears. She plays interested and then disinterested. And being completely truthful, it is HOT. Is she dating other guys? Maybe - I don't imagine a woman this attractive is sitting at home at night very often. Is she busy? Of course she is, she has a career. Whatever the excuse - Is she good at keeping me interested? OBVIOUSLY. What is the difference with playing this little game and what most women I go out with do? Most women, get attached FIRST DATE!!! Are you kidding me? Yeah, the constant email, phone calls, texts, IMs, FB messages, etc get SO old SO fast and that leads to no more dates. Kind of contrary to what you think should happen, but it's the truth.

Ladies, guys like the chase! Let them chase you a little bit. Don't be 100% available and definitely don't start planning your future family after so little personal interaction. And like it or not, this is a game. It's fun, it's interesting, it's what you need to do to keep things going at first. YES, the dynamic does change somewhat as you get into a longer-term relationship, however at first - don't be afraid to play the game a little! If the guy is into you, he'll play along. If he's not, you don't care anyway, and why would you waste time on him??? Anyway, I'll track this woman I'm pursuing on here a little, but I have a feeling it's going to be a long pursuit. And in case it gets slow sometimes, I'll fill you in on some other adventures as we go along.

It's too bad "stillsingle" and I don't live closer together, we could totally go out and then critique each other on here to see where we do well and where we can improve, now that would be entertaining - and a great idea!!! Maybe I'll start a service - "Third-wheel Dating Consulting" I'll come along with you on your dates, analyze your electronic interaction, interview you between dates to see what the stress level is over the individual you're dating, etc. and then help you prepare for the next steps, whether that be continued dating, breaking up, bootie calls, whatever. I could make millions!!! :-D

I fully realize this first post is all over the place, but really how many of us are perfectly focused on how dating should go? Discussing it isn't any more direct, that's why it's fun. Hope I can be a positive contributor to this blog - if "stillsingle" hates me after too long, she can always pull the plug. :-)

Introducing. . .

So, funny story. One of my single guy readers shot me an email last week. Then um, I kinda stalked him on facebook. I thought he looked pretty hot. So yeah—eek—I friended him. Which means now he knows who I am—the only person who knows my true identity! I was scared. But I did it. Because he was cute. (Oh wait, did I mention that part already? ;))

So, after several messages back and forth, he has agreed to be a contributor on my blog! See where it says “contributors” over on the right? That “anonymous” is him. And now I'm turning him loose to do as he pleases. Uh, with my blog, I mean.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

I'm free!!

JAF and I are totally gonna make it!

Tonight he had a first date with a girl he'd been chatting with online. He was really excited/nervous about it all day.

Afterwards he texted me saying it went "really well." Even added a smiley face.

Sometimes I hate that guys can be so resilient. But other times—like tonight—I love it!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Come to think of it. . .

Why exactly is it so distressing for a guy to shamelessly stare at my chest? I mean, we can all agree it's wrong, right? Even the guys were bashing this douchebag. It's creepy.

But the thing is, I kinda like it when I catch a hot guy checking me out in a very subtle way. Key word: subtle. Like when he does it so quickly and discreetly that I almost don't even see it. Especially when he doesn't notice that I caught him. I mean, it's nice to feel attractive.

But such a fine line, isn't it?

Monday, October 19, 2009

How to Ruin a First Impression

Today I met a new guy at work. I had first noticed him from a bit of a distance—he seemed to be a pretty attractive guy. Eventually he came over and introduced himself.

We shook hands.

His gaze went downwards.

And did not come back up again for about 3 very uncomfortable seconds.

Three seconds is a loooonnnggg time for someone to be blatantly staring at your chest. Seriously, count it out. 1. 2. 3. Ugh.

Yeah, I wanted nothing to do with his flirty repartee. I was done.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Brilliant

One of my readers just wrote a fabulous post à la Carrie Bradshaw in which she compares men to food. Go check it out here!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Flowers

So I went back to read all the comments on the Jake/Andrea story and remembered something. In my last post I mentioned that several years ago I had also been dumped for being “too good.” I hadn't thought about it in a long time, but just today I went back and tried to remember how the dumping had actually played out.

And then I started laughing. You know how Jake got Andrea flowers the night he dumped her? Yeah, my guy did the same thing! A beautiful mix including 2 fantastic stargazer lilies. I can't believe I had forgotten about this. And this was after taking me out to a nice dinner.

Guys, save your money! Flowers and dinner do not soften the blow.

Oh, and then we still ended up having random make-outs for the next 3 months or so until he—thankfully—moved away. Ugh, why did I let him get away with that?

Oh yeah, I'm human. And he was an awesome kisser.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Do me a favor

The blog is getting almost 1000 hits every week now, but I still have no idea who most of you are. Please take 2 seconds to take the poll in the upper righthand corner. I want to know who you are! :) Thanks!

Listen up, guys.

Have any of you been following the Jake/Andrea story over at Mormon Bachelor Pad? If not, you can go read about the break up here. Too lazy for that? Basically, Jake dumped this beautiful and amazing girl because he felt like she was “too good” for him.

In the beginning I thought it was a sweet story because you could tell that Jake really cared about Andrea. But apparently not enough to tell her the truth in the end.

Does anyone really believe that someone would break up with someone else because they felt the other person was “too good” for them? I totally don't buy it. I would believe it if the guy said she was just too Molly and he liked to have more fun. I think that's a valid reason. But not being too good for someone else. (Plus it kind of quashes my theory about wanting the best that we can get. Psh.)

Basically, Jake decided he was done with Andrea for whatever reason and then felt guilty about it because he knows she's such a catch. So, maybe even subconsciously, he came up with this bit about her being too good for him.

Problem is, he's not the first guy to come up with that story. Yes, even yours truly has been dumped for being “too good” for someone else. What really sucked is that I actually believed him at the time. And it kinda started giving me a complex for awhile about being “too good.” I wonder how many of my female readers have experienced something similar.

(And, just to clarify, this wasn't “too good” in the Molly Mormon sense. I have nothing against Mollies, but I have never been one and never will be. Rather, he said he felt I was too smart, too together, too ambitious. All crap because I'm really not that much of any of those things, but whatever.)

Anyways, I started thinking that no guy would ever want me unless I became less of who I was. I've come a long way since then—this was over 5 years ago. I have been able to find plenty of guys that are all about who I am. But I can't deny that the experience still taints me a little. Makes me a little more pessimistic. Makes me a little less trusting. Just makes it that much harder for the next guy.

So guys, help each other out. Don't you see? You have to tell us the truth. You have to tell yourselves the truth. We'd rather hear that you met someone else or that you just realized you weren't ready to commit or that you just got bored or even that you just realized we're not what you want than hear that we're “too good.” That just gives us a complex. Which is a lose-lose all around.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Some answers

I sort of had a little epiphany today. But I'll blog about that tomorrow.

Everyone seems to be pretty opinionated about the JAF situation. I think it makes for an interesting discussion because pretty much all of us have been at one end or the other at least once in our lives.

Here are my answers to some of the questions you guys threw out at me. (Although most of your questions weren't really in question form, but you know.)

Am I being superficial?

It's not that my friend's not attractive. He is an attractive guy. It's just that there's no spark there for me. Plain and simple. I really don't know how else to describe it. It not that he has some glaring (or even minor) defect that I just can't see past. There is just no chemistry.

I've had chemistry in my past relationships. Once you've had it, can you really settle for anything less? It's real, people.

But if you've been such good friends for so long, doesn't that mean you're already compatible?

Lack of chemistry is the primary reason I will not date JAF. It's not because I have some checklist and he doesn't fit the bill.

To answer the question, yes, there is some degree of compatibility. This is obviously true for all of my friends, male or female! This doesn't mean I want to date them.

I know JAF and I have a lot to talk about and have a good time when we're together. But we also have some fundamental differences that would matter if we were to start our lives together. And I'm not talking about hobbies, people. I don't understand why he's so into football. He likes some nerdy movies/tv shows which put me to sleep every time. But who cares?

I'm talking about the way we want to live out our lives, what's fundamentally most important to us. We differ in a number of areas that are very important to me. The specifics are kind of personal, but if someone would really like to know what I'm talking about, I can try to clarify in another post.

But once again, a physical relationship is important! I want to be attracted to my partner. I do not think that is too much to ask. I am not unrealistically picky in this regard. I am and have been attracted to many guys. Just not him.

Will I regret it if I don't take the chance and end up alone later?

Okay, I've decided this issue deserves its whole separate post. Or two or three. For now I'll just say that while I can't predict the future, most likely the answer to this question for me is no. I know it won't be the same for everyone. For me, I'd rather be alone and wondering what if I had tried vs. being in a relationship and wondering what if I had held out.

Shouldn't I just give him a chance, see what comes of it?

If I haven't felt it these past 2 years, and this includes much alone time together, I'm pretty damn sure that I'm not going to start feeling it now. We've even done some things together that could be considered “romantic.” Didn't feel a thing.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Clearing things up

I appreciated all the comments on the last 2 posts. You've given me some stuff to think about.

I'm planning on forming a more coherent response to your comments and adding a few more thoughts. But that will have to wait for a work day that lasts less than 15 hours. Today was not that day.

I am, however, going to share the text exchange that took place tonight between my guy friend—who will now be acronym'd with JAF for "Just a Friend," and me—SS for "Still Single." Love my acronyms.

JAF: I will [do a certain task that you weren't looking forward to doing] for you, if...you agree to go on a date with me :)

SS: JAF, you're very sweet and you know I enjoy spending time with you but not as a “date.” I thought we discussed this? :(

JAF: I know you're not ready for anything serious. But why not keep hanging out and see if anything comes of the little crushes that we've had on one another?

SS: I've been strung along by guy friends hoping something would happen that never did. It sucks. I don't wanna put you through that so I have to be clear...We're not going to date. I'm sorry, JAF.

JAF: Alright that's clear enough, SS. I had to try...

SS: Thank you for understanding. I hope this doesn't change our friendship because you're one of my closest friends.

JAF: Over the past few weeks I started to develop more feelings for you. I had to find out if there was anything on your end. I walked away two week ago thinking there could be a possibility...but this makes it clear and I'm not going to push it.

SS: I'm really sorry for not being clear then. :(

JAF: What I got hung up on was your revelation that, in the past, you were attracted.
But I'm glad it's cleared up. You're one of my closest friends and I certainly don't want that to change.

SS: I can see how I was confusing. I'm sorry. Things have changed, but I'm glad you still wanna be friends.

JAF: It was never a zero sum game for me...we were friends from the start and that's the way it'll stay!


I now leave you to bash me/give me props as you will. Enjoy your weekend!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I don't think I did this right

It's now been over a week since the talk with my friend. By the way, I forgot to mention we also work together. Seeing him everyday has felt a little different, a little awkward. At least for me. In fact, I've kinda put off blogging about it because I just keep hoping things will go back to normal. But unfortunately, I can't really say that they have.

I realize it took a lot of courage for him to come out and admit to liking me after 2 years of friendship. I think it's very sweet. That's why, when he first told me about his feelings last Saturday, I told him that I had initially felt that attraction as well. I wanted to smooth the blow when I told him that, despite my initial attraction, I now only see him as a friend.

The truth is, I was attracted to him when I first met him 2 years ago. But it passed very quickly. Not because of anything he said or did, I just didn't feel it anymore. And I haven't felt it since.

But I probably shouldn't have taken that approach because it seems he took my rejection as an open door. Yesterday at work, for example, we were both complaining about how sleepy we were. He suggested we take the rest of the day off and go cuddle at his place in front of the tv.

I'm sorry, but cuddling is not happening. I'm not opposed to cuddling with my guy friends—I've done it before. But I can't do it when I know they like me. It doesn't seem right. I'd had to tell him no on Saturday. Why would I tell him yes now? Apparently I wasn't clear enough on Saturday: He and I are not happening.

I've been strung along before. I don't want to do that to someone else.

I appreciate all of your comments. I agree that finding someone who's your best friend is important. Eventually looks go anyways so it's important to find someone you can really talk to and have fun with. I get that.

But also, attraction is still important. The physical aspect of relationships is important. If it grosses me out to think about kissing him, it's not going to happen very often. And that's not fair to either of us.

And would any of us actually settle for a relationship where our partner did not find us attractive? I love my friend—which is exactly why I would hate for him to be in that situation. He deserves someone who is attracted to him. He deserves someone who loves every aspect of who he is.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Just Friends

It's ridiculously late right now which means I probably should just go to bed instead of blogging.

But. I ended a wonderful day with a good guy friend of mine sitting in the car having one of those awkward car talks. You know you've all had an awkward car talk. The kind that lasts till the wee hours of the morning.


Dear friend. Why, why, why do you have to try to change things? We have been good friends for 2 years and NOW you want to date me. Oh wait, you've always liked me? WHAT?


A lot of people say that guys cannot be just friends with an attractive girl without having an ulterior motive. Every now and then I think I have a friendship that proves that idea wrong.

And then I realize: Nope, I'm wrong. I give up!

This is so heartwrenching. I don't want to lose my friend.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Because I haven't met the right person at the right time.

I don't plan on ending this blog any time soon. But this would probably wrap it all up.

I've been in a few relationships where the guy and I were crazy about each other and the possibility of marriage was openly discussed. For various reasons, however, they didn't ultimately work out. (I decided to go on a mission, for example, and got dear jane'd about a year out. Another love-of-my-life decided he wanted a certain lifestyle that in the end could never jive with mine—talk about long, drawn-out break up.)

So yeah. I know what it means to be in love. I know what it means to be head-over-heels. Sometimes I forget and need to remind myself. But I do know. And I have yet to meet someone I feel that way about where the circumstances are also right. Basically, I haven't met the right person at the right time.

A lot of us (especially in the mo community) have been taught some variation of: focus on being the right person and you will find the right person. Or, become the kind of person you want to marry, etc., etc.

While I do think there is some usefulness to that advice, I think it's very limited. It might well serve the selfish person who hopes to find a loving spouse. It might be of use to the loser who plays video games or gossips all day who hopes to find a spouse with depth.

But for a lot of us, while we're certainly far from perfect, this advice is not only useless but perhaps even detrimental.

We are the ones who have been in meaningful long-term relationships (romantic or otherwise) and know what it means to care, to love, to sacrifice. No, we're not perfect at it, but we know how to and are willing to put forth the effort to make a relationship work. We are the ones who have lives and interests of our own and are ready to share them with someone else. We're healthy enough to not be needy, but still realize that there are times when it's good to need. We are the ones who realize that looks aren't everything, but definitely work to maximize what we've been given. We are the ones who are already right for someone. While there may always be room for the improvement of certain traits, we do not need to change who we are in essentials. We have a lot to give. And when we meet the right person, we'll be ready to give it.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Younger Guys, redux

Remember when I refused to date that much-younger guy?

And then remember how some of you got after me for not being more open-minded?

Well, an opportunity presented itself for a brief-ish, um, encounter with a guy 7 years my junior.

And I took it. Mostly because of his impossibly beautiful and mesmerizing eyes.

Also, I don't think he had any idea I was that much older. This is kind of troubling. But what can you do?

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The Mormon Scale of Attractiveness, addendum

A reader emailed me with a link to the famous Mormon Scale of Attractiveness. Many of you will have seen this post before, but it's worth a re-read. So go read it and come back!


I can't really touch such a perfect post. But I will add this—the longer a Mormon guy stays single, the further up he moves on the scale.

Illustration.

Sometime last year I ran into a guy that I knew from my ward at BYU. I hadn't known him very well at BYU, but we did go out a couple times. On the Regular People Attractiveness Scale, he was probably about a 5. Therefore, based on the amount of female attention he got—which wasn't a ton, but definitely more than average, he was clearly around a 7 on the Mormon People Scale. I remember feeling almost guilty for not being that attracted to him. But alas, I was not. And as you all know, I don't believe in forcing it. Our relationship never got off the ground.

So, back to last year. This guy was visiting from a nearby city for the weekend and I ran into him at a party. Not surprisingly, he had girls gathered around him the entire evening. However, this was more than just the new-meat syndrome whereby, at any given gathering, the new meat will get an extra dose of attention. This is to be expected.

But no. This guy was getting the unwavering attention of the most beautiful girls at the party who had turned up their game full-notch. (Ie. They were shamelessly throwing themselves at him.)

Conclusion.

In the past 5 years or so, this "Mormon 7" had clearly jumped to what I will call an "Older Mormon 9."

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but there were a few moments at the party where I felt like maybe I should spend more time getting re-acquainted with him. After all, he had liked me at BYU. Surely he would still find me attractive and interesting. Thankfully those thoughts only lasted a few minutes. Then I remembered, oh yeah, I'm still not attracted to him!

So, thanks to the Older Mormon Scale of Attractiveness, an average-looking, normal Mormon guy can reasonably expect to be a 9 or 10 by the time he hits 30.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

A little superficiality

A few posts ago I blogged about how we want to get the most bang for our buck. I mentioned that, generally, we don't necessarily want the best there is, just the best that we can get. When making a home purchase, for example, if our price range goes up to $250,000, we'll likely try to find the nicest place in that range. If we're feeling really ambitious, we might try to work down a nice home that's priced at $275,000 or even a little higher. We are not, however, going to go out looking at houses that are priced, say, $450,000 or above. We know there's just no way that could work. We may not like it, but we accept it as our reality—at least for the time being.

I wrote that it was similar in dating—we don't want to feel like we just settled for whatever was left. We want someone who makes us feel lucky and also makes us believe the best about ourselves.

Now for the exceptions.

There was a certain guy in a ward I attended that constantly got rejected. He was a bit socially awkward and not very attractive. Wait! I'm not saying social awkwardness and unattractiveness mean that someone should get rejected. The problem was that this guy always pursued the prettiest and most outgoing girls in the ward. The sad thing about this guy's situation was that there were at least a couple of girls who had told me they had interest in him. They were closer equals to him in terms of social skills and looks than the girls he would pursue.

Who knows if he would've ultimately worked out with either of them had he given them a chance. But they would've loved to at least have had a shot. Instead, they remained pining while he continued to get rejected by every single girl he tried to pursue.

I have a friend who makes a similar mistake. Sadly, she has really let her appearance go the past couple of years and yet she continues to obsess over the best looking guys. Like a little girl, she gets giddy if one of them so much as says hello to her and then is depressed an hour later when she sees one of them flirting with a pretty girl. Sometimes after such an occasion she will come to me upset, proclaiming, “No one will ever like me.”

I have the hardest time knowing what to say to her. She has so many good qualities that any guy would be lucky to have her. I'm sure that she will eventually meet the right one. But right now, she's getting caught up in guys that just have no interest in her.

Please feel free to call me out if I'm missing something or am just being downright superficial.

But—here comes the soapbox—

—here's what I can say anonymously on a blog but never in real life to a struggling friend—

—here's part of the reason I have an anonymous blog to begin with—

—if you're going after the person who is constantly surrounded by admirers, you better have a lot of admirers yourself. Don't waste your emotional energy with people who will not be attracted to you. (And who, in some cases, are not even worth the effort anyways.)

Looks aren't everything, but attraction—which is often initially sparked by looks—does count for a lot and has to be equal from both sides.

That's all. Nothing new. Nothing earth-shattering. But I bet a lot of you know some singles who don't seem to get it.

Acronyms. . .

. . .were kinda getting out of control. Dear blog stalkers, please note the new side bar for your convenience. :)

Real post to follow shortly.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Stalking? (my take)

I know it's taken me forever, but I'm finally gonna respond to the stalking discussion initiated by AGB. (Yes, anonymous guy blogger gets his own acronym now!)

First of all, I agree with some of the commenters that the term “stalker” is overused and misused. As S's comment indicated, real stalking can be a dangerous and serious crime. Like other girls I know, I've had an instance or two where I had to get the police involved because I was being followed home. Another girl I know had to actually pack up and move to another part of town. It can be a pretty scary thing—but luckily, it's not usually what we girls mean when we call someone a stalker. Unfortunately, I don't think the English language has a good term for someone who is paying unwanted attention to someone else.

But really, I think that's all it is.

A “stalker” is usually just someone who is showing us an inappropriate amount of interest. Of course the inappropriateness is entirely subjective, which is one of many reasons why dating can be so frustrating for both men and women. The issue may be that the attention is coming from someone we'd rather have nothing to do with. Or the issue may be that the attention has just gotten too strong. Or maybe a combination of the two.

So how does one know how persistent to be? Where does one draw the line?

Um, I don't actually have answers to these questions. Just some observations.

I think girls today fall all over a traditional to modern continuum. Just to give one example—some girls are so traditional that it's a dealbreaker if a guy doesn't come around to open their car door. At the other end of the spectrum are girls that would not only feel awkward if a guy were to do such a thing, but would in fact be offended by it. A lot of girls are somewhere in between. And, just to make it more complex, a lot of girls will fall on different spots along the continuum depending on the issue. I recognize this paradox within myself. For example, I would love to find a guy that would be open to going to the places my career takes me. On the other hand, I find it very sweet when a guy gets the door for me and am more than happy to let him do it. Can we really just pick and choose when we will be traditional and when we will be modern? (But that's an issue for another day.)

My point in bringing up the traditional vs. modern thing is that I imagine it's difficult for an interested guy to figure out which approach to take with a girl he doesn't know very well yet. Let's be honest. Ultimately, if the girl is very interested, the guy will win with just about any approach. By the same token, if the girl has no interest at all, the guy is almost certainly doomed to fail no matter what he does. However—and I think a large number of cases fall into this category—if the girl is only slightly interested or somewhat ambivalent, the guy's approach can make all the difference. (Of course there are always exceptions, but let's be general for now.)

A good friend was recently telling me that she wished guys and girls would communicate their interest upfront. While I agree that an uninterested girl should communicate her lack of interest as soon as possible so as to not lead the guy on, I think there is something to be said for keeping your cards close to your chest when feelings are starting to develop. Sometimes it takes awhile for us to figure out how we feel about someone else. During that indecisive time, if someone puts too much pressure on us, we run away. No girl wants to feel rushed into a relationship before she's sure how she feels. A lot of us have had the unpleasant experience of a guy pushing way too hard and have become perhaps overly cautious about having such an experience be repeated.

I'm not advocating game playing here. Just caution. And realism.

There seems to be something in human nature that pushes us to want the most we can get. For example, we want the most bang for our buck on a car, house, or other purchase. This isn't to say we necessarily want the biggest and best—but, of all the models or types that fit what we're looking for, we want the nicest one. We love to feel like we somehow managed to get—whether by luck, skillful bargaining, or a combination of the two—the nicest item from the very top of our price range if not even a little above it. No one likes to feel that they simply settled for whatever was left. At least not when it really matters.

It's similar in our search for a relationship. We want someone who makes us say, “wow.” We want someone who, like with the purchase example, leaves us feeling lucky, makes us believe the best about ourselves, or (most likely) a combination of the two. These feelings are unlikely to develop quickly, especially if the other person instantly lays it all on the line.

In the past I've talked about love at first sight. It happens. But in these cases, both parties usually know pretty quickly. In all other cases, I think it's best to give it some time. A guy who throws himself at a girl sets himself up for a very unbalanced relationship from the get-go. Same for a girl who throws herself at a guy. In most cases, people need time to develop respect and esteem for someone else.

Clear as mud? Exactly. :)

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Stalking? (guest post #2)

Unfortunately, I'm still having the same blogging issues mentioned in the PS of this post. Fortunately, however, my anonymous guy blogger has sent me another post. Here you have it:

Now that I am 33 I have had a harder time getting out and meeting Single LDS women. It seems I have hit some invisible barrier and cannot get past it. This has opened up new challenges when it comes to dating. How does one go about meeting “The One”? I am not allowed to go to the young single adult ward because I am over age. If there was a single adult ward available then I am lumped in with a broad spectrum of ages. This spectrum is from 80 year olds carrying oxygen bottles to the brand new 31 year old who have graduated (feels more like flunked) out of the Young single adult ward. Activities that I hear about are planned by the YSA. I go to those on rare occasion but then there are always the questions of “Where do you go to church?” Followed by an awkward “oh” What I find humorous is that there is an “age difference” between 33-28 yet there is none between 28-23.

So I have been pushed to other venues in order to date. Online dating is one of the more successful ones. I can meet and talk to women and I can even do that in the comfort of anonymity. I don’t think online dating is really a great choice but it’s a choice when I don’t have a lot. Another Venue that has been surprisingly successful has been Facebook. I have been able to meet some people and get to know them through networking.

So I found this girl that seemed interesting. She was a good friend of one of my best friends in another city south of here. I had heard a lot about her from my buddy and she piqued my interest. I Facebook friended her and attempted to chit chat. I was in another city so being introduced wasn’t really a option. I had my friend talk to her about me. And I asked him if she would be bothered if I asked her out when I came into town. He stated she is cool and couldn’t see a problem with that. This is where I went wrong. First off Men don’t understand a woman’s psyche. Second bad things happen when 2 woefully social inept men try and reason out what a woman is going to do. As you can tell it went horribly wrong. I did go about asking her out and was then labeled “Stalker” for my efforts. And all I really did was ask her out on a date so I could get to know her. I did go and visit my buddy who unfortunately got caught in the middle of this fiasco. Now this girl wouldn’t ride in the same car as me. She didn’t want to hang around me but yet wanted to talk and hang out with my buddy. She kept trying to make my buddy choose between me or her. I felt bad for him and I felt bad someone considered me that way.

This experience hurt me to the core. I am a nice guy, yep the one who the Bachelorette sends on his way. I don’t really want anyone to think bad of me. I am just lonely and want to have someone I can share a life with. I know I don’t say the right things nor am I perfect. And let’s be honest I don’t understand women. But what makes me or other men a “Stalker”? Due to this experience I have reflected on Stalkers. Is my behavior giving someone that impression? Am I weird or make people uncomfortable?

Acceptable behavior. So I have noticed that sometimes depending on how good looking or likeable the person is, makes their actions acceptable when in others it wouldn’t be. Would you be bothered, if a guy (that looked like a movie star) followed you like a little puppy dog? That’s cute right? You wouldn’t mind having one of those guys around you all the time. Now say its someone who is like Jabba the Hutt following you around. Still cute? No? STALKER!!!! Is there a difference other than their appearance? I not certain that is fair, but have we really stopped and thought about it? I am just as guilty. Countless times have I done stuff for girls simply because they were attractive when I wouldn’t for anyone else. I helped cute girls move for free when I made my own brother buy me pizza and soda. How many more times have I done this? I sometime have to reflect to myself would I allow this behavior no matter who it is? Sadly I have seen and fallen short many, many times.

I Told Him I wasn’t Interested. Communication is one of the things that I think makes a stalker. A message of you are making me uncomfortable is not being received instead the person is thinking that you are playing hard to get or some such silliness. I have found a phenomenon that woman think that they are clear in their message to men. They are not, especially within my mind. Because of this any subtle hints (and not so subtle hints) a female may have dropped in my direction I have obliviously missed. I don’t think I am the only one to not get these clues it is almost a males rite of passage. I hear all of my female friends that say “I like it when a guy pursues me.” And so you combine the TWO of not getting hints and trying to woo and pursue and get a mess! There is a fine line between persistence and being a stalker. It’s pretty easy to cross that line. I think I have crossed it a few times but my intentions were good. Regardless I missed the mark. If only that girl been direct I could have saved the heartache on both sides. I think the best way and the only way is to be direct in your feelings. The problem becomes when you don’t want to confront someone and rather avoid them. This gives mixed signals, and exacerbates the problem. Everyone is different and they handle things differently that is where the real challenge is to try and communicate.

Irony. So ironically the girl that accused me of being a stalker showed up again. I had deleted her on Facebook and severed ties to save what dignity I had left. This worked well until She needed to recreate her Facebook profile. So who did she invite as a Facebook friend? That’s right ME! I handled it as best as I could because I really wanted to let her know how I felt about all this. This was my reply.

SOOO..........I do know who you are. In fact I don’t mind if you are my friend. I am concerned as the last information I got from a very reliable source you considered me a stalker.It was never my intention to give you that impression. In this spirit I am rejecting your friend request. If you feel that impression is incorrect or you have decided I am not a stalker. Please feel free to add me again.

Thank you

Maybe this was a little cold but it was direct and honest and that is what I thought was good about it. What is crazy is that she was MAD that I rejected her Facebook request?!?!??!??!??

What are your thoughts on what makes a stalker? Is it really a creepy guy? Or is it some misunderstanding/miscommunication?

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

What are the chances?

Remember OS?

So the other day I just happened to run into his father. In a freakin' foreign country. And not even the same country where I'd known him and his family before. Seriously, how is this even possible? Totally blows my mind. It's one of those situations where you can't help but wonder if it's more than a coincidence.

It was kind of an awkward encounter. I hadn't seen him since I ended things with his son a couple of years ago.

I really, really wanted to ask him how his son was doing. But how could I?

Did I mention I still think about OS sometimes? We were so compatible in very unique, yet important ways.

I guess you could say I do have regrets. And yet, I really did what I thought was best at the time. Can we ever do more than that?

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

A male perspective (guest post #1)

I've had a couple of interesting emails from one of my male readers so I asked him if he would mind doing a guest post giving a little male perspective. Here is what he had to say:


I was asked to write my own personal feeling here in this blog. I feel honored for being allowed to do so, but feel I am just the male half of why I’m still single side of the coin. I think I like to open on my thoughts on what I have learned after 33 years in Singledom. I think the biggest theme I learned is some guys have game, and I do not. I have always hated The Game but have found I must play it even if I don’t want to. Which I think plays a part in why I don’t have game. On the other hand I have had the unique experience to understand what not to do in my quest for getting married.

One of my biggest mistakes is my over eagerness when it comes to dating. I mean I asked this smart charming intelligent beautiful girl on a date and she even said YES!!! What more can there be, its LOVE!! I’m exaggerating a little but I have caught myself on this line of thinking. It’s like I try and do a 400 yard dash in a dark room, and all I end up with is a lot of bruises. The more excited I have gotten the more unlike myself I have become. This change in turn has been very noticeable and undesirable. My biggest successes were when I hadn’t even noticed I was in to them. I remember in high school there was this girl at a church swimming party just sitting on a table all by herself. When I saw her my first thoughts were "I bet she is bored". I sat next to her and next thing you know we went out on several dates. That’s how it should be each and every time not just one offs.

Another one of my repeated mistakes is tying my self-worth to being attractive/dateable/married. This doesn’t work but I repeatedly do it. I think this blog touches on this theme a lot. What I can say is I have had a lot of pressure on being married. A lot of Non Mormons would raise a eyebrow at this but let me explain. I am the youngest of 7 and all of them are married and have 3-5 kids each. My parents are nearing their 50th wedding anniversary. Couple that with if you're 27, LDS and not married, you're a menace to society statements and yea I feel the pressure. I have read many church articles on being single in the church and they all seem to point to the single women of the church. It’s like to be a man it’s my fault I am single. While I do agree to take responsibility for my actions what I don’t understand is that it takes 2 to tango and a man just can’t marry himself. I think I am trying but it isn’t happening the way and when I want it to. In essence all of this pressure has made me think it’s me that is the problem. When it’s really not it’s just the circumstances of it. What happens is a never ending cycle, a worth cycle. I recently read a book that talked about appearance in how it’s an ultimate expression of you and how you are. I think there is validly in that statement. What happens on my worth cycle is that when I put all of my self-worth on being attractive/dateable/married and I am not attractive/dateable/married then I have no self worth. I express that in my appearance, mannerisms and such which then shows others that I am not attractive/dateable/married, Which perpetrates the downward spiral. What I have found is I need to stop being what I am not (at the moment) to what I am (at the moment).

When I was younger if I had read what I wrote here I’d say it was all cliché. The thing is when I was younger I missed some of the most basic lessons, I should of learned.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The “perfect” one always goes

I admit it. I love me some “Bachelorette.”

Despite the fact that show is built on a ridiculous premise. (Meet and get engaged in just a few weeks? It's like Provo on crack.)
Despite the fact that some, if not all, of the show is scripted.
Despite the fact that most of the characters have no personality.
AND despite the fact that watching the show is like watching one painfully awkward DTR* after another for 2 straight hours. Minus commercials, of course.

So why do I love it? Well, part of the reason is that a bit of mindless entertainment is quite refreshing after a long day at work. The other part of the reason is that, despite all the above-mentioned absurdities, there are little nuggets of relationship truth strewn around the show. Yes, it's hyperbole, but truth nonetheless.

Hear me out.

Apparently a lot of “Bachelorette” fans were upset that Jillian sent Jake home this week. He was so sweet and “perfect.” In his final goodbye, he threw himself this sad little pity party wherein he monologued about the old cliche—the nice guy always finishes last. We've all heard the same sob story so many times.

But here's what I think. Jillian didn't send Jake home because he was too nice. She sent him home because he was too “perfect.” He molded himself into what he thought a perfect boyfriend should be. And maybe he really would've been the perfect boyfriend—but we got no sense that he had any sort of personality beyond that. Boring.

I don't have a long history with this show. But I'm starting to see a pattern.

I started with DeAnna a couple seasons back. It came down to 2 guys—the wild card, Jesse, and the perfect and safe one, Jason. All DeAnna could ever say about Jason was how “perfect” he was—he was everything she'd ever wanted in a husband and future father. A lot of people were rooting for her to pick Jason. But she chose Jesse. Jason was just too “perfect.”

Then Jason became the bachelor. In the end it came down to 2 girls—the “wild card,” Molly, and the “perfect one,” Melissa. (I have to use quotation marks for all these descriptors because really, they only represent how Jason described them. In reality, both girls seemed equally boring.) So, Jason plays it safe, chooses the “perfect” one, only to dump her a couple months later for the “wild card.”

Like I said, ridiculous, exaggerated stories. But I think there's a little something to them.

I don't know about you, but I'm a fan of nice people. I've never broken up with or chosen not to date a guy because he was too nice. On the other hand, I have broken up with or chosen not to date certain guys because they were too perfect.”

I keep putting the word “perfect” in quotation marks because I really should define what I mean by it. I'm talking about those people who seem to mold themselves into exactly whatever it is you're looking for. This isn't to say that they don't genuinely have some of those attributes. Rather, they just don't seem to have much of a personality beyond that. It's as if they live only to please you. To me, that's not being nice. That's being lost.

Don't get me wrong. I think sacrifice is an important part of any meaningful relationship—romantic or otherwise. But sometimes you gotta take a stand for yourself. Sometimes you gotta disagree. Sometimes you gotta do something unpredictable. I think an ideal partner would be 100% reliable when it comes to the things that really matter. But when it comes to everything else, I think a lot of us like it mixed up. What hobby will you take up next? What interesting thing did you learn about? What will you want to do this weekend? What crazy life experience did you never tell us about till now?

Otherwise. Boring.

Of course there are exceptions, but I really believe that the nice guy that's finishing last isn't finishing last because he's too nice. Maybe he's too boring. Or maybe the girl doesn't feel any chemistry with him. Or maybe he just hasn't met the right girl.

Dear nice guys, we do like you. As long as you're not “perfect,” the right one will come along. You just haven't met her yet.



*Mo-speak for the awkward “Define the Relationship” discussion that, in my opinion, should only ever need to take place if the couple is contemplating a long distance relationship.