It's now been over a week since the talk with my friend. By the way, I forgot to mention we also work together. Seeing him everyday has felt a little different, a little awkward. At least for me. In fact, I've kinda put off blogging about it because I just keep hoping things will go back to normal. But unfortunately, I can't really say that they have.
I realize it took a lot of courage for him to come out and admit to liking me after 2 years of friendship. I think it's very sweet. That's why, when he first told me about his feelings last Saturday, I told him that I had initially felt that attraction as well. I wanted to smooth the blow when I told him that, despite my initial attraction, I now only see him as a friend.
The truth is, I was attracted to him when I first met him 2 years ago. But it passed very quickly. Not because of anything he said or did, I just didn't feel it anymore. And I haven't felt it since.
But I probably shouldn't have taken that approach because it seems he took my rejection as an open door. Yesterday at work, for example, we were both complaining about how sleepy we were. He suggested we take the rest of the day off and go cuddle at his place in front of the tv.
I'm sorry, but cuddling is not happening. I'm not opposed to cuddling with my guy friends—I've done it before. But I can't do it when I know they like me. It doesn't seem right. I'd had to tell him no on Saturday. Why would I tell him yes now? Apparently I wasn't clear enough on Saturday: He and I are not happening.
I've been strung along before. I don't want to do that to someone else.
I appreciate all of your comments. I agree that finding someone who's your best friend is important. Eventually looks go anyways so it's important to find someone you can really talk to and have fun with. I get that.
But also, attraction is still important. The physical aspect of relationships is important. If it grosses me out to think about kissing him, it's not going to happen very often. And that's not fair to either of us.
And would any of us actually settle for a relationship where our partner did not find us attractive? I love my friend—which is exactly why I would hate for him to be in that situation. He deserves someone who is attracted to him. He deserves someone who loves every aspect of who he is.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
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11 comments:
So here's my thought- I once felt the same way about a guy that you do about this guy. Now it's too late. He's married, and I'm still alone. I really wish I would have just given him a chance.
Okay, I'm totally with you on the whole "needing to be attracted" thing. This is exactly how I feel when it comes to dating and relationships. It is an extremely important aspect, and it certainly cannot be forced (much to my mother's chagrin).
I will just ask you this one question, though. Do you think that there would be even the very slightest of possibilities that your feelings for him might change if you went on one real date with him? If so, perhaps you should explore that avenue. If not, then move on and don't feel badly about it.
Beware of superficiality. Looks aren't everything and matter absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. If you were to allow yourself to make an emotional attachment to someone of real substance, you will find that individual attractive despite their (below)average looks. You will also realize the opposite is true: lack of substance or ugliness inside will make any "beautiful" person ugly. (See various movie starlets.)
Just my $.02.
Good luck and keep looking!
I totally agree with Scott and there is actually some social science research that supports that idea. When we are emotionally attached to someone, we will feel physically attracted to them. I've also experienced that in real life. The hard part is allowing ourselves to truly emotionally connect to people. That involves being vulnerable and letting your wall down. Not always fun or easy since you might get hurt.
How grossed out can you be from the idea of kissing him, when at one point you were attracted? I take that to mean he's at least normal looking? I say give it a chance.
I might say give it a chance, but someone mentioned that looks aren't everything...yes, that's true to a degree, but you HAVE to be attracted to someone. Maybe that could grow over time, so that's why I say give it a chance. If it doesn't grow though, it's not worth it. I'm sorry, but attraction and sex are majorly important in a relationship/marriage.
And whoever said that they wish they gave the guy a chance simply because they're still single sounds a little off. Just because you're single doesn't mean you should give everyone a chance for the mere hope that you might not be single anymore. How about giving someone a chance based on how you feel about them, not on how you feel about being single.
I think even a mediocre guy can become more attractive to me as I get to know him whereas a really good looking guy can get less appealing; that chemsitry factor has a crazy affect on us. Over the 2 years you should have been feeling more not less. I don't think you are going to start feeling something for him now if you haven't before now.
um.....did I JUST read a blog where a girl was doing the right thing??? cool.......
Icidently anything other than no in a guys book means there is a possibility.....if you say no but then soften the blow by being friendly again..thats a sign that theres still hope..... sorry..guys are just dumb like that!
BTW, I am in love with your blog. After I had been through a rough break-up I read "He's Just Not That Into You" and it (a little embarrassed to say this) changed my life. Ridiculous, I know. Well, I went more than a year without being asked out. Sure, I would ask guys out myself, but only for a fling because I knew what I wanted and what I wanted was a man who had enough sense (and balls) to take some initiative and see me for all that I am and ASK ME OUT! In short, I waited for exactly what I wanted. Call it picky, call it whatever. I got what I wanted because I KNEW what I wanted and decided that I shouldn't settle for anything less. It's so refreshing to see/read someone who knows what they want and aren't ashamed of that. Even though being single can maybe suck at times (and ROCK at other times!), the important thing is that you're not somewhere with someone you DON'T want. It's not worth it.
Attraction is important and isn't completely based on looks. If you have known him for 2 years you probably know him well enough to know he is not what you are looking for. Some commentors say they want to mary their friends and wish they were in your shoes, but just because you are friends with someone doesn't mean you can marry them or have a romantic relationship. I have had soooo many good friends that definately didn't have the qualities I wanted in a spouse. But I treasured their friendship anyways. Just being friends isn't enough. But I can definately say that my husband is my very best friend and the best friend I have ever had. It didn't start out that way. That friendship developed after the inital attraction that told me (and him) this person could be something more. I didn't get married until 27 and defiantely don't reget waiting for someone that I wouldn't have had to talk myself into loving. I wish you luck and I totally think you are doing the right thing! It is so much better to be happily single than unhappily married!!
agb here
Im sorry but I have been on the other side of this blog where I have been a friend for 8 years.
Even after countless repeating of wanting to be just friends I cant shut off my feeling for the woman. Much as I like to because it hurts a heck of a lot to be in the friends zone.
I just want her to be happy weather its me or weather its someone else. I want to be happy to. It just sucks when she says that all the guys she dates are total jerks yet she wont give me the time of day.
such is life. I cant relate to only want to be friends. I have friends I want something more than friends.
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