The “perfect” one always goes

I admit it. I love me some “Bachelorette.”

Despite the fact that show is built on a ridiculous premise. (Meet and get engaged in just a few weeks? It's like Provo on crack.)
Despite the fact that some, if not all, of the show is scripted.
Despite the fact that most of the characters have no personality.
AND despite the fact that watching the show is like watching one painfully awkward DTR* after another for 2 straight hours. Minus commercials, of course.

So why do I love it? Well, part of the reason is that a bit of mindless entertainment is quite refreshing after a long day at work. The other part of the reason is that, despite all the above-mentioned absurdities, there are little nuggets of relationship truth strewn around the show. Yes, it's hyperbole, but truth nonetheless.

Hear me out.

Apparently a lot of “Bachelorette” fans were upset that Jillian sent Jake home this week. He was so sweet and “perfect.” In his final goodbye, he threw himself this sad little pity party wherein he monologued about the old cliche—the nice guy always finishes last. We've all heard the same sob story so many times.

But here's what I think. Jillian didn't send Jake home because he was too nice. She sent him home because he was too “perfect.” He molded himself into what he thought a perfect boyfriend should be. And maybe he really would've been the perfect boyfriend—but we got no sense that he had any sort of personality beyond that. Boring.

I don't have a long history with this show. But I'm starting to see a pattern.

I started with DeAnna a couple seasons back. It came down to 2 guys—the wild card, Jesse, and the perfect and safe one, Jason. All DeAnna could ever say about Jason was how “perfect” he was—he was everything she'd ever wanted in a husband and future father. A lot of people were rooting for her to pick Jason. But she chose Jesse. Jason was just too “perfect.”

Then Jason became the bachelor. In the end it came down to 2 girls—the “wild card,” Molly, and the “perfect one,” Melissa. (I have to use quotation marks for all these descriptors because really, they only represent how Jason described them. In reality, both girls seemed equally boring.) So, Jason plays it safe, chooses the “perfect” one, only to dump her a couple months later for the “wild card.”

Like I said, ridiculous, exaggerated stories. But I think there's a little something to them.

I don't know about you, but I'm a fan of nice people. I've never broken up with or chosen not to date a guy because he was too nice. On the other hand, I have broken up with or chosen not to date certain guys because they were too “perfect.”

I keep putting the word “perfect” in quotation marks because I really should define what I mean by it. I'm talking about those people who seem to mold themselves into exactly whatever it is you're looking for. This isn't to say that they don't genuinely have some of those attributes. Rather, they just don't seem to have much of a personality beyond that. It's as if they live only to please you. To me, that's not being nice. That's being lost.

Don't get me wrong. I think sacrifice is an important part of any meaningful relationship—romantic or otherwise. But sometimes you gotta take a stand for yourself. Sometimes you gotta disagree. Sometimes you gotta do something unpredictable. I think an ideal partner would be 100% reliable when it comes to the things that really matter. But when it comes to everything else, I think a lot of us like it mixed up. What hobby will you take up next? What interesting thing did you learn about? What will you want to do this weekend? What crazy life experience did you never tell us about till now?

Otherwise. Boring.

Of course there are exceptions, but I really believe that the nice guy that's finishing last isn't finishing last because he's too nice. Maybe he's too boring. Or maybe the girl doesn't feel any chemistry with him. Or maybe he just hasn't met the right girl.

Dear nice guys, we do like you. As long as you're not “perfect,” the right one will come along. You just haven't met her yet.



*Mo-speak for the awkward “Define the Relationship” discussion that, in my opinion, should only ever need to take place if the couple is contemplating a long distance relationship.

Marital status = self worth?

I recently got an email from one of my regular non-Mormon readers. (Who always asks the best questions, I might add! :)) She was curious about the phenomenon of women tying their self worth to their marital status. She wanted to know—is it society, Mormonism, or something else?

Well, I hope you don't mind, M, but I'm gonna share my response to you with everyone.

I see 3 phenomena going on here. Dear readers, please feel free to add more.

1. I know several women who truly and genuinely desire to only be a mother. I don't use the word “only” in a negative sense here—I believe motherhood is a hugely important task that is unfortunately often undervalued by society. All I mean is that being a mother is the thing they would rather do more than anything else in the world. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. If anything, I sometimes envy the usually selfless and nurturing nature of these women that is the source of this desire.

Don't get me wrong. I would like to be a mother, too. But also, it really really scares me. As I mentioned before, I'm really not domestic. Also, while I do try to be a nice person, I think I was absent the day they handed out the patient, nurturing gene. Plus, I just really enjoy what I do for work. I'm concerned about my ability to adjust to cutting back on my job to raise a child.

So yeah. I can't even imagine how frustrating it must be for those whose only desire is to be a mom. Imagine—the one thing that you'd really like to be doing with your life is just out of your reach. And, no matter how much you want it, it ultimately depends on circumstances and factors that are beyond your control. This certainly would take a hit on one's feeling of self worth. Heart-wrenching.

2. There's a lot of pressure to get married, especially in Mormon circles. Some of it's outright and direct—church leaders, family members, and/or friends telling you how important getting married is to God's plan. Some of it's subtle and unspoken—watching large numbers of couples around you getting engaged. Cycling through friend after friend as each takes their turn to be married off. All that pressure and it's still not working out for you. You start wondering what's wrong with you.

3. Finally, and this last one is true of certain people from all religions and cultures—some people just do not seem to function unless they're in a relationship. We all know people like this. They jump from one relationship to another. Sometimes they're in such a hurry to be in their next relationship that they end up finding themselves in a bad relationship.

While some are extreme in this desire to be paired off, I do think it touches all of us to at least some degree. I believe the vast majority of people don't ultimately want to end up alone in life. Sometimes I think if someone could just promise me that I'd be married by the time I was 40, I'd enjoy single life that much more. As I've said before, I genuinely do enjoy my life. I'd like to think that I make the most of being single, taking advantage of all the freedom and opportunities that it offers. But, not gonna lie. It would be a bit more enjoyable if there wasn't this nagging thought in the back of my mind saying something like, “Hey! If you wait too long, you're gonna miss the boat altogether and you will ultimately end up alone.” Rational thought or not, it's there. And I definitely don't want to be alone forever.

In sum, I think the issue is complex. This phenomenon of tying your self worth to your marital status may be caused by religious/cultural pressure or fear for some. For others, however, it may stem from a personal desire that's left unfulfilled.

Girls, I'm begging you.

I didn't start this blog to get all preachy on you. I just wanted to share some ideas, maybe a few stories, point out a few absurdities. But sometimes there needs to be some preaching.

I'm not the kind of friend who will quietly pretend to not notice the food stuck in your teeth all night. I'll try to be discreet about it—but you can be assured that I will tell you.

What I'm about to say probably does not even apply to you at all. But if you are in regular contact with single Mormon girls, I can almost bet that you know what I'm talking about.

What I'm about to say is not even close to being new. You've heard it a billion times. But clearly, it has not set in for some. So let it be said again.

GET A LIFE!!!!

Too many times girls give guys too much control over their lives.

Or, as is probably more common, girls let their marital status have too much control over their lives.

I see too many single Mormon girls whose self worth is entirely tied to their relationship status. They float around the country from one random job to another, just hoping that the new location will be the place where they finally find “the one.”

Sometimes I just wanna shake them and say: Hey! Pretend for a minute that you're NEVER gonna get married. Now what do you really wanna do with your life? Figure it out and go do it!

That's all. I will now step down from my soap box. :)


PS It turns out that blogging while traveling abroad is more difficult than I'd anticipated. Finding a decent internet connection, time, energy, etc. Quite the challenge. I'm not gonna bore you with my apologies or promises to do better. The truth is—I probably won't get to blog this summer nearly as much as I would like. But I can promise that I do plan to keep the blog going long term. So, add me to your reader, check back periodically, shoot me an email, whatever. But do stay with me, my lovely single sisters! While I may be hopping all over the globe, my blog is staying right here.