The End.

by SS

I've been meaning to end this blog for awhile now, but not only am I lazy, I haven't really had anything interesting to say about being single since...um...April at least. Judging by my blog.

I think I've gotten out my rants and expressed my main fears and concerns. That's it. Life goes on. Sometimes I wish I weren't single and other times I fully embrace it. In the end all I can do is work to change those things that are in my control. Like pursuing a career I really want or moving to a city or country where I really want to live. I can't make my dream guy appear and even if I could, I certainly couldn't make him fall in love with me, not already be taken, or cause the timing to be right.

I've learned that maintaining a positive attitude, keeping up your appearance, and developing your character can only take you so far. There's a lot of luck involved, too. For 2 people to come together that share similar values and interests, are physically attracted to each other, and are both ready and willing to enter into the same level of commitment is nothing short of a miracle. Especially as the pool of potentials seems to get smaller. Or does it?

The pool of potentials.

The only idea I have left to contribute to this blog before I close it down. Eh, who am I kidding? It's not even that original. I've already written about dating younger guys. My general take was that although I understand the appeal, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Well, a little bit younger, sure. But not 5 years or more.

I wrote that entry almost a year and a half ago. And after many months of reflection, I've realized that my hang up with younger guys actually had nothing to do with their age. It had to do with me not being okay with my own age. Intellectually, I'm fine with my age. I'm generally pretty happy with who I am and where I'm going in life. My mind tells me that age is just a number, especially as you get older, blah blah blah.

But emotionally it makes me insecure to see most people my age with their own families while I'm still running around as free as I was in college. I know it's not right, but I feel like I should be somewhere else in life. Even though my mind tells me I'm okay.

So if I'm not okay with my age, how can I expect someone else to be?

And then I met someone in August. We had that initial boom of chemistry and attraction that I hadn't experienced in many, many years. Indeed, I had long started to think that that sort of thing was an embellished memory of mine and/or something reserved only for movies. I figured right away that he was probably a little bit younger. He figured that I was a little bit older.

We found out a couple weeks into things that I've got 8.5 years on him.

I kinda freaked out. I started distancing myself little by little. I began the process of detaching myself emotionally so as to lessen the pain of the blow it would be to cut him out of my life. It was heartbreaking.

Then one day I found myself home alone in tears. Sometimes it takes that dramatically low point for me to wake up and realize I'm being ridiculous. In my depths of despair, I finally recognized my mistake. I was about to break up with an amazing guy for no good reason. He was okay with the age difference. Why couldn't I be okay with it?

It's hard to change mindsets you've held your whole life. Especially coming from a traditional Mormon background. My life is so different from my mother's, my aunts', my YW leaders'. Basically every female authority figure I ever had growing up in small towns. All of these women were married by age 21 at the absolute latest. Most of them were able to stay home with their children. The most they ever worked was maybe part time at a store while the kids were in school.

Why didn't it turn out that way for me? I can honestly say that I've enjoyed living my life, but I think I've wondered for many years now why things didn't turn out for me like they did for the other women I knew my first 18 years of life. And even worse, I've assumed that my divergence from this path has been due to some sort of flaw within myself. Back home, it was a scandal to be 21 and single. To now be 30 and single?!? Surely something was wrong.

Of course my mindset has shifted significantly since leaving home at 18. I've now had 12+ years of getting degrees, pursuing a career, living and traveling overseas. I've met many wonderful women who are successfully pursuing their dreams without a life partner. This has certainly helped me come to terms with my reality. But I still maintain that it's hard to undo what was ingrained in you for the most formative 18 years of your existence. I thought that the older I got, the smaller my pool was, and the less likely I was to find someone.

But I think I'm finally really starting to embrace the idea that my pool is as big as it ever has been. And maybe even bigger. I can go younger or older. Without feeling a need to rush to find a provider to take care of me, I'm left to seek out the qualities I really want. It's okay for me to take my time to find that person I can really connect with, who makes me laugh, who loves me unconditionally, with whom I have off-the-charts physical chemistry.

I know better than to think “this is it” after just a couple of blissful months with my younger guy. I could see myself with him in the long term—he has all of the qualities I mentioned above and more. But I could also eventually end up with an older guy. Or someone in between.

The point is: my options have not become limited by my age. I may be taking much longer to find my husband than the women I knew growing up, but it's not because there's something wrong with me. Times have changed and it's exciting to be a part of it. I have the freedom to explore my interests and become okay with who I am independent of any other person. At the same time, I have fantastic options for who I ultimately want to spend the rest of my life with. These options are not always apparent, there's certainly a lot of luck involved, but there is no such thing as a deadline.

Let me just say a quick thanks to all of you for reading and sharing your comments and feedback. Thanks also to Shelby and A for all their insights. I haven't heard from either in awhile, but I hope they're both doing well. I'm sorry to take away their posting privileges, but it's time for this blog to end.

Best of luck to all of you. Couldn't we all use some? ;)