AGB - Its beautiful day

By AGB aka Shelby

Hello again fellow bloggers. I asked SS to allow me to write my exploits on my continued quest to find that perfect lady. I have to say I have made a break through. No I’m not married nor am I in a relationship. I have arrived at some simple truths. These may be clichéd but they work.

First let me tell you about the negative so you understand the positive. I am one of those people that have put my self-esteem on being able to be married. At 34 that looks pretty grim. Ive felt horrible, looked horrible. Mr Unhappy man was my middle name! Depression was second only to loneliness in my world. Boy did it show. I was wrought with worry and hoping beyond hoping that Id meet that special someone. It was on my every thought. It was in my every deed. It was carried over to everything. In fact it has kept me from blogging here because I was soooo negative. I was desperate.

But a few months ago I remembered a scripture I learned in seminary. “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” (proverbs 3:5) I decided to apply that scripture and put it on the lord to find someone and lean not to my own understanding. This has made me free to not hurt so bad and let happen what will happen. When I talk to a lady now, I’m more relaxed. I’m not stressing over does she like me? Is she into me?

Happiness begins where one ends. I have taken a new outlook. I am gonna be happy no matter what. This fellow bloggers is hard, really hard to do. “Think bad thoughts is really the easiest thing in the world. If you leave your mind to itself it will spiral down into ever increasing unhappiness. To think good thoughts, however, requires effort. This is one of the things that discipline - training - is about. (James Clavell, in his novel "Shogun") This is a key piece to the puzzle. When you are happy then it shows. Bloggers make this a commitment.

Now my success, I have had more dates this past month than I have in the last 4 years. Honestly they have been bad dates (im out of practice!). I do know though that it doesn’t matter because 1 the lord knows my heart and 2 no matter what I am happy. I hope everyone can do these few things!

Dreams

by SS

Yeah, it's been awhile. A lot has been going in my life—some good, some not so good. Lately I've made some rather unpleasant realizations about myself. I think I've avoided blogging so I can pretend they're not true. Writing stuff down makes it more real. It makes you responsible for it. And I'm not sure if I'm ready for that yet. But here goes. In part at least.

Awhile back I railed on girls who resist pursuing their dreams because they're waiting on a man.

But I've recently realized that I am one of those girls.

Yes, I'm a hypocrite. I've been so busy accusing others of something that I couldn't see that I was doing it myself.

See, my family moved overseas when I was young. Ever since that time I had imagined a certain life for myself. I dreamt that someday I would live overseas with my own family. We'd move from country to country every few years. We'd pick up languages, friends, and experiences along the way.

As I got a little older, however, I realized that finding a guy who wanted this same life path significantly narrowed my choices. Certainly it was never impossible. I've met a number of married couples over the years who are living out this dream together. But it did sort of put a damper on things when I'd be out with a guy and discover that he had no intention of ever living outside the United States. Or even worse—he wanted to settle down and live out the rest of his life in the same town or city.

But I tried not to let it get to me too much. I told myself this didn't have to be a dealbreaker. With the right man, I could be happy living here for the rest of my life.

While I mostly still believe this to be true, at what point do you realize—really realize—that it just may not happen? At what point do you discover that you can't wait around any longer? When do you accept that you are the only one responsible for making your dreams happen? Most of all, when do you realize that you have put your dreams on hold for a man? A man that does not yet exist.

It was probably so easy for me to spot other girls doing this because somewhere deep down, I knew I was doing it myself. I tricked myself into believing that I wasn't one of those girls—I have a good career, I do lots of fun stuff, I'm not bitter and depressed, blah blah blah.

Whatever. With a bit more clarity now I look back and realize that I was waiting. I was holding out. While I have no qualms about traveling overseas by myself, moving overseas seemed to be a whole different ball game. I didn't think I could pursue my dream alone. In fact, I was terrified of going it alone.

I hadn't realized any of this a few months ago when I finally buckled down and applied for my dream overseas job. Mostly I was just having a bad day and did it on a whim. It wasn't until I was offered and accepted the job that I realized all this. Only then did I feel this happiness, fulfillment, and exhilaration that I hadn't felt in a very long time.

It's ridiculous. It's embarrassing. It's taken me 6 YEARS of being an adult member of the workforce to get myself on the career path which I now realize is the only one I've ever truly wanted. I was content with my previous job. But it was not my dream. It was not what I ultimately imagined for myself. It did not make me tingle with excitement. And it's stunning to look back and realize that the main thing holding me back all this time has been fear of doing it alone.

But now I'm doing it. I'm leaving in less than a month. Yes, I'm a little fearful of the unknown. But mostly I feel incredibly lucky.

Would I rather not do this alone? Of course. But I am finally going to live my longest-held dream. No more “good enough.” No more complacency. No more waiting.

My dream is happening. And I am thrilled!