...She smelled like soup...

By A

I'm waiting to see what happens with Hide and Seek Girl (HSG), to keep with the nomenclature SS has going here on her blog. In the meantime, I am very bored at work today so I figured I'd do a little blogging. I gotta admit, I kind of feel like a girl doing this, but I also have to admit it's kind of fun, so I'll get past the girlie feelings. Anyway, HSG is currently doing her hiding routine after some pretty good seeking yesterday. It's all good, I'm good at the game, as I mentioned before. Since I don't want to bore you to death, I will regale you with stories of past loves lost. If you recognize the headline and know what movie it's from - we can be friends. If you don't, perhaps you're familiar with Chandler from "Friends," or Jerry from "Seinfeld" and how they were VERY particular about their women having any idiosyncrasies. Jerry broke up with a woman for eating peas off a knife, for example. Chandler broke up with a girl for having a large head. The point is, sometimes we break up with people for the DUMBEST reasons. I try very hard to not be like that, as I'm aware that I am not the easiest person in the world to hang out with for very long. I won't go into my idiosyncrasies, but I'm sure they're annoying to some, if not many, women I've gone out with.

HOWEVER, sometimes, it just gets to be too much. Case in point: Cute Honda Girl (named for being really cute - sexy even and having an unnatural affinity for Honda cars - not her idiosyncrasy, however.) CHG and I hit it off pretty much immediately. There was a definite physical spark, which for me is a must have and we had it, from the get-go. Then...I went to her house. I think calling it a pig sty would be an affront to pigs and I was a little grossed out. There were spills that had been out so long they didn't even resemble the original food anymore. There was a mess on the carpet that I think had been there since Adam (still not sure to this day what it was). And there was dirty laundry and boxes and crap EVERYWHERE (and no, she hadn't just moved in.) I can't give her too much crap about the laundry, as mine sits on my bed for days, but the spills and the stuff on the carpet...ugh. We basically had to clear a spot to even be able to make out! Yes, I make the small sacrifices, it's true but I still left that night thinking I was done with her. Buuuuuut, I thought about it and said to myself, "Maybe she's just having an off day, let's give her another chance, she's really cute." Done. We made a date for lunch and she picked me up at my office. Her car looked like she lived in it...let that sink in for a second...yeah, that bad. She had excuses for the junk, and I bought it - YES, she was that cute! I'm telling you. At least she had good taste in lunch locations so I wasn't completely turned off that time.

Moving on, I decide it's time for another adventure to her house. You know where this is going. Uh-huh! It was the same, NO CHANGE IN A WEEK! I shudder to think how long that spilled food had been out in the kitchen and the same mess was still on the carpet. She had a vacuum, I saw it! I was flabbergasted...I still made out with her (please see definition of her nickname). Then the kicker, she added me as a FB friend and I went through her pictures and there it was...the requisite driving down the road self-portrait from a good year earlier - same car - same mess in the back seat. It was over, the girl was a slob. I personally think I was only fair in the chances I gave her. I still think back fondly on our make-outs and dates NOT at her house or in her car, but then those images sneak into my mind and I puke a little in my mouth. I believe everyone deserves a second chance, and in this case I made the right decision to bail after the second and third chances. I told her I just wasn't feeling the connection, when in fact I was feeling nauseous. I couldn't be So mean as to tell her she was a slob, but I couldn't stick around either. She moved right on to another guy, as far as I know, so I don't feel too bad about it.

Yes, these are the girls that I date...

A few words about the DTR*

by SS

I know sometimes it's necessary. Games can get so out of hand that one side or both sides no longer have a clue about the other's intentions. One side may be moving away (or contemplating a move) and it becomes necessary to determine if the relationship should continue. One side or both sides may have concerns about the degree of physicality of the relationship without a certain level of commitment.

Those are pretty much the only reasons I can think of, though. Other than that, they should be off limits.

Probably sounds pretty ironic coming from me, I know. I mean, here I have this whole blog dedicated to analyzing guys, relationships, and myself.

Hey, I analyze things. It's what I do.

But for some reason I've always felt a bit uncomfortable analyzing my relationship with another person with that person himself. It seems to take something away from the beauty of the relationship. Some of the fun, some of the lightheartedness, some of the joy.

Awhile back I found this gem of a line in Khaled Hosseini's “A Thousand Splendid Suns” that struck me with its beautiful simplicity. And it helped me understand why the DTR can be so uncomfortable. “Boys, Laila came to see, treated friendship the way they treated the sun: its existence undisputed; its radiance best enjoyed, not beheld directly.”

That's it. I love the feeling of warm sunshine on my skin. I could play out in the sun all day. But I definitely don't want to stare at the sun or analyze why it's keeping me warm.

*Mo-speak for the awkward “Define the Relationship” talk.

Greetings from the Guy's perspective

The lovely purveyor of this very entertaining blog has been gracious enough to let me play around on it a little bit. And BTW, not to be too flattering, but any of the East Coast LDS guys that aren't lining up to date this girl are idiots. But maybe it's her fault since she seems to dump the nice guys ;-) I guess I'm always kind of amazed at the career girls who can't find a good guy??? I'm a huge proponent of women expanding their horizons, realizing their dreams, fulfilling their destiny, developing their talents, whatever. I think it makes for a much more well-rounded individual and someone a lot more interesting to be with. Anyway, thanks for letting me hang out and contribute a little, it saves me the hassle of making my own blog and trying to get as many adoring fans as you already have.

I guess my job will be to give the guy's perspective on dating in this cruel, cruel world of ours. I'm a little older than most on here I would guess and I have been married before. It does kind of provide a different point of view as being back in the dating scene after being married for a little while just adds a whole new set of challenges (Read: Baggage) into the mix. I am LDS, whether I'm as active or not as some of you isn't really the issue, I pretty much only date LDS women, so there are those nuances to consider. I've tried dating women who aren't LDS and it's too much of a hassle dealing with such varying viewpoints on things I think are vital to a successful relationship.

I like dating and I do quite a bit of it. I think that might be because I've already been married once and I don't want to make another mistake, so I realize I need to date a lot. It's made for some interesting events in my life, for sure! I've been fine-tuning my dating age limits and I'm currently at 28-40 and I do fall somewhere in the middle there. I'm not averse to dating older women, and I don't have any problem dating younger women - I'm much more concerned about the connection. I'm like "stillsingle" in that, if there is no spark (or semblance of a spark), it doesn't happen long term, no matter how attractive a woman might be, regardless of age. I'm not against dating (hanging out with, whatever) several women at the same time, but I will NOT make out with multiple women at the same time - and those of you with naughty minds, I don't mean literally at the same time in the same place, I mean if I'm in a physical relationship with one woman, the others I might be going out with, get no action on our dates. There's a whole weird dynamic to be discussed there, but I don't want to give away everything on the first day. I want to be a long term contributor. :-)

I'm pretty adept at the games people play while dating. I think they're necessary to a point. Without a little bit of playing around, it gets boring fast. I know, I know, all the nice girls out there are thinking, "I don't play games, I hate playing games!!!" Well, I think they're necessary to a point. Not to the point of being a player or being mean, but to the point of keeping interest high. For instance, the woman I'm currently pursuing is very good at the game of hide and seek. This is where a woman is available sometimes, and not others. She texts and calls sometimes and others she disappears. She plays interested and then disinterested. And being completely truthful, it is HOT. Is she dating other guys? Maybe - I don't imagine a woman this attractive is sitting at home at night very often. Is she busy? Of course she is, she has a career. Whatever the excuse - Is she good at keeping me interested? OBVIOUSLY. What is the difference with playing this little game and what most women I go out with do? Most women, get attached FIRST DATE!!! Are you kidding me? Yeah, the constant email, phone calls, texts, IMs, FB messages, etc get SO old SO fast and that leads to no more dates. Kind of contrary to what you think should happen, but it's the truth.

Ladies, guys like the chase! Let them chase you a little bit. Don't be 100% available and definitely don't start planning your future family after so little personal interaction. And like it or not, this is a game. It's fun, it's interesting, it's what you need to do to keep things going at first. YES, the dynamic does change somewhat as you get into a longer-term relationship, however at first - don't be afraid to play the game a little! If the guy is into you, he'll play along. If he's not, you don't care anyway, and why would you waste time on him??? Anyway, I'll track this woman I'm pursuing on here a little, but I have a feeling it's going to be a long pursuit. And in case it gets slow sometimes, I'll fill you in on some other adventures as we go along.

It's too bad "stillsingle" and I don't live closer together, we could totally go out and then critique each other on here to see where we do well and where we can improve, now that would be entertaining - and a great idea!!! Maybe I'll start a service - "Third-wheel Dating Consulting" I'll come along with you on your dates, analyze your electronic interaction, interview you between dates to see what the stress level is over the individual you're dating, etc. and then help you prepare for the next steps, whether that be continued dating, breaking up, bootie calls, whatever. I could make millions!!! :-D

I fully realize this first post is all over the place, but really how many of us are perfectly focused on how dating should go? Discussing it isn't any more direct, that's why it's fun. Hope I can be a positive contributor to this blog - if "stillsingle" hates me after too long, she can always pull the plug. :-)

Introducing. . .

So, funny story. One of my single guy readers shot me an email last week. Then um, I kinda stalked him on facebook. I thought he looked pretty hot. So yeah—eek—I friended him. Which means now he knows who I am—the only person who knows my true identity! I was scared. But I did it. Because he was cute. (Oh wait, did I mention that part already? ;))

So, after several messages back and forth, he has agreed to be a contributor on my blog! See where it says “contributors” over on the right? That “anonymous” is him. And now I'm turning him loose to do as he pleases. Uh, with my blog, I mean.

I'm free!!

JAF and I are totally gonna make it!

Tonight he had a first date with a girl he'd been chatting with online. He was really excited/nervous about it all day.

Afterwards he texted me saying it went "really well." Even added a smiley face.

Sometimes I hate that guys can be so resilient. But other times—like tonight—I love it!

Come to think of it. . .

Why exactly is it so distressing for a guy to shamelessly stare at my chest? I mean, we can all agree it's wrong, right? Even the guys were bashing this douchebag. It's creepy.

But the thing is, I kinda like it when I catch a hot guy checking me out in a very subtle way. Key word: subtle. Like when he does it so quickly and discreetly that I almost don't even see it. Especially when he doesn't notice that I caught him. I mean, it's nice to feel attractive.

But such a fine line, isn't it?

How to Ruin a First Impression

Today I met a new guy at work. I had first noticed him from a bit of a distance—he seemed to be a pretty attractive guy. Eventually he came over and introduced himself.

We shook hands.

His gaze went downwards.

And did not come back up again for about 3 very uncomfortable seconds.

Three seconds is a loooonnnggg time for someone to be blatantly staring at your chest. Seriously, count it out. 1. 2. 3. Ugh.

Yeah, I wanted nothing to do with his flirty repartee. I was done.

Brilliant

One of my readers just wrote a fabulous post à la Carrie Bradshaw in which she compares men to food. Go check it out here!

Flowers

So I went back to read all the comments on the Jake/Andrea story and remembered something. In my last post I mentioned that several years ago I had also been dumped for being “too good.” I hadn't thought about it in a long time, but just today I went back and tried to remember how the dumping had actually played out.

And then I started laughing. You know how Jake got Andrea flowers the night he dumped her? Yeah, my guy did the same thing! A beautiful mix including 2 fantastic stargazer lilies. I can't believe I had forgotten about this. And this was after taking me out to a nice dinner.

Guys, save your money! Flowers and dinner do not soften the blow.

Oh, and then we still ended up having random make-outs for the next 3 months or so until he—thankfully—moved away. Ugh, why did I let him get away with that?

Oh yeah, I'm human. And he was an awesome kisser.

Do me a favor

The blog is getting almost 1000 hits every week now, but I still have no idea who most of you are. Please take 2 seconds to take the poll in the upper righthand corner. I want to know who you are! :) Thanks!

Listen up, guys.

Have any of you been following the Jake/Andrea story over at Mormon Bachelor Pad? If not, you can go read about the break up here. Too lazy for that? Basically, Jake dumped this beautiful and amazing girl because he felt like she was “too good” for him.

In the beginning I thought it was a sweet story because you could tell that Jake really cared about Andrea. But apparently not enough to tell her the truth in the end.

Does anyone really believe that someone would break up with someone else because they felt the other person was “too good” for them? I totally don't buy it. I would believe it if the guy said she was just too Molly and he liked to have more fun. I think that's a valid reason. But not being too good for someone else. (Plus it kind of quashes my theory about wanting the best that we can get. Psh.)

Basically, Jake decided he was done with Andrea for whatever reason and then felt guilty about it because he knows she's such a catch. So, maybe even subconsciously, he came up with this bit about her being too good for him.

Problem is, he's not the first guy to come up with that story. Yes, even yours truly has been dumped for being “too good” for someone else. What really sucked is that I actually believed him at the time. And it kinda started giving me a complex for awhile about being “too good.” I wonder how many of my female readers have experienced something similar.

(And, just to clarify, this wasn't “too good” in the Molly Mormon sense. I have nothing against Mollies, but I have never been one and never will be. Rather, he said he felt I was too smart, too together, too ambitious. All crap because I'm really not that much of any of those things, but whatever.)

Anyways, I started thinking that no guy would ever want me unless I became less of who I was. I've come a long way since then—this was over 5 years ago. I have been able to find plenty of guys that are all about who I am. But I can't deny that the experience still taints me a little. Makes me a little more pessimistic. Makes me a little less trusting. Just makes it that much harder for the next guy.

So guys, help each other out. Don't you see? You have to tell us the truth. You have to tell yourselves the truth. We'd rather hear that you met someone else or that you just realized you weren't ready to commit or that you just got bored or even that you just realized we're not what you want than hear that we're “too good.” That just gives us a complex. Which is a lose-lose all around.

Some answers

I sort of had a little epiphany today. But I'll blog about that tomorrow.

Everyone seems to be pretty opinionated about the JAF situation. I think it makes for an interesting discussion because pretty much all of us have been at one end or the other at least once in our lives.

Here are my answers to some of the questions you guys threw out at me. (Although most of your questions weren't really in question form, but you know.)

Am I being superficial?

It's not that my friend's not attractive. He is an attractive guy. It's just that there's no spark there for me. Plain and simple. I really don't know how else to describe it. It not that he has some glaring (or even minor) defect that I just can't see past. There is just no chemistry.

I've had chemistry in my past relationships. Once you've had it, can you really settle for anything less? It's real, people.

But if you've been such good friends for so long, doesn't that mean you're already compatible?

Lack of chemistry is the primary reason I will not date JAF. It's not because I have some checklist and he doesn't fit the bill.

To answer the question, yes, there is some degree of compatibility. This is obviously true for all of my friends, male or female! This doesn't mean I want to date them.

I know JAF and I have a lot to talk about and have a good time when we're together. But we also have some fundamental differences that would matter if we were to start our lives together. And I'm not talking about hobbies, people. I don't understand why he's so into football. He likes some nerdy movies/tv shows which put me to sleep every time. But who cares?

I'm talking about the way we want to live out our lives, what's fundamentally most important to us. We differ in a number of areas that are very important to me. The specifics are kind of personal, but if someone would really like to know what I'm talking about, I can try to clarify in another post.

But once again, a physical relationship is important! I want to be attracted to my partner. I do not think that is too much to ask. I am not unrealistically picky in this regard. I am and have been attracted to many guys. Just not him.

Will I regret it if I don't take the chance and end up alone later?

Okay, I've decided this issue deserves its whole separate post. Or two or three. For now I'll just say that while I can't predict the future, most likely the answer to this question for me is no. I know it won't be the same for everyone. For me, I'd rather be alone and wondering what if I had tried vs. being in a relationship and wondering what if I had held out.

Shouldn't I just give him a chance, see what comes of it?

If I haven't felt it these past 2 years, and this includes much alone time together, I'm pretty damn sure that I'm not going to start feeling it now. We've even done some things together that could be considered “romantic.” Didn't feel a thing.

Clearing things up

I appreciated all the comments on the last 2 posts. You've given me some stuff to think about.

I'm planning on forming a more coherent response to your comments and adding a few more thoughts. But that will have to wait for a work day that lasts less than 15 hours. Today was not that day.

I am, however, going to share the text exchange that took place tonight between my guy friend—who will now be acronym'd with JAF for "Just a Friend," and me—SS for "Still Single." Love my acronyms.

JAF: I will [do a certain task that you weren't looking forward to doing] for you, if...you agree to go on a date with me :)

SS: JAF, you're very sweet and you know I enjoy spending time with you but not as a “date.” I thought we discussed this? :(

JAF: I know you're not ready for anything serious. But why not keep hanging out and see if anything comes of the little crushes that we've had on one another?

SS: I've been strung along by guy friends hoping something would happen that never did. It sucks. I don't wanna put you through that so I have to be clear...We're not going to date. I'm sorry, JAF.

JAF: Alright that's clear enough, SS. I had to try...

SS: Thank you for understanding. I hope this doesn't change our friendship because you're one of my closest friends.

JAF: Over the past few weeks I started to develop more feelings for you. I had to find out if there was anything on your end. I walked away two week ago thinking there could be a possibility...but this makes it clear and I'm not going to push it.

SS: I'm really sorry for not being clear then. :(

JAF: What I got hung up on was your revelation that, in the past, you were attracted.
But I'm glad it's cleared up. You're one of my closest friends and I certainly don't want that to change.

SS: I can see how I was confusing. I'm sorry. Things have changed, but I'm glad you still wanna be friends.

JAF: It was never a zero sum game for me...we were friends from the start and that's the way it'll stay!


I now leave you to bash me/give me props as you will. Enjoy your weekend!