The End.

by SS

I've been meaning to end this blog for awhile now, but not only am I lazy, I haven't really had anything interesting to say about being single since...um...April at least. Judging by my blog.

I think I've gotten out my rants and expressed my main fears and concerns. That's it. Life goes on. Sometimes I wish I weren't single and other times I fully embrace it. In the end all I can do is work to change those things that are in my control. Like pursuing a career I really want or moving to a city or country where I really want to live. I can't make my dream guy appear and even if I could, I certainly couldn't make him fall in love with me, not already be taken, or cause the timing to be right.

I've learned that maintaining a positive attitude, keeping up your appearance, and developing your character can only take you so far. There's a lot of luck involved, too. For 2 people to come together that share similar values and interests, are physically attracted to each other, and are both ready and willing to enter into the same level of commitment is nothing short of a miracle. Especially as the pool of potentials seems to get smaller. Or does it?

The pool of potentials.

The only idea I have left to contribute to this blog before I close it down. Eh, who am I kidding? It's not even that original. I've already written about dating younger guys. My general take was that although I understand the appeal, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Well, a little bit younger, sure. But not 5 years or more.

I wrote that entry almost a year and a half ago. And after many months of reflection, I've realized that my hang up with younger guys actually had nothing to do with their age. It had to do with me not being okay with my own age. Intellectually, I'm fine with my age. I'm generally pretty happy with who I am and where I'm going in life. My mind tells me that age is just a number, especially as you get older, blah blah blah.

But emotionally it makes me insecure to see most people my age with their own families while I'm still running around as free as I was in college. I know it's not right, but I feel like I should be somewhere else in life. Even though my mind tells me I'm okay.

So if I'm not okay with my age, how can I expect someone else to be?

And then I met someone in August. We had that initial boom of chemistry and attraction that I hadn't experienced in many, many years. Indeed, I had long started to think that that sort of thing was an embellished memory of mine and/or something reserved only for movies. I figured right away that he was probably a little bit younger. He figured that I was a little bit older.

We found out a couple weeks into things that I've got 8.5 years on him.

I kinda freaked out. I started distancing myself little by little. I began the process of detaching myself emotionally so as to lessen the pain of the blow it would be to cut him out of my life. It was heartbreaking.

Then one day I found myself home alone in tears. Sometimes it takes that dramatically low point for me to wake up and realize I'm being ridiculous. In my depths of despair, I finally recognized my mistake. I was about to break up with an amazing guy for no good reason. He was okay with the age difference. Why couldn't I be okay with it?

It's hard to change mindsets you've held your whole life. Especially coming from a traditional Mormon background. My life is so different from my mother's, my aunts', my YW leaders'. Basically every female authority figure I ever had growing up in small towns. All of these women were married by age 21 at the absolute latest. Most of them were able to stay home with their children. The most they ever worked was maybe part time at a store while the kids were in school.

Why didn't it turn out that way for me? I can honestly say that I've enjoyed living my life, but I think I've wondered for many years now why things didn't turn out for me like they did for the other women I knew my first 18 years of life. And even worse, I've assumed that my divergence from this path has been due to some sort of flaw within myself. Back home, it was a scandal to be 21 and single. To now be 30 and single?!? Surely something was wrong.

Of course my mindset has shifted significantly since leaving home at 18. I've now had 12+ years of getting degrees, pursuing a career, living and traveling overseas. I've met many wonderful women who are successfully pursuing their dreams without a life partner. This has certainly helped me come to terms with my reality. But I still maintain that it's hard to undo what was ingrained in you for the most formative 18 years of your existence. I thought that the older I got, the smaller my pool was, and the less likely I was to find someone.

But I think I'm finally really starting to embrace the idea that my pool is as big as it ever has been. And maybe even bigger. I can go younger or older. Without feeling a need to rush to find a provider to take care of me, I'm left to seek out the qualities I really want. It's okay for me to take my time to find that person I can really connect with, who makes me laugh, who loves me unconditionally, with whom I have off-the-charts physical chemistry.

I know better than to think “this is it” after just a couple of blissful months with my younger guy. I could see myself with him in the long term—he has all of the qualities I mentioned above and more. But I could also eventually end up with an older guy. Or someone in between.

The point is: my options have not become limited by my age. I may be taking much longer to find my husband than the women I knew growing up, but it's not because there's something wrong with me. Times have changed and it's exciting to be a part of it. I have the freedom to explore my interests and become okay with who I am independent of any other person. At the same time, I have fantastic options for who I ultimately want to spend the rest of my life with. These options are not always apparent, there's certainly a lot of luck involved, but there is no such thing as a deadline.

Let me just say a quick thanks to all of you for reading and sharing your comments and feedback. Thanks also to Shelby and A for all their insights. I haven't heard from either in awhile, but I hope they're both doing well. I'm sorry to take away their posting privileges, but it's time for this blog to end.

Best of luck to all of you. Couldn't we all use some? ;)

Hello again fellow bloggers, I figure Id post something that came from a Dallas SA rep on facebook. It sparked some interesting comments so I thought I share.

"Facebook ladys name" is disappointed. Ladies... please be kind when dating a GOOD man. Don't take them for granted & if u decide u need to move on, do it with much compassion. Think about how 2 say things, & be sensitive in ur dealings w/ mutual friends. SHAME ON YOU if u aren't compassionate when the only fault they have is 4 loving u when u don't love them back.


AGB aka Shelby

Moving on...and why

by SS

I wrote parts of this in my journal quite awhile back. Finally getting around to putting it on the blog. :)

Tonight I enjoyed a lovely farewell dinner with friends. For a few moments during our meal, I stepped outside of myself in nostalgia. It was as though the future me was looking back and remembering fondly this last night with dear friends before heading out for good. . . .That had been the end. So tangible. Beginnings and endings are rarely tangible. Something begins and you hardly notice it till you're in the midst of it. Something ends, but you don't notice until it's already gone. But in that very moment, I had felt the end as it was happening. I smiled at the memory before returning to the present.

My position overseas is not temporary nor would I ever intend or hope it to be. This is not my next "adventure." This is what I've wanted for almost as long as I can remember.

My parents moved us abroad when I was in my early teens. It was the most tragic thing that could ever happen to a teenager. What about my friends? They were my entire world. What about driving and dating and proms and graduation and all the other things that every American teenager is supposed to enjoy? Instead, my family was moving to some stupid country that I'd barely even heard of and whose language I did not speak. Not only that, but it was to a fairly small town with no American school. I was positively convinced that it was going to ruin my life. I had never cried as much as I did on that long series of flights to our new home.

And then we landed. I will never forget that feeling. That feeling of getting my young, immature, and overdramatic life rocked. I wanted to be so mad. Indeed, I did hold on to my anger for quite some time. Probably just to spite my parents like the angsty teenager I was. But honestly, it was love at first sight. And my life has never been the same since.

I realized I could I think more clearly in a foreign environment. I could feel more deeply.

My teenage emotions were all over the place, but I had never felt more alive in my entire life. I started to love the challenge of trying to insert myself into my new culture and language. As a silly young teenager, I daydreamed about falling in love with one of the locals and becoming that culture. I loved finding myself in a new language. I loved finding new words and phrases to express my emotions―new ways of feeling and thinking about things. I loved finding a new me. Well, maybe not entirely new. Just more aware. More alive.

I eventually moved back to the US for college, but tried to continue that life as much as I was able. I've now lived in multiple countries and am fairly comfortable in several languages. This is because when I go live or travel in a country for awhile, I don't just go to see the sights or “say I've been there.” I want to become the county and its people―or at least as much as is feasible given the amount of time I have there.

I am not one to view being "well-traveled" as a badge of honor. Bragging about stamps in my passport is not my style. I don't go out and try to rack up as many countries as I can. There are a few countries in particular that I find myself traveling to over and over again because I have, in a sense, become part of them. I don't care as much about jetting off to see someplace new. I care about jetting off to reconnect with a part of myself. And even when I do travel to a new country, I don't care about seeing all the main sites and getting my picture taken in front of them so I can bring back evidence. I would be content to spend days on end sitting in cafes, chatting it up with locals (however broken my version of their language may be), and people watching. Soaking in all the different ways there are to think, to feel, to live.

After all, what better way to really know what's inside yourself but to strip away all the externals that you're used to? Take away all your familiar surroundings, people, language, food, behaviors and what is left? Just you. How will you connect with another human being when words are difficult if not impossible to find? How will you live your day to day life when even the simplest tasks of procuring food or traveling from point A to point B become significantly more complicated?

Up till now this is a life I've only been able to embrace on somewhat temporary occasions―a mission, study abroads, vacations. Now it will be mine to live out forever. I know it won't be perfect. I know it will be very hard at times. I often think that by following this path I have traded in any chance I may have had of ever getting married. I guess we have more control over some dreams than others.

I don't know if I've made the right choice yet. I only know that I feel more alive.

Irritation you have all been there

by AGB


Well fellow bloggers, I hit some snags in my wonderful new way of life. It cant all be rainbows and fuzzy animals can it? I figured since I was up and not doing anything I would share with you my frustrations at the dating life.

Recently I got the Activity card played on me. Not just once but a couple of times. You know your a great guy but your not active enough for me card. I have severe asthma, I don't do a lot of strenuous activities like bike rides and running. I really dont want to fall over dead from an asthma attack, I take care of my self to insure I don't. Ive been in ICU more times than I like to count though out my life, and am alive today because of prayer and fasting. With that said it hits a little hard to be told, I dont like you because you dont jog/bike ride/boat. I wouldn't feel insulted if these girls were full bore athletes. I have several friends that run in marathons, triathlons, you name it. Those women I would never be compatible with because honestly we are too far different, I couldn't keep up. What frustrate me the most is that they really are not all that active themselves. Its like I am in high school again and all the ladies are after the jocks. FRUSTRATING

Tonight I just got called by one of my brothers. He had seen I had commented on a picture of an old time friend. He wanted to know what was the scoop with her. This wouldnt be bad except he never calls me to see how I am doing. In fact its been months since I had last heard from him yet my dating life is his primary concern. Any single person can tell you there are a few questions of death some one can ask. The ones where you want to just chew through metal because it hits a huge sore spot yet you know they are just being concerned. I never know how to properly respond to these questions. Tonight I just told my brother the truth, she just a friend will never be anything more. Not because of me but because she just not interested. Awkward silence ensued and in 3 minutes I was off the phone. Thanks bro I needed a reminder I am still single.


as a side note there is something positive. A good friend of mine introduced me to a really nice single mother. We are in the talking stage right now. I have high hopes on this one. I am trying not to get to excited because we haven't gone on a date. Its all still in the beginning. Will she throw me into the dating pool or the never escaping friend zone? I dont know I can only keep trying and being happy.

AGB - Its beautiful day

By AGB aka Shelby

Hello again fellow bloggers. I asked SS to allow me to write my exploits on my continued quest to find that perfect lady. I have to say I have made a break through. No I’m not married nor am I in a relationship. I have arrived at some simple truths. These may be clichéd but they work.

First let me tell you about the negative so you understand the positive. I am one of those people that have put my self-esteem on being able to be married. At 34 that looks pretty grim. Ive felt horrible, looked horrible. Mr Unhappy man was my middle name! Depression was second only to loneliness in my world. Boy did it show. I was wrought with worry and hoping beyond hoping that Id meet that special someone. It was on my every thought. It was in my every deed. It was carried over to everything. In fact it has kept me from blogging here because I was soooo negative. I was desperate.

But a few months ago I remembered a scripture I learned in seminary. “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” (proverbs 3:5) I decided to apply that scripture and put it on the lord to find someone and lean not to my own understanding. This has made me free to not hurt so bad and let happen what will happen. When I talk to a lady now, I’m more relaxed. I’m not stressing over does she like me? Is she into me?

Happiness begins where one ends. I have taken a new outlook. I am gonna be happy no matter what. This fellow bloggers is hard, really hard to do. “Think bad thoughts is really the easiest thing in the world. If you leave your mind to itself it will spiral down into ever increasing unhappiness. To think good thoughts, however, requires effort. This is one of the things that discipline - training - is about. (James Clavell, in his novel "Shogun") This is a key piece to the puzzle. When you are happy then it shows. Bloggers make this a commitment.

Now my success, I have had more dates this past month than I have in the last 4 years. Honestly they have been bad dates (im out of practice!). I do know though that it doesn’t matter because 1 the lord knows my heart and 2 no matter what I am happy. I hope everyone can do these few things!

Dreams

by SS

Yeah, it's been awhile. A lot has been going in my life—some good, some not so good. Lately I've made some rather unpleasant realizations about myself. I think I've avoided blogging so I can pretend they're not true. Writing stuff down makes it more real. It makes you responsible for it. And I'm not sure if I'm ready for that yet. But here goes. In part at least.

Awhile back I railed on girls who resist pursuing their dreams because they're waiting on a man.

But I've recently realized that I am one of those girls.

Yes, I'm a hypocrite. I've been so busy accusing others of something that I couldn't see that I was doing it myself.

See, my family moved overseas when I was young. Ever since that time I had imagined a certain life for myself. I dreamt that someday I would live overseas with my own family. We'd move from country to country every few years. We'd pick up languages, friends, and experiences along the way.

As I got a little older, however, I realized that finding a guy who wanted this same life path significantly narrowed my choices. Certainly it was never impossible. I've met a number of married couples over the years who are living out this dream together. But it did sort of put a damper on things when I'd be out with a guy and discover that he had no intention of ever living outside the United States. Or even worse—he wanted to settle down and live out the rest of his life in the same town or city.

But I tried not to let it get to me too much. I told myself this didn't have to be a dealbreaker. With the right man, I could be happy living here for the rest of my life.

While I mostly still believe this to be true, at what point do you realize—really realize—that it just may not happen? At what point do you discover that you can't wait around any longer? When do you accept that you are the only one responsible for making your dreams happen? Most of all, when do you realize that you have put your dreams on hold for a man? A man that does not yet exist.

It was probably so easy for me to spot other girls doing this because somewhere deep down, I knew I was doing it myself. I tricked myself into believing that I wasn't one of those girls—I have a good career, I do lots of fun stuff, I'm not bitter and depressed, blah blah blah.

Whatever. With a bit more clarity now I look back and realize that I was waiting. I was holding out. While I have no qualms about traveling overseas by myself, moving overseas seemed to be a whole different ball game. I didn't think I could pursue my dream alone. In fact, I was terrified of going it alone.

I hadn't realized any of this a few months ago when I finally buckled down and applied for my dream overseas job. Mostly I was just having a bad day and did it on a whim. It wasn't until I was offered and accepted the job that I realized all this. Only then did I feel this happiness, fulfillment, and exhilaration that I hadn't felt in a very long time.

It's ridiculous. It's embarrassing. It's taken me 6 YEARS of being an adult member of the workforce to get myself on the career path which I now realize is the only one I've ever truly wanted. I was content with my previous job. But it was not my dream. It was not what I ultimately imagined for myself. It did not make me tingle with excitement. And it's stunning to look back and realize that the main thing holding me back all this time has been fear of doing it alone.

But now I'm doing it. I'm leaving in less than a month. Yes, I'm a little fearful of the unknown. But mostly I feel incredibly lucky.

Would I rather not do this alone? Of course. But I am finally going to live my longest-held dream. No more “good enough.” No more complacency. No more waiting.

My dream is happening. And I am thrilled!

Spam Collecting

by SS

That's pretty much all my blog does these days. A few times a week I get a notification about a new anonymous comment providing a link to something I'm afraid to click for fear it will destroy my computer.

I think it's funny when bloggers spend half a post apologizing for slacking off on their blog. Really, it's okay. We don't wake up every morning hoping to find a new post from you. Okay, maybe sometimes. . . :)

The truth is, I haven't had much fodder which fits into the context of this blog. It makes me sad because I really enjoy blogging. Unfortunately, however, I find myself confined to a topic that isn't always the most interesting. I mean, really, how much can one say about being single? Funny dates, religious peculiarities, societal norms, personality quirks, blah blah blah. Yeah, me and every other single person.

Sometimes I think I should start a real blog with my real name about real stuff that I really care about. But I think I like anonymity too much. Also, I'm lazy.

I miss the dialogue here and am genuinely hoping that I'll feel inspired to write again soon. But, as I've said before in connection with dating—if I'm not feeling it, I'm not feeling it. And I don't want to force anything.

I guess that's it. I miss you. I'll be back when I have something I really feel like I writing.


PS As for A, I'm not sure what happened to him. Maybe he got bored, too. A, you know that you can share stories and stuff even if I don't, right? ;)