Now that I am 33 I have had a harder time getting out and meeting Single LDS women. It seems I have hit some invisible barrier and cannot get past it. This has opened up new challenges when it comes to dating. How does one go about meeting “The One”? I am not allowed to go to the young single adult ward because I am over age. If there was a single adult ward available then I am lumped in with a broad spectrum of ages. This spectrum is from 80 year olds carrying oxygen bottles to the brand new 31 year old who have graduated (feels more like flunked) out of the Young single adult ward. Activities that I hear about are planned by the YSA. I go to those on rare occasion but then there are always the questions of “Where do you go to church?” Followed by an awkward “oh” What I find humorous is that there is an “age difference” between 33-28 yet there is none between 28-23.
So I have been pushed to other venues in order to date. Online dating is one of the more successful ones. I can meet and talk to women and I can even do that in the comfort of anonymity. I don’t think online dating is really a great choice but it’s a choice when I don’t have a lot. Another Venue that has been surprisingly successful has been Facebook. I have been able to meet some people and get to know them through networking.
So I found this girl that seemed interesting. She was a good friend of one of my best friends in another city south of here. I had heard a lot about her from my buddy and she piqued my interest. I Facebook friended her and attempted to chit chat. I was in another city so being introduced wasn’t really a option. I had my friend talk to her about me. And I asked him if she would be bothered if I asked her out when I came into town. He stated she is cool and couldn’t see a problem with that. This is where I went wrong. First off Men don’t understand a woman’s psyche. Second bad things happen when 2 woefully social inept men try and reason out what a woman is going to do. As you can tell it went horribly wrong. I did go about asking her out and was then labeled “Stalker” for my efforts. And all I really did was ask her out on a date so I could get to know her. I did go and visit my buddy who unfortunately got caught in the middle of this fiasco. Now this girl wouldn’t ride in the same car as me. She didn’t want to hang around me but yet wanted to talk and hang out with my buddy. She kept trying to make my buddy choose between me or her. I felt bad for him and I felt bad someone considered me that way.
This experience hurt me to the core. I am a nice guy, yep the one who the Bachelorette sends on his way. I don’t really want anyone to think bad of me. I am just lonely and want to have someone I can share a life with. I know I don’t say the right things nor am I perfect. And let’s be honest I don’t understand women. But what makes me or other men a “Stalker”? Due to this experience I have reflected on Stalkers. Is my behavior giving someone that impression? Am I weird or make people uncomfortable?
Acceptable behavior. So I have noticed that sometimes depending on how good looking or likeable the person is, makes their actions acceptable when in others it wouldn’t be. Would you be bothered, if a guy (that looked like a movie star) followed you like a little puppy dog? That’s cute right? You wouldn’t mind having one of those guys around you all the time. Now say its someone who is like Jabba the Hutt following you around. Still cute? No? STALKER!!!! Is there a difference other than their appearance? I not certain that is fair, but have we really stopped and thought about it? I am just as guilty. Countless times have I done stuff for girls simply because they were attractive when I wouldn’t for anyone else. I helped cute girls move for free when I made my own brother buy me pizza and soda. How many more times have I done this? I sometime have to reflect to myself would I allow this behavior no matter who it is? Sadly I have seen and fallen short many, many times.
I Told Him I wasn’t Interested. Communication is one of the things that I think makes a stalker. A message of you are making me uncomfortable is not being received instead the person is thinking that you are playing hard to get or some such silliness. I have found a phenomenon that woman think that they are clear in their message to men. They are not, especially within my mind. Because of this any subtle hints (and not so subtle hints) a female may have dropped in my direction I have obliviously missed. I don’t think I am the only one to not get these clues it is almost a males rite of passage. I hear all of my female friends that say “I like it when a guy pursues me.” And so you combine the TWO of not getting hints and trying to woo and pursue and get a mess! There is a fine line between persistence and being a stalker. It’s pretty easy to cross that line. I think I have crossed it a few times but my intentions were good. Regardless I missed the mark. If only that girl been direct I could have saved the heartache on both sides. I think the best way and the only way is to be direct in your feelings. The problem becomes when you don’t want to confront someone and rather avoid them. This gives mixed signals, and exacerbates the problem. Everyone is different and they handle things differently that is where the real challenge is to try and communicate.
Irony. So ironically the girl that accused me of being a stalker showed up again. I had deleted her on Facebook and severed ties to save what dignity I had left. This worked well until She needed to recreate her Facebook profile. So who did she invite as a Facebook friend? That’s right ME! I handled it as best as I could because I really wanted to let her know how I felt about all this. This was my reply.
SOOO..........I do know who you are. In fact I don’t mind if you are my friend. I am concerned as the last information I got from a very reliable source you considered me a stalker.It was never my intention to give you that impression. In this spirit I am rejecting your friend request. If you feel that impression is incorrect or you have decided I am not a stalker. Please feel free to add me again.
Thank you
Maybe this was a little cold but it was direct and honest and that is what I thought was good about it. What is crazy is that she was MAD that I rejected her Facebook request?!?!??!??!??
What are your thoughts on what makes a stalker? Is it really a creepy guy? Or is it some misunderstanding/miscommunication?
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7 comments:
People use the term stalker quite informally. I think your message was fine, she's weird and not worth your time. Facebook, or any other online "drama" is a waste. It sucks you in! She probably feels bad for rejecting you and can't see that she hurt your feelings because in her mind, you're the "stalker".
I have to admit I laughed through this post. Girls are so funny. It seems she might have been interested in ur friend.
I agree with Claire Marie that people do use the term stalker very informally, ie slang. Its true that comunication is the most important aspect of ANY relationship, even the casual ones so its funny that someone would be mad at you for trying to communicate. Good luck!
I agree with this post, even though I am female. Facebook seems to cause more social drama as far as relationships than it's worth. I think your message to her was fine...
In my opinion, being labeled as a "stalker" does have a lot to do with miscommunication. What message girls believe they are giving and what guys perceive get mixed up and guys end up getting labeled as a stalker- but sometimes girls end up being called that too, it's a two way street. Hope things get better for you.
If I can ask, are you living out west?
Thanks for all of the posts so far. I am curious to the woman's perspective. What makes a person a stalker? Im sure you all have had at least one. ;)
I live in Texas anonymous! :D
So kind of a follow up. I was dating this girl.We were at a church dance and I saved her from a "stalker". I mentioned some of the things on this post as they were on my mind. The following day she invites me for dinner at her house. She told me she was thinking about communication from our conversation last night. Then drops the "I just want to be friends" talk :(
At least she was honest so I couldn't blame her for that. Doesnt mean it didnt stink. Good thing is I can move on and we are still friends.
Anyways lets get some comments on this. There is no right and wrong. Well I am right because I am Mr Right ;) /jk
Hmm, maybe I can shed some girl perspective on this... as the others have mentioned, "stalker" is a common term thrown around these days, for anyone who seems persistent, when you don't want them to be. Which is too bad, because stalking is a serious and very scary crime that we shouldn't take too lightly. Ahem, moving on to less seriousness...
In your case, I think the girl dug your friend and wanted to be extra clear to him that she wasn't into anyone else, hoping he would get the hint. Sorry it ended up being such a lame situation. And you weren't out of line to call her out on it on FB, but she wasn't being all that weird to friend you-- you simply cared more than she did and analyzed the situation when she really didn't.
Persistence is a strange quality. It is very flattering to be pursued, but there is a fine line before the pursuit gets kind of overwhelming, and at times, even frightening. Example-- I went out with a guy a while ago, and we had a good time, great conversation. No real sparks, but I was willing to give him a shot since he was a good, interesting guy. We went out again, and while the conversation was good, he was just too persistent and pushed too hard to convince me to like him by expressing how interested he was in me, which made me feel kind of uncomfortable. He was so persistent, in fact, that he told me that he wouldn't take no as an answer to a goodnight kiss. I felt manipulated, thinking that I just hadn't sent the "right" message that I wasn't interested in kissing him, that I would be shallow for rejecting a "good" guy. I felt hurt and he lost my trust, and I did end up telling him that and that I wasn't interested in seeing him again.
It's an extreme example, but the lesson here for a good, nice guy is this-- let her get to know you. Beware of how you act on persistence, and don't let it border on desperation, especially when you feel the pull away (and you do know when that happens, admit it). You can't convince anyone to love you and stay with you, regardless of whether it is at the initial contact via FB or after years together. It hurts, but you don't need everyone to want you, just that one special person.
I agree with what others have said, in that stalker is used lightly these days. In fact, I can admit I've used it too a time or two. But in your case, I will try and give my opinion.
If this was me as the girl, I would find it a little odd that this random guy was talking to me on facebook all of a sudden. Regardless of whether or not we had a mutual friend, its still a little bizarre that someone you've never met is trying to have a conversation with you. The fact that you talked to her on facebook already implies, whether or not its true, that you had been checking her out in some way and looking to see if she was online or whatever, which in a girl's head can be interpreted as 'stalking.'
I know its dumb, but in our heads it makes perfect sense.
Thanks for the feed back! "That Chick"
I agree with you, that may be odd. But what makes it friendly outgoing banter to all of a sudden Im a stalker? I honestly dont know which is the reason for the post.
As a guy if a girl all of a sudden starts talking to me I am thrilled. Hense why I like all the comments I can get. I am missing something and "thats why I am still single"
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