Have any of you been following the Jake/Andrea story over at Mormon Bachelor Pad? If not, you can go read about the break up here. Too lazy for that? Basically, Jake dumped this beautiful and amazing girl because he felt like she was “too good” for him.
In the beginning I thought it was a sweet story because you could tell that Jake really cared about Andrea. But apparently not enough to tell her the truth in the end.
Does anyone really believe that someone would break up with someone else because they felt the other person was “too good” for them? I totally don't buy it. I would believe it if the guy said she was just too Molly and he liked to have more fun. I think that's a valid reason. But not being too good for someone else. (Plus it kind of quashes my theory about wanting the best that we can get. Psh.)
Basically, Jake decided he was done with Andrea for whatever reason and then felt guilty about it because he knows she's such a catch. So, maybe even subconsciously, he came up with this bit about her being too good for him.
Problem is, he's not the first guy to come up with that story. Yes, even yours truly has been dumped for being “too good” for someone else. What really sucked is that I actually believed him at the time. And it kinda started giving me a complex for awhile about being “too good.” I wonder how many of my female readers have experienced something similar.
(And, just to clarify, this wasn't “too good” in the Molly Mormon sense. I have nothing against Mollies, but I have never been one and never will be. Rather, he said he felt I was too smart, too together, too ambitious. All crap because I'm really not that much of any of those things, but whatever.)
Anyways, I started thinking that no guy would ever want me unless I became less of who I was. I've come a long way since then—this was over 5 years ago. I have been able to find plenty of guys that are all about who I am. But I can't deny that the experience still taints me a little. Makes me a little more pessimistic. Makes me a little less trusting. Just makes it that much harder for the next guy.
So guys, help each other out. Don't you see? You have to tell us the truth. You have to tell yourselves the truth. We'd rather hear that you met someone else or that you just realized you weren't ready to commit or that you just got bored or even that you just realized we're not what you want than hear that we're “too good.” That just gives us a complex. Which is a lose-lose all around.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
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13 comments:
well.......hmmmm.....when I was YOUNG (like the mormon boys) I did date some really NICE girls....they were so nice that I knew the relationship would not hold me because truly......being overly sweet isnt a coveted characteristic when you are an emerging from boyhood..... so yeah I let those girls go....Im pretty sure I never said "your too good for me" but I felt like I was in a monastery at 17 and that was NOT what I wanted....
Really? You had to write an entire blog post on Jake's story? I for one completely understand him and where he's coming from. Some of us are just on different spiritual levels. I dated a guy who was way more spiritual than me and I ended it because I knew he deserved someone at that same standard. I acknowledge him for being honest with Andrea. He could have made up some lame ass excuse. Maybe you should get your head out of their world and into your own. Whatever reason he broke up with her was his decision, and he believed it was for the best. Should he have listened to his pathetic blog followers instead?
I just hate trollers with anonymity
I am a firm believer that if a man's excuse for not dating me is that i'm "too good for him" - well than I probably am. Actually, I really am. Men like that clearly need a woman that will make them feel superior.
And personally, I would never want a man like that. I like to be challenged by my partner and would hope he wants to be challenged by me.
I too have had guys tell me that I intimidate them. What? Because I have a career and know what I want? Geez! Grow a pair!
:)
It was a terrible excuse to break up, no doubt. And I understand how it hurts for a while to get the lame excuse break-up,
HOWEVER, and I fully realize this is easier said than done, you CAN'T deal with new people based on how old people treated you. You learn lessons about how to deal with some of these things for yourself, and spot certain signs that a break up is imminent, or cheating, or whatever, but not every person you date is going to make up a lame excuse to break up with you. If you think from the get-go they're going to, they will. And if you automatically have walls up to protect yourself somehow, then you're not really putting your whole self into the relationship and that's not really good for you or the other person. So, allow yourself to trust each individual person you meet independent of every other person, do it slowly, make them earn it - fine! Otherwise, you become that chick (or guy) that is bitter and "can't trust ANY men (women)!" and that's not attractive at all. :-)
I think Natalie is on to something.
I will say what I commented on that blog- he clearly doesn't like her that much or he'd step up and BE good enough for her. If someone breaks up with you, it's because they don't like you enough to be with you. He needs to stop blaming HER by saying she's too good and blame himself for not wanting to be with her enough to step it up.
Hmm...I think you all should leave the guy alone and cut him some slack. He's fresh off his mission, and really has no idea what he wants (other than some action). I find it odd that in the digital age, we feel so inclined to pass judgment on these people that we only know through blog postings. He's 21, she's 19, there is still a lot of time for both of them to grow and figure out what they want before they settle down and get married (maybe even to each other which is what it seems like most of their readership is after).
Why is it so wrong to go for people that we want to go for? Why do anonymous and not-so-anonymous blog stalkers need to have a say in who people date? And why do the bloggers feel like they need to ask the blogosphere to weigh in and guide them in their dating activities.
Reality TV bleeding into our reality lives I guess.
Natalie,
Amen! It seems to me that the more accomplished (do we even use that word anymore?) a woman becomes, the harder it is to find a man who doesn't feel threatened by it. Not impossible, just more challenging.
Ryan,
I know, I know. You're absolutely right. Like you said, it's easier said than done. I hope I don't seem totally bitter because I really think I'm a pretty upbeat person. But yeah, there are times when I feel more guarded than others. I guess it's something we could probably all work on.
Nate,
I can see where you're coming from. I mean, I certainly wouldn't want anyone in my real life to start giving me unsolicited dating advice. It's none their business. HOWEVER, as soon as we start posting our dating lives on the internet for hundreds of random strangers to read, this is the price we pay. If Jake wants to be "left alone," he can stop blogging about his dating life on a blog read by hundreds of people. If I decide I'm sick of everyone else's 2 cents, I will also stop blogging.
I think the beauty of having an "anonymous or not-so-anonymous" forum such as this is that we can see things about ourselves, find out things we don't like, debate different ideas, and learn from each other (even if in the end we disagree).
Excellent analysis of the Jake/Andrea mess
I think Andrea made Jake feel like a bad person. (Remember the whole rated-R thing?) And there's a difference in someone who makes you want to rise to their level of spirituality and someone who makes you feel like a worse person for being who you are.
So yeah.
Hey hey hey... just stumbled across this blog. I think Jake's reason for breaking up with Andrea was totally legit. How would you like to date someone and then not feel like you can be yourself, because yourself isn't good enough for them. You want them to have better and not settle. THAT's my opinion. You should read the post about him and her and the pg-13 movie. If you haven't. Keep blogging.
I read the post. I thought he was rather immature and not ready to settle down. So I think he lied to her too. He posted her letter. How immature is that? Yes I also think she needs to grow up a bit also and quit writing letters like that - they just don't work.
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