Stalking? (my take)

I know it's taken me forever, but I'm finally gonna respond to the stalking discussion initiated by AGB. (Yes, anonymous guy blogger gets his own acronym now!)

First of all, I agree with some of the commenters that the term “stalker” is overused and misused. As S's comment indicated, real stalking can be a dangerous and serious crime. Like other girls I know, I've had an instance or two where I had to get the police involved because I was being followed home. Another girl I know had to actually pack up and move to another part of town. It can be a pretty scary thing—but luckily, it's not usually what we girls mean when we call someone a stalker. Unfortunately, I don't think the English language has a good term for someone who is paying unwanted attention to someone else.

But really, I think that's all it is.

A “stalker” is usually just someone who is showing us an inappropriate amount of interest. Of course the inappropriateness is entirely subjective, which is one of many reasons why dating can be so frustrating for both men and women. The issue may be that the attention is coming from someone we'd rather have nothing to do with. Or the issue may be that the attention has just gotten too strong. Or maybe a combination of the two.

So how does one know how persistent to be? Where does one draw the line?

Um, I don't actually have answers to these questions. Just some observations.

I think girls today fall all over a traditional to modern continuum. Just to give one example—some girls are so traditional that it's a dealbreaker if a guy doesn't come around to open their car door. At the other end of the spectrum are girls that would not only feel awkward if a guy were to do such a thing, but would in fact be offended by it. A lot of girls are somewhere in between. And, just to make it more complex, a lot of girls will fall on different spots along the continuum depending on the issue. I recognize this paradox within myself. For example, I would love to find a guy that would be open to going to the places my career takes me. On the other hand, I find it very sweet when a guy gets the door for me and am more than happy to let him do it. Can we really just pick and choose when we will be traditional and when we will be modern? (But that's an issue for another day.)

My point in bringing up the traditional vs. modern thing is that I imagine it's difficult for an interested guy to figure out which approach to take with a girl he doesn't know very well yet. Let's be honest. Ultimately, if the girl is very interested, the guy will win with just about any approach. By the same token, if the girl has no interest at all, the guy is almost certainly doomed to fail no matter what he does. However—and I think a large number of cases fall into this category—if the girl is only slightly interested or somewhat ambivalent, the guy's approach can make all the difference. (Of course there are always exceptions, but let's be general for now.)

A good friend was recently telling me that she wished guys and girls would communicate their interest upfront. While I agree that an uninterested girl should communicate her lack of interest as soon as possible so as to not lead the guy on, I think there is something to be said for keeping your cards close to your chest when feelings are starting to develop. Sometimes it takes awhile for us to figure out how we feel about someone else. During that indecisive time, if someone puts too much pressure on us, we run away. No girl wants to feel rushed into a relationship before she's sure how she feels. A lot of us have had the unpleasant experience of a guy pushing way too hard and have become perhaps overly cautious about having such an experience be repeated.

I'm not advocating game playing here. Just caution. And realism.

There seems to be something in human nature that pushes us to want the most we can get. For example, we want the most bang for our buck on a car, house, or other purchase. This isn't to say we necessarily want the biggest and best—but, of all the models or types that fit what we're looking for, we want the nicest one. We love to feel like we somehow managed to get—whether by luck, skillful bargaining, or a combination of the two—the nicest item from the very top of our price range if not even a little above it. No one likes to feel that they simply settled for whatever was left. At least not when it really matters.

It's similar in our search for a relationship. We want someone who makes us say, “wow.” We want someone who, like with the purchase example, leaves us feeling lucky, makes us believe the best about ourselves, or (most likely) a combination of the two. These feelings are unlikely to develop quickly, especially if the other person instantly lays it all on the line.

In the past I've talked about love at first sight. It happens. But in these cases, both parties usually know pretty quickly. In all other cases, I think it's best to give it some time. A guy who throws himself at a girl sets himself up for a very unbalanced relationship from the get-go. Same for a girl who throws herself at a guy. In most cases, people need time to develop respect and esteem for someone else.

Clear as mud? Exactly. :)

Stalking? (guest post #2)

Unfortunately, I'm still having the same blogging issues mentioned in the PS of this post. Fortunately, however, my anonymous guy blogger has sent me another post. Here you have it:

Now that I am 33 I have had a harder time getting out and meeting Single LDS women. It seems I have hit some invisible barrier and cannot get past it. This has opened up new challenges when it comes to dating. How does one go about meeting “The One”? I am not allowed to go to the young single adult ward because I am over age. If there was a single adult ward available then I am lumped in with a broad spectrum of ages. This spectrum is from 80 year olds carrying oxygen bottles to the brand new 31 year old who have graduated (feels more like flunked) out of the Young single adult ward. Activities that I hear about are planned by the YSA. I go to those on rare occasion but then there are always the questions of “Where do you go to church?” Followed by an awkward “oh” What I find humorous is that there is an “age difference” between 33-28 yet there is none between 28-23.

So I have been pushed to other venues in order to date. Online dating is one of the more successful ones. I can meet and talk to women and I can even do that in the comfort of anonymity. I don’t think online dating is really a great choice but it’s a choice when I don’t have a lot. Another Venue that has been surprisingly successful has been Facebook. I have been able to meet some people and get to know them through networking.

So I found this girl that seemed interesting. She was a good friend of one of my best friends in another city south of here. I had heard a lot about her from my buddy and she piqued my interest. I Facebook friended her and attempted to chit chat. I was in another city so being introduced wasn’t really a option. I had my friend talk to her about me. And I asked him if she would be bothered if I asked her out when I came into town. He stated she is cool and couldn’t see a problem with that. This is where I went wrong. First off Men don’t understand a woman’s psyche. Second bad things happen when 2 woefully social inept men try and reason out what a woman is going to do. As you can tell it went horribly wrong. I did go about asking her out and was then labeled “Stalker” for my efforts. And all I really did was ask her out on a date so I could get to know her. I did go and visit my buddy who unfortunately got caught in the middle of this fiasco. Now this girl wouldn’t ride in the same car as me. She didn’t want to hang around me but yet wanted to talk and hang out with my buddy. She kept trying to make my buddy choose between me or her. I felt bad for him and I felt bad someone considered me that way.

This experience hurt me to the core. I am a nice guy, yep the one who the Bachelorette sends on his way. I don’t really want anyone to think bad of me. I am just lonely and want to have someone I can share a life with. I know I don’t say the right things nor am I perfect. And let’s be honest I don’t understand women. But what makes me or other men a “Stalker”? Due to this experience I have reflected on Stalkers. Is my behavior giving someone that impression? Am I weird or make people uncomfortable?

Acceptable behavior. So I have noticed that sometimes depending on how good looking or likeable the person is, makes their actions acceptable when in others it wouldn’t be. Would you be bothered, if a guy (that looked like a movie star) followed you like a little puppy dog? That’s cute right? You wouldn’t mind having one of those guys around you all the time. Now say its someone who is like Jabba the Hutt following you around. Still cute? No? STALKER!!!! Is there a difference other than their appearance? I not certain that is fair, but have we really stopped and thought about it? I am just as guilty. Countless times have I done stuff for girls simply because they were attractive when I wouldn’t for anyone else. I helped cute girls move for free when I made my own brother buy me pizza and soda. How many more times have I done this? I sometime have to reflect to myself would I allow this behavior no matter who it is? Sadly I have seen and fallen short many, many times.

I Told Him I wasn’t Interested. Communication is one of the things that I think makes a stalker. A message of you are making me uncomfortable is not being received instead the person is thinking that you are playing hard to get or some such silliness. I have found a phenomenon that woman think that they are clear in their message to men. They are not, especially within my mind. Because of this any subtle hints (and not so subtle hints) a female may have dropped in my direction I have obliviously missed. I don’t think I am the only one to not get these clues it is almost a males rite of passage. I hear all of my female friends that say “I like it when a guy pursues me.” And so you combine the TWO of not getting hints and trying to woo and pursue and get a mess! There is a fine line between persistence and being a stalker. It’s pretty easy to cross that line. I think I have crossed it a few times but my intentions were good. Regardless I missed the mark. If only that girl been direct I could have saved the heartache on both sides. I think the best way and the only way is to be direct in your feelings. The problem becomes when you don’t want to confront someone and rather avoid them. This gives mixed signals, and exacerbates the problem. Everyone is different and they handle things differently that is where the real challenge is to try and communicate.

Irony. So ironically the girl that accused me of being a stalker showed up again. I had deleted her on Facebook and severed ties to save what dignity I had left. This worked well until She needed to recreate her Facebook profile. So who did she invite as a Facebook friend? That’s right ME! I handled it as best as I could because I really wanted to let her know how I felt about all this. This was my reply.

SOOO..........I do know who you are. In fact I don’t mind if you are my friend. I am concerned as the last information I got from a very reliable source you considered me a stalker.It was never my intention to give you that impression. In this spirit I am rejecting your friend request. If you feel that impression is incorrect or you have decided I am not a stalker. Please feel free to add me again.

Thank you

Maybe this was a little cold but it was direct and honest and that is what I thought was good about it. What is crazy is that she was MAD that I rejected her Facebook request?!?!??!??!??

What are your thoughts on what makes a stalker? Is it really a creepy guy? Or is it some misunderstanding/miscommunication?

What are the chances?

Remember OS?

So the other day I just happened to run into his father. In a freakin' foreign country. And not even the same country where I'd known him and his family before. Seriously, how is this even possible? Totally blows my mind. It's one of those situations where you can't help but wonder if it's more than a coincidence.

It was kind of an awkward encounter. I hadn't seen him since I ended things with his son a couple of years ago.

I really, really wanted to ask him how his son was doing. But how could I?

Did I mention I still think about OS sometimes? We were so compatible in very unique, yet important ways.

I guess you could say I do have regrets. And yet, I really did what I thought was best at the time. Can we ever do more than that?

A male perspective (guest post #1)

I've had a couple of interesting emails from one of my male readers so I asked him if he would mind doing a guest post giving a little male perspective. Here is what he had to say:


I was asked to write my own personal feeling here in this blog. I feel honored for being allowed to do so, but feel I am just the male half of why I’m still single side of the coin. I think I like to open on my thoughts on what I have learned after 33 years in Singledom. I think the biggest theme I learned is some guys have game, and I do not. I have always hated The Game but have found I must play it even if I don’t want to. Which I think plays a part in why I don’t have game. On the other hand I have had the unique experience to understand what not to do in my quest for getting married.

One of my biggest mistakes is my over eagerness when it comes to dating. I mean I asked this smart charming intelligent beautiful girl on a date and she even said YES!!! What more can there be, its LOVE!! I’m exaggerating a little but I have caught myself on this line of thinking. It’s like I try and do a 400 yard dash in a dark room, and all I end up with is a lot of bruises. The more excited I have gotten the more unlike myself I have become. This change in turn has been very noticeable and undesirable. My biggest successes were when I hadn’t even noticed I was in to them. I remember in high school there was this girl at a church swimming party just sitting on a table all by herself. When I saw her my first thoughts were "I bet she is bored". I sat next to her and next thing you know we went out on several dates. That’s how it should be each and every time not just one offs.

Another one of my repeated mistakes is tying my self-worth to being attractive/dateable/married. This doesn’t work but I repeatedly do it. I think this blog touches on this theme a lot. What I can say is I have had a lot of pressure on being married. A lot of Non Mormons would raise a eyebrow at this but let me explain. I am the youngest of 7 and all of them are married and have 3-5 kids each. My parents are nearing their 50th wedding anniversary. Couple that with if you're 27, LDS and not married, you're a menace to society statements and yea I feel the pressure. I have read many church articles on being single in the church and they all seem to point to the single women of the church. It’s like to be a man it’s my fault I am single. While I do agree to take responsibility for my actions what I don’t understand is that it takes 2 to tango and a man just can’t marry himself. I think I am trying but it isn’t happening the way and when I want it to. In essence all of this pressure has made me think it’s me that is the problem. When it’s really not it’s just the circumstances of it. What happens is a never ending cycle, a worth cycle. I recently read a book that talked about appearance in how it’s an ultimate expression of you and how you are. I think there is validly in that statement. What happens on my worth cycle is that when I put all of my self-worth on being attractive/dateable/married and I am not attractive/dateable/married then I have no self worth. I express that in my appearance, mannerisms and such which then shows others that I am not attractive/dateable/married, Which perpetrates the downward spiral. What I have found is I need to stop being what I am not (at the moment) to what I am (at the moment).

When I was younger if I had read what I wrote here I’d say it was all cliché. The thing is when I was younger I missed some of the most basic lessons, I should of learned.

The “perfect” one always goes

I admit it. I love me some “Bachelorette.”

Despite the fact that show is built on a ridiculous premise. (Meet and get engaged in just a few weeks? It's like Provo on crack.)
Despite the fact that some, if not all, of the show is scripted.
Despite the fact that most of the characters have no personality.
AND despite the fact that watching the show is like watching one painfully awkward DTR* after another for 2 straight hours. Minus commercials, of course.

So why do I love it? Well, part of the reason is that a bit of mindless entertainment is quite refreshing after a long day at work. The other part of the reason is that, despite all the above-mentioned absurdities, there are little nuggets of relationship truth strewn around the show. Yes, it's hyperbole, but truth nonetheless.

Hear me out.

Apparently a lot of “Bachelorette” fans were upset that Jillian sent Jake home this week. He was so sweet and “perfect.” In his final goodbye, he threw himself this sad little pity party wherein he monologued about the old cliche—the nice guy always finishes last. We've all heard the same sob story so many times.

But here's what I think. Jillian didn't send Jake home because he was too nice. She sent him home because he was too “perfect.” He molded himself into what he thought a perfect boyfriend should be. And maybe he really would've been the perfect boyfriend—but we got no sense that he had any sort of personality beyond that. Boring.

I don't have a long history with this show. But I'm starting to see a pattern.

I started with DeAnna a couple seasons back. It came down to 2 guys—the wild card, Jesse, and the perfect and safe one, Jason. All DeAnna could ever say about Jason was how “perfect” he was—he was everything she'd ever wanted in a husband and future father. A lot of people were rooting for her to pick Jason. But she chose Jesse. Jason was just too “perfect.”

Then Jason became the bachelor. In the end it came down to 2 girls—the “wild card,” Molly, and the “perfect one,” Melissa. (I have to use quotation marks for all these descriptors because really, they only represent how Jason described them. In reality, both girls seemed equally boring.) So, Jason plays it safe, chooses the “perfect” one, only to dump her a couple months later for the “wild card.”

Like I said, ridiculous, exaggerated stories. But I think there's a little something to them.

I don't know about you, but I'm a fan of nice people. I've never broken up with or chosen not to date a guy because he was too nice. On the other hand, I have broken up with or chosen not to date certain guys because they were too “perfect.”

I keep putting the word “perfect” in quotation marks because I really should define what I mean by it. I'm talking about those people who seem to mold themselves into exactly whatever it is you're looking for. This isn't to say that they don't genuinely have some of those attributes. Rather, they just don't seem to have much of a personality beyond that. It's as if they live only to please you. To me, that's not being nice. That's being lost.

Don't get me wrong. I think sacrifice is an important part of any meaningful relationship—romantic or otherwise. But sometimes you gotta take a stand for yourself. Sometimes you gotta disagree. Sometimes you gotta do something unpredictable. I think an ideal partner would be 100% reliable when it comes to the things that really matter. But when it comes to everything else, I think a lot of us like it mixed up. What hobby will you take up next? What interesting thing did you learn about? What will you want to do this weekend? What crazy life experience did you never tell us about till now?

Otherwise. Boring.

Of course there are exceptions, but I really believe that the nice guy that's finishing last isn't finishing last because he's too nice. Maybe he's too boring. Or maybe the girl doesn't feel any chemistry with him. Or maybe he just hasn't met the right girl.

Dear nice guys, we do like you. As long as you're not “perfect,” the right one will come along. You just haven't met her yet.



*Mo-speak for the awkward “Define the Relationship” discussion that, in my opinion, should only ever need to take place if the couple is contemplating a long distance relationship.

Marital status = self worth?

I recently got an email from one of my regular non-Mormon readers. (Who always asks the best questions, I might add! :)) She was curious about the phenomenon of women tying their self worth to their marital status. She wanted to know—is it society, Mormonism, or something else?

Well, I hope you don't mind, M, but I'm gonna share my response to you with everyone.

I see 3 phenomena going on here. Dear readers, please feel free to add more.

1. I know several women who truly and genuinely desire to only be a mother. I don't use the word “only” in a negative sense here—I believe motherhood is a hugely important task that is unfortunately often undervalued by society. All I mean is that being a mother is the thing they would rather do more than anything else in the world. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. If anything, I sometimes envy the usually selfless and nurturing nature of these women that is the source of this desire.

Don't get me wrong. I would like to be a mother, too. But also, it really really scares me. As I mentioned before, I'm really not domestic. Also, while I do try to be a nice person, I think I was absent the day they handed out the patient, nurturing gene. Plus, I just really enjoy what I do for work. I'm concerned about my ability to adjust to cutting back on my job to raise a child.

So yeah. I can't even imagine how frustrating it must be for those whose only desire is to be a mom. Imagine—the one thing that you'd really like to be doing with your life is just out of your reach. And, no matter how much you want it, it ultimately depends on circumstances and factors that are beyond your control. This certainly would take a hit on one's feeling of self worth. Heart-wrenching.

2. There's a lot of pressure to get married, especially in Mormon circles. Some of it's outright and direct—church leaders, family members, and/or friends telling you how important getting married is to God's plan. Some of it's subtle and unspoken—watching large numbers of couples around you getting engaged. Cycling through friend after friend as each takes their turn to be married off. All that pressure and it's still not working out for you. You start wondering what's wrong with you.

3. Finally, and this last one is true of certain people from all religions and cultures—some people just do not seem to function unless they're in a relationship. We all know people like this. They jump from one relationship to another. Sometimes they're in such a hurry to be in their next relationship that they end up finding themselves in a bad relationship.

While some are extreme in this desire to be paired off, I do think it touches all of us to at least some degree. I believe the vast majority of people don't ultimately want to end up alone in life. Sometimes I think if someone could just promise me that I'd be married by the time I was 40, I'd enjoy single life that much more. As I've said before, I genuinely do enjoy my life. I'd like to think that I make the most of being single, taking advantage of all the freedom and opportunities that it offers. But, not gonna lie. It would be a bit more enjoyable if there wasn't this nagging thought in the back of my mind saying something like, “Hey! If you wait too long, you're gonna miss the boat altogether and you will ultimately end up alone.” Rational thought or not, it's there. And I definitely don't want to be alone forever.

In sum, I think the issue is complex. This phenomenon of tying your self worth to your marital status may be caused by religious/cultural pressure or fear for some. For others, however, it may stem from a personal desire that's left unfulfilled.

Girls, I'm begging you.

I didn't start this blog to get all preachy on you. I just wanted to share some ideas, maybe a few stories, point out a few absurdities. But sometimes there needs to be some preaching.

I'm not the kind of friend who will quietly pretend to not notice the food stuck in your teeth all night. I'll try to be discreet about it—but you can be assured that I will tell you.

What I'm about to say probably does not even apply to you at all. But if you are in regular contact with single Mormon girls, I can almost bet that you know what I'm talking about.

What I'm about to say is not even close to being new. You've heard it a billion times. But clearly, it has not set in for some. So let it be said again.

GET A LIFE!!!!

Too many times girls give guys too much control over their lives.

Or, as is probably more common, girls let their marital status have too much control over their lives.

I see too many single Mormon girls whose self worth is entirely tied to their relationship status. They float around the country from one random job to another, just hoping that the new location will be the place where they finally find “the one.”

Sometimes I just wanna shake them and say: Hey! Pretend for a minute that you're NEVER gonna get married. Now what do you really wanna do with your life? Figure it out and go do it!

That's all. I will now step down from my soap box. :)


PS It turns out that blogging while traveling abroad is more difficult than I'd anticipated. Finding a decent internet connection, time, energy, etc. Quite the challenge. I'm not gonna bore you with my apologies or promises to do better. The truth is—I probably won't get to blog this summer nearly as much as I would like. But I can promise that I do plan to keep the blog going long term. So, add me to your reader, check back periodically, shoot me an email, whatever. But do stay with me, my lovely single sisters! While I may be hopping all over the globe, my blog is staying right here.

Duck update

Duck beach was perfect. To all the naysayers—Duck is what you make of it. I had a fabulous time this year, even though I'm not a big fan of large parties. Great beaches. Great houses. Great friends. Great food. Great memories.

I love the beach. I love actually being able to see the stars at night. I love quiet roads with minimal traffic. I love having sand all over everything. I love being barefoot. I love eating on balconies with ocean views. I love sunshine on my skin. I love my friends.

Now for the recap. I do apologize, but for the sake of anonymity I can't really get into more specific details than these:

So, I mostly behaved myself. Gorgeous guy I'd gone out with a couple times awhile back made a reappearance. I succumbed to letting him attach himself to me for most of the weekend. I definitely do not need to date this guy, but fortunately, he lives in another state for the time being. This means that when it's time to say goodbye and he gets all cute, running his fingers through my hair and telling me how much he likes me, I can get away with just smiling and saying, “I've missed you.” Which was sorta true. I really enjoy spending time with him. And, call me superficial, it definitely helps that he's so easy on the eyes. But he's not right for me. And I'm glad to not have to make a decision about whether or not to go against my better judgment and let something more substantial happen between us.

I'm pretty sure that Beyond-a-Second-Date Boy and I just aren't happening. I'm sad about this because I wanted it to work. See, unlike this other guy, BSDB actually would be good for me. We got together for a little bit this weekend and had a nice chat. But that's all it was—just some pleasant banter. No depth, no excitement, no spark. I think we could be friends, though. Maybe.

Last thing. DBB still has my number. I'll just leave it at that for now.

Definitely some perks. . .

. . .to being single.

As you know, I'm headed off to Duck Beach this weekend. And this marks the beginning of a summer full of traveltraveltravel!

Some to other states, some to other continents. Some for work, some for fun. Between now and Labor Day I'll have covered over 20,000 miles. Eat your hearts out, married friends!

It's going to be a good summer.


PS I haven't forgotten that I need to update you about Beyond-a-Second-Date Boy. I'm conveniently waiting till after Duck for that. :)

The random hook up—part 2

One weekend, during the whole NEB saga, I took a road trip to a neighboring city with a couple of my roommates. An old guy friend of mine who lived there was having a party. My guy friend had told me that his roommate was a bit of a player. My roommate had also warned me with stories. But I wasn’t concerned because I'm hardly ever attracted to that type. Plus there would be plenty of girls for Player Boy to pursue at the party.

But I ended up being PB's lucky winner. And he was better than I thought. Even though I didn’t even like him that much. I mean, he was nice and fun and cute, but our personalities were quite different.

He ended up hovering around me all night . I guess I could've tried harder to lose him, but he seemed to just suck me in. Later we went to watch a movie on the beanbags and. . .what can I say? I couldn’t believe how forward he was. I certainly could’ve fought him more, but I felt weak.

Here is the pathetic part—I pretended it was NEB. Of course I felt nothing because it wasn’t NEB. But I tried to imagine. Ugh.

The following day we all went out to explore the city. PB stayed at my side all day and—even though I had told myself the previous night that I wouldn't—the evening once again led to the beanbag.

The next day we said goodbye. Meaningless, devoid of feeling. The whole time I knew it would be that way. And fortunately (as sad as this may sound) I didn’t like him that much so there was no hurt or anything to get over.

I think I need to remind myself of these experiences so that I will be good at Duck Beach this weekend. :)