Dreams

by SS

Yeah, it's been awhile. A lot has been going in my life—some good, some not so good. Lately I've made some rather unpleasant realizations about myself. I think I've avoided blogging so I can pretend they're not true. Writing stuff down makes it more real. It makes you responsible for it. And I'm not sure if I'm ready for that yet. But here goes. In part at least.

Awhile back I railed on girls who resist pursuing their dreams because they're waiting on a man.

But I've recently realized that I am one of those girls.

Yes, I'm a hypocrite. I've been so busy accusing others of something that I couldn't see that I was doing it myself.

See, my family moved overseas when I was young. Ever since that time I had imagined a certain life for myself. I dreamt that someday I would live overseas with my own family. We'd move from country to country every few years. We'd pick up languages, friends, and experiences along the way.

As I got a little older, however, I realized that finding a guy who wanted this same life path significantly narrowed my choices. Certainly it was never impossible. I've met a number of married couples over the years who are living out this dream together. But it did sort of put a damper on things when I'd be out with a guy and discover that he had no intention of ever living outside the United States. Or even worse—he wanted to settle down and live out the rest of his life in the same town or city.

But I tried not to let it get to me too much. I told myself this didn't have to be a dealbreaker. With the right man, I could be happy living here for the rest of my life.

While I mostly still believe this to be true, at what point do you realize—really realize—that it just may not happen? At what point do you discover that you can't wait around any longer? When do you accept that you are the only one responsible for making your dreams happen? Most of all, when do you realize that you have put your dreams on hold for a man? A man that does not yet exist.

It was probably so easy for me to spot other girls doing this because somewhere deep down, I knew I was doing it myself. I tricked myself into believing that I wasn't one of those girls—I have a good career, I do lots of fun stuff, I'm not bitter and depressed, blah blah blah.

Whatever. With a bit more clarity now I look back and realize that I was waiting. I was holding out. While I have no qualms about traveling overseas by myself, moving overseas seemed to be a whole different ball game. I didn't think I could pursue my dream alone. In fact, I was terrified of going it alone.

I hadn't realized any of this a few months ago when I finally buckled down and applied for my dream overseas job. Mostly I was just having a bad day and did it on a whim. It wasn't until I was offered and accepted the job that I realized all this. Only then did I feel this happiness, fulfillment, and exhilaration that I hadn't felt in a very long time.

It's ridiculous. It's embarrassing. It's taken me 6 YEARS of being an adult member of the workforce to get myself on the career path which I now realize is the only one I've ever truly wanted. I was content with my previous job. But it was not my dream. It was not what I ultimately imagined for myself. It did not make me tingle with excitement. And it's stunning to look back and realize that the main thing holding me back all this time has been fear of doing it alone.

But now I'm doing it. I'm leaving in less than a month. Yes, I'm a little fearful of the unknown. But mostly I feel incredibly lucky.

Would I rather not do this alone? Of course. But I am finally going to live my longest-held dream. No more “good enough.” No more complacency. No more waiting.

My dream is happening. And I am thrilled!