I don't think I did this right

It's now been over a week since the talk with my friend. By the way, I forgot to mention we also work together. Seeing him everyday has felt a little different, a little awkward. At least for me. In fact, I've kinda put off blogging about it because I just keep hoping things will go back to normal. But unfortunately, I can't really say that they have.

I realize it took a lot of courage for him to come out and admit to liking me after 2 years of friendship. I think it's very sweet. That's why, when he first told me about his feelings last Saturday, I told him that I had initially felt that attraction as well. I wanted to smooth the blow when I told him that, despite my initial attraction, I now only see him as a friend.

The truth is, I was attracted to him when I first met him 2 years ago. But it passed very quickly. Not because of anything he said or did, I just didn't feel it anymore. And I haven't felt it since.

But I probably shouldn't have taken that approach because it seems he took my rejection as an open door. Yesterday at work, for example, we were both complaining about how sleepy we were. He suggested we take the rest of the day off and go cuddle at his place in front of the tv.

I'm sorry, but cuddling is not happening. I'm not opposed to cuddling with my guy friends—I've done it before. But I can't do it when I know they like me. It doesn't seem right. I'd had to tell him no on Saturday. Why would I tell him yes now? Apparently I wasn't clear enough on Saturday: He and I are not happening.

I've been strung along before. I don't want to do that to someone else.

I appreciate all of your comments. I agree that finding someone who's your best friend is important. Eventually looks go anyways so it's important to find someone you can really talk to and have fun with. I get that.

But also, attraction is still important. The physical aspect of relationships is important. If it grosses me out to think about kissing him, it's not going to happen very often. And that's not fair to either of us.

And would any of us actually settle for a relationship where our partner did not find us attractive? I love my friend—which is exactly why I would hate for him to be in that situation. He deserves someone who is attracted to him. He deserves someone who loves every aspect of who he is.

Just Friends

It's ridiculously late right now which means I probably should just go to bed instead of blogging.

But. I ended a wonderful day with a good guy friend of mine sitting in the car having one of those awkward car talks. You know you've all had an awkward car talk. The kind that lasts till the wee hours of the morning.


Dear friend. Why, why, why do you have to try to change things? We have been good friends for 2 years and NOW you want to date me. Oh wait, you've always liked me? WHAT?


A lot of people say that guys cannot be just friends with an attractive girl without having an ulterior motive. Every now and then I think I have a friendship that proves that idea wrong.

And then I realize: Nope, I'm wrong. I give up!

This is so heartwrenching. I don't want to lose my friend.

Because I haven't met the right person at the right time.

I don't plan on ending this blog any time soon. But this would probably wrap it all up.

I've been in a few relationships where the guy and I were crazy about each other and the possibility of marriage was openly discussed. For various reasons, however, they didn't ultimately work out. (I decided to go on a mission, for example, and got dear jane'd about a year out. Another love-of-my-life decided he wanted a certain lifestyle that in the end could never jive with mine—talk about long, drawn-out break up.)

So yeah. I know what it means to be in love. I know what it means to be head-over-heels. Sometimes I forget and need to remind myself. But I do know. And I have yet to meet someone I feel that way about where the circumstances are also right. Basically, I haven't met the right person at the right time.

A lot of us (especially in the mo community) have been taught some variation of: focus on being the right person and you will find the right person. Or, become the kind of person you want to marry, etc., etc.

While I do think there is some usefulness to that advice, I think it's very limited. It might well serve the selfish person who hopes to find a loving spouse. It might be of use to the loser who plays video games or gossips all day who hopes to find a spouse with depth.

But for a lot of us, while we're certainly far from perfect, this advice is not only useless but perhaps even detrimental.

We are the ones who have been in meaningful long-term relationships (romantic or otherwise) and know what it means to care, to love, to sacrifice. No, we're not perfect at it, but we know how to and are willing to put forth the effort to make a relationship work. We are the ones who have lives and interests of our own and are ready to share them with someone else. We're healthy enough to not be needy, but still realize that there are times when it's good to need. We are the ones who realize that looks aren't everything, but definitely work to maximize what we've been given. We are the ones who are already right for someone. While there may always be room for the improvement of certain traits, we do not need to change who we are in essentials. We have a lot to give. And when we meet the right person, we'll be ready to give it.

Younger Guys, redux

Remember when I refused to date that much-younger guy?

And then remember how some of you got after me for not being more open-minded?

Well, an opportunity presented itself for a brief-ish, um, encounter with a guy 7 years my junior.

And I took it. Mostly because of his impossibly beautiful and mesmerizing eyes.

Also, I don't think he had any idea I was that much older. This is kind of troubling. But what can you do?

The Mormon Scale of Attractiveness, addendum

A reader emailed me with a link to the famous Mormon Scale of Attractiveness. Many of you will have seen this post before, but it's worth a re-read. So go read it and come back!


I can't really touch such a perfect post. But I will add this—the longer a Mormon guy stays single, the further up he moves on the scale.

Illustration.

Sometime last year I ran into a guy that I knew from my ward at BYU. I hadn't known him very well at BYU, but we did go out a couple times. On the Regular People Attractiveness Scale, he was probably about a 5. Therefore, based on the amount of female attention he got—which wasn't a ton, but definitely more than average, he was clearly around a 7 on the Mormon People Scale. I remember feeling almost guilty for not being that attracted to him. But alas, I was not. And as you all know, I don't believe in forcing it. Our relationship never got off the ground.

So, back to last year. This guy was visiting from a nearby city for the weekend and I ran into him at a party. Not surprisingly, he had girls gathered around him the entire evening. However, this was more than just the new-meat syndrome whereby, at any given gathering, the new meat will get an extra dose of attention. This is to be expected.

But no. This guy was getting the unwavering attention of the most beautiful girls at the party who had turned up their game full-notch. (Ie. They were shamelessly throwing themselves at him.)

Conclusion.

In the past 5 years or so, this "Mormon 7" had clearly jumped to what I will call an "Older Mormon 9."

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but there were a few moments at the party where I felt like maybe I should spend more time getting re-acquainted with him. After all, he had liked me at BYU. Surely he would still find me attractive and interesting. Thankfully those thoughts only lasted a few minutes. Then I remembered, oh yeah, I'm still not attracted to him!

So, thanks to the Older Mormon Scale of Attractiveness, an average-looking, normal Mormon guy can reasonably expect to be a 9 or 10 by the time he hits 30.

A little superficiality

A few posts ago I blogged about how we want to get the most bang for our buck. I mentioned that, generally, we don't necessarily want the best there is, just the best that we can get. When making a home purchase, for example, if our price range goes up to $250,000, we'll likely try to find the nicest place in that range. If we're feeling really ambitious, we might try to work down a nice home that's priced at $275,000 or even a little higher. We are not, however, going to go out looking at houses that are priced, say, $450,000 or above. We know there's just no way that could work. We may not like it, but we accept it as our reality—at least for the time being.

I wrote that it was similar in dating—we don't want to feel like we just settled for whatever was left. We want someone who makes us feel lucky and also makes us believe the best about ourselves.

Now for the exceptions.

There was a certain guy in a ward I attended that constantly got rejected. He was a bit socially awkward and not very attractive. Wait! I'm not saying social awkwardness and unattractiveness mean that someone should get rejected. The problem was that this guy always pursued the prettiest and most outgoing girls in the ward. The sad thing about this guy's situation was that there were at least a couple of girls who had told me they had interest in him. They were closer equals to him in terms of social skills and looks than the girls he would pursue.

Who knows if he would've ultimately worked out with either of them had he given them a chance. But they would've loved to at least have had a shot. Instead, they remained pining while he continued to get rejected by every single girl he tried to pursue.

I have a friend who makes a similar mistake. Sadly, she has really let her appearance go the past couple of years and yet she continues to obsess over the best looking guys. Like a little girl, she gets giddy if one of them so much as says hello to her and then is depressed an hour later when she sees one of them flirting with a pretty girl. Sometimes after such an occasion she will come to me upset, proclaiming, “No one will ever like me.”

I have the hardest time knowing what to say to her. She has so many good qualities that any guy would be lucky to have her. I'm sure that she will eventually meet the right one. But right now, she's getting caught up in guys that just have no interest in her.

Please feel free to call me out if I'm missing something or am just being downright superficial.

But—here comes the soapbox—

—here's what I can say anonymously on a blog but never in real life to a struggling friend—

—here's part of the reason I have an anonymous blog to begin with—

—if you're going after the person who is constantly surrounded by admirers, you better have a lot of admirers yourself. Don't waste your emotional energy with people who will not be attracted to you. (And who, in some cases, are not even worth the effort anyways.)

Looks aren't everything, but attraction—which is often initially sparked by looks—does count for a lot and has to be equal from both sides.

That's all. Nothing new. Nothing earth-shattering. But I bet a lot of you know some singles who don't seem to get it.

Acronyms. . .

. . .were kinda getting out of control. Dear blog stalkers, please note the new side bar for your convenience. :)

Real post to follow shortly.