Stalking? (my take)

I know it's taken me forever, but I'm finally gonna respond to the stalking discussion initiated by AGB. (Yes, anonymous guy blogger gets his own acronym now!)

First of all, I agree with some of the commenters that the term “stalker” is overused and misused. As S's comment indicated, real stalking can be a dangerous and serious crime. Like other girls I know, I've had an instance or two where I had to get the police involved because I was being followed home. Another girl I know had to actually pack up and move to another part of town. It can be a pretty scary thing—but luckily, it's not usually what we girls mean when we call someone a stalker. Unfortunately, I don't think the English language has a good term for someone who is paying unwanted attention to someone else.

But really, I think that's all it is.

A “stalker” is usually just someone who is showing us an inappropriate amount of interest. Of course the inappropriateness is entirely subjective, which is one of many reasons why dating can be so frustrating for both men and women. The issue may be that the attention is coming from someone we'd rather have nothing to do with. Or the issue may be that the attention has just gotten too strong. Or maybe a combination of the two.

So how does one know how persistent to be? Where does one draw the line?

Um, I don't actually have answers to these questions. Just some observations.

I think girls today fall all over a traditional to modern continuum. Just to give one example—some girls are so traditional that it's a dealbreaker if a guy doesn't come around to open their car door. At the other end of the spectrum are girls that would not only feel awkward if a guy were to do such a thing, but would in fact be offended by it. A lot of girls are somewhere in between. And, just to make it more complex, a lot of girls will fall on different spots along the continuum depending on the issue. I recognize this paradox within myself. For example, I would love to find a guy that would be open to going to the places my career takes me. On the other hand, I find it very sweet when a guy gets the door for me and am more than happy to let him do it. Can we really just pick and choose when we will be traditional and when we will be modern? (But that's an issue for another day.)

My point in bringing up the traditional vs. modern thing is that I imagine it's difficult for an interested guy to figure out which approach to take with a girl he doesn't know very well yet. Let's be honest. Ultimately, if the girl is very interested, the guy will win with just about any approach. By the same token, if the girl has no interest at all, the guy is almost certainly doomed to fail no matter what he does. However—and I think a large number of cases fall into this category—if the girl is only slightly interested or somewhat ambivalent, the guy's approach can make all the difference. (Of course there are always exceptions, but let's be general for now.)

A good friend was recently telling me that she wished guys and girls would communicate their interest upfront. While I agree that an uninterested girl should communicate her lack of interest as soon as possible so as to not lead the guy on, I think there is something to be said for keeping your cards close to your chest when feelings are starting to develop. Sometimes it takes awhile for us to figure out how we feel about someone else. During that indecisive time, if someone puts too much pressure on us, we run away. No girl wants to feel rushed into a relationship before she's sure how she feels. A lot of us have had the unpleasant experience of a guy pushing way too hard and have become perhaps overly cautious about having such an experience be repeated.

I'm not advocating game playing here. Just caution. And realism.

There seems to be something in human nature that pushes us to want the most we can get. For example, we want the most bang for our buck on a car, house, or other purchase. This isn't to say we necessarily want the biggest and best—but, of all the models or types that fit what we're looking for, we want the nicest one. We love to feel like we somehow managed to get—whether by luck, skillful bargaining, or a combination of the two—the nicest item from the very top of our price range if not even a little above it. No one likes to feel that they simply settled for whatever was left. At least not when it really matters.

It's similar in our search for a relationship. We want someone who makes us say, “wow.” We want someone who, like with the purchase example, leaves us feeling lucky, makes us believe the best about ourselves, or (most likely) a combination of the two. These feelings are unlikely to develop quickly, especially if the other person instantly lays it all on the line.

In the past I've talked about love at first sight. It happens. But in these cases, both parties usually know pretty quickly. In all other cases, I think it's best to give it some time. A guy who throws himself at a girl sets himself up for a very unbalanced relationship from the get-go. Same for a girl who throws herself at a guy. In most cases, people need time to develop respect and esteem for someone else.

Clear as mud? Exactly. :)