Thursday, December 3, 2009

Little Girl Poetry, part 2

by SS

So, as you might have surmised from my last post, I was not the prettiest little girl on the block. I was wretchedly skinny. As in, not the skinny where people are jealous of you, but the skinny where people are genuinely grossed out by you. And furthermore, they are not afraid to tell you so to your face. Not only that, but I grew up surrounded by a culture where having “meat on your bones” was the beauty standard—not the anorexic look.

Excuse me while I launch into a mini-rant. We all know that a lot of kids are mean. They tend to make fun of those look different, talk different, act different, etc. As the kids get older, however, provided they don't have any major behavioral or emotional issues, they typically will at least stop making fun of other kids to their faces. What they do behind other kids' backs and/or to their perceived enemies is of course a different story. But you won't typically see a normal, well-adjusted older kid go up to some random kid and insult them for no apparent reason.

As I approached my teen years, I started thinking, if I had to choose, I'd rather be too fat than too skinny. Because, at least at my school, the fat kids were typically only teased behind their backs. (A few random bullies being the exception to this.) I, on the other hand, had no shortage of people telling me to my face, “Ugh, you're so skinny.” I don't know if they just didn't realize this was insulting or what. But every time someone said that to me, all I heard was, “Ugh, you're so ugly.” And I believed it. I was already shy and insecure. Over time it only got worse.

Basically, when everyone else is obsessed with your appearance, it's kinda hard not to become obsessed yourself.

If you read my little 13-year-old girl poem, you can sense how much I longed to be appreciated for what I was on the inside. You can sense that I felt I had something to offer, but didn't know how to convey it unless I was beautiful. You can sense my frustration, beginning with fairy tales (curse Disney!) but later carrying on into other forms of media and indeed often in real life, with guys falling in love with girls simply because they were beautiful.

This is why I shared my little poem even though it was embarrassing. I've matured quite a bit since then, but it's still frustrating to me that so many men seem to be able to completely fall in love with a woman because she's beautiful. I know there are men reading this blog who will prove me wrong. But still, can any of us deny how widespread this phenomenon is?

15 comments:

Nate said...

No.

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with you. I have a wonderful guy friend who would make any girl a great husband. But he's got a problem. When he was young he had a young men's leader council him that not only should he look for a girl that has a testimony and is fun to be with but that she's should look great in a swimming suit. Seriously.

Now he's hung up on finding a girl with the perfect body. Good luck.

Jill said...

My dad had to see my mom in a bathing suit before he would marry her. SCARY

Shelby said...

Im not trying to burst bubbles but this is common for EVERYONE!
I have plenty of Girlfriends that tell me. Oh I want a guy that looks like (insert random moviestar) that treats me like a goddess, Not I want someone who treats me right. We need that physical spark its common.

I do it. SS does it. So does anonymous. Lets not fool ourselves that we want an attractive partner. Being an Online dater I have seen how this is veiled.
* I want someone who takes care of them selves
* must be physically fit

I am not saying its bad to want this, Im just saying we do it. I think how SS put it that we are looking for the best fit for what we can get is very appropriate.


So yes guys want a beautiful woman. I think woman are better about wanting more than men as they look for other things. Some guys just want a pretty wrapper with nothing in it. That is unfortunate. Then again do you want someone like that? I dont want a woman that only liked me for 1 facet of me.

Lorelei said...

I don't see anything wrong with expecting your spouse to have some respect for his/her body. I work hard for my body and I'd sure hope my guy notices it and that he'd do the same in working out and staying in shape.

xoxo Lorelei

Ryan Thomas Barnhart said...

I think this is an interesting phenomenon not because it is real or an illusion but because of how it becomes more of a hang up for certain groups and nothing of an issue for others. Let's suppose for the moment that everyone who reads and discusses social issues on a blog is literate, enjoys holding and analyzing abstract ideas in their heads and places a high value on the inner world of the individual. Sound good?

On the other hand, lots of people who don't read this blog and don't have the optioned themselves out of commenting do not necessarily share the same valuation of the inner life. Okay.

So, from my experiences, walking along the street, visiting different places, towns, and neighborhoods, I see lots of unattractive people hooked up. I see lots of attractive people with slightly unattractive people. I see a few really attractive people with unattractive people. In short, in the world around us every day, we see unattractive people who are involved in relationships, guys and girls.

They are involved in these relationships. They value the relationships. They feel confident and at peace with the relationship. If two hot people who perhaps don't value the inner life of the individual and therefore don't read this blog are together, they don't feel self-conscious about their decision to date someone just because the person is hot. At the same time, if someone of a similar mindset but of a much lower rating on the attractiveness scale is in a relationship, he or she values the relationship for what it is and says, "Dang it all, I like having sex with her" (or, you get the picture). Those who are concerned with the inner life of the individual, the mental side of things easily get hung up on worries about looks. We might feel self-conscious for liking someone who looks attractive, "people will think I'm just attracted because the girl is hot." Or we might get hung up because we think people might judge us based on our partners low level of attractiveness. Either way it is too much thinking, too self-reflective. Our partner is there for us to serve. Not to gawk at. We love them because of what we do for them. Not because of how they get us started.

kb said...

Obsession with image is so pervasive, I don't know who can avoid becoming a victim (although I hate that word and what it's become as well) of the belief that "you must fit a certain definition of attractive". There are those who are beautiful (according to "the standards") who feel their beauty gives them license to be cruel. There are those who are average-looking who feel inadequate because they don't measure up. And there are those whose looks might cause their talents to go unnoticed and unappreciated (Susan Boyles, anyone?). In the end, it's a self-esteem issue that must be solved by the individual. No person can make another believe in their worth if the internal belief is that looks dictate the outcome of your life.

But I'm still working on how to overcome the societal obsession and learning to become self-reliant in that area.

anonymous said...

It's true - and for guys, outward appearance is essential (usually) since we tend to be very visual. As for "falling in love" with physical beauty alone, there's no way that's real love - it's only attraction, and that won't last if the other things don't evolve - other things being connections on a deeper level (cue the eHarmony commercial as I roll my eyes) of emotion, spirituality, friendship, and/or whatever else is important to you.

For me, confidence and personality are far more important than looks, but I still want to be physically attracted to my GF or wife, right? Luckily, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. My ex-GF was VERY attractive to me, but definitely not "classically" beautiful or model-hot. But she was unique and very beautiful in her own way and her other attributes really drew me in to falling in love with her.

I've dated dozens of really pretty girls (and by date, I mean we've gone out at least once) and not gone out with them multiple times because there is no connection beyond looks. YES, I want an attractive woman - but looks fade and if we're going to be together long term, there has to be so much more.

And SS, if it means anything to you, how often do you see people who are together only for looks who are truly happy together for the long term?

:-)

Jules AF said...

I think you can almost be attracted to anyone. I have a "type," but when I let my guard down, I can like almost anyone.
People have to give others a chance. You can think someone is "cute," and his/her cuteness can turn into more if you give it time.
But that's just me.

Lorelei said...

"Those who are concerned with the inner life of the individual, the mental side of things easily get hung up on worries about looks."

I like that statement and I agree.

xoxo Lorelei

Anonymous said...

I agree with everyone with the fact that a good relationship needs to have that physical attraction.

What I believe has been glossed over here, though, is exactly how that physical attraction can be created. In one sense (for me) the "Online Dating" community can create a very strong physical attraction without any pictures, measurements or cup sizes. It is for me the attraction to that person's mind and attitude that matters the most.

In the previous post, "Little Girl Poetry" it was shared with all of us something that I see as intimate to a certain extent. We were given a glimpse into the heart and mind of a tender young girl who was uninhibited about her dreams. Not to be terribly creepy but this, to me, is very attractive. Now I have a picture in my mind that has begun to develop, not of a physical body, but one of tenderness, openness, sincerity and imagination.

I am much more attracted to a heavier blond girl I once met than to a model (real people), not because of how they looked, but because of how they presented themselves.

After standing near the model for no more than two minutes her coarse language made me blush, and the very loud conversation she was having on her cell phone, left little doubt that she was lucky to not be in jail after the way she had apparently spent her weekend.

The heavier blond was confident, kind and gregarious and more than a few times I went out of my way to "run into" her. The only thing that prevented me from asking her out was her deftly inserted mention of a steady boyfriend in a conversation we had (I think she could see I was interested).

One thing I think we all agree on is that our perception of someones beauty is entirely our choice and not the choice of the other person's body.

Ever see the movie "Shallow Hal" ?

whyimstillsingle said...

Herman and Lorelei,

Re: "Those who are concerned with the inner life of the individual, the mental side of things easily get hung up on worries about looks."

I agree that this can be the case. But don't you think that these self-reflective types (which includes myself, obviously) also get hung up on finding out what is best for themselves? In other words, maybe it's not so much worrying about what others think, but worrying that you have figured yourself out well enough so as to be confident about what will ultimately make you happy.

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Where are you? I miss you. Seriously.

-c

Katie said...

Nice post. I really like your blog! :)

Little Lovables said...

I understand. I was rail thin and was acussed of having eating disorders all the time. I was even taken to an endocrinologist at the age of 12. What a nightmare, all along my older sis had this curvy, athletic figure and winning swimsuit competitions in beauty pagaents.