by SS
I'm running off to someplace warmer for the next several days and don't know if I'll be blogging for the next week or so. I wanted to leave you with a little something to think about while you're enjoying your turkey.
A commenter on this post mentioned that she's frustrated because guys only ever seem to notice how smart she is. Most of them don't take the time to notice any another facet of who she is. The commenter also noted that she has a friend who only seems to get noticed for her attractive physical appearance. This friend is equally frustrated because guys never seem to notice anything else about her.
So here's my question: what do you wish the opposite sex would notice about you? For the marrieds, what unique things did your spouse notice about you that really made a difference?
I'll post my answer, too, but probably not till next week sometime.
In the meantime, enjoy your holiday!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Hide and Seek
by A
So, on to Hide and Seek. Hide and Seek Girl (HSG) is an extremely physically-attractive woman. I mention that first because, like it or not ladies, men are visual creatures. The first indication of attraction is almost always physical for us. I don't date a woman I'm not physically attracted to, it doesn't matter how intelligent or witty or sweet she is. I know you'll all hate that, I know it seems shallow, but really, who wants to spend eternity with someone they don't like looking at? BUT, physical attraction is NOT the only thing for me - not even close. If a very hot woman can't carry her end of a conversation on even the simplest of subjects - it's not happening with me! (and I've broken up with a couple of girls over this, so I'm not just blowing smoke up your collective skirts). I also, don't need a woman to be a model, physically. I would prove it to you with pictures, but of course that wouldn't work too well on an anonymous blog.
Anyway, a while back I met this woman. Frankly, I thought she was probably out of my league, based on her looks - she is model-quality, no doubt! She is stunningly beautiful. I went and talked to her anyway, as I'm not afraid to talk to new people, not even attractive women. It seemed that we hit it off really well. She's a very nice woman, a great mom, college educated, active in a lot of causes, has a great job, and is a generally well-rounded individual. I liked her - there was a lot to like. So, I asked her out and we went to lunch. I think lunch dates are the best choice for first dates just to make sure you want to really spend any time together. Dinner dates seem more formal, though I know they don't have to be, it just kind of seems that way to me. The lunch went well, we talked the whole time, had some good food, and made plans to see each other again. I was pretty happy about it all.
When it came time for our second date...she canceled. I hadn't had this happen in quite some time, but she had a seemingly acceptable excuse, so it's all good, and she said she'd make it up to me soon. In an attempt to secure a second date, I would call her every now and again, text her sometimes, and at times she was responsive and others she wasn't (thus the nickname for her) but I don't like to put too much pressure on women to go out with me; if they want to they will, if they don't they won't and I'm fine either way. So, I asked her out again but we never seemed to get the timing right. We ran into each other a couple of times and we always had plenty to talk about and it seemed like we were pretty connected, I thought. This kind of sounds like this was going on over a very long timeframe, but really it was like a month, maybe 5-6 weeks, something like that.
Anyway, skipping forward, we were supposed to hang out one night and again she had something else come up. This time, the red flags were waving at full mast, and I was pretty over it given the hot and cold calling and texting activity from her. I decided to try one more text just to see what response I would get. I got a response and it was VERY strange. I don't want to post the content, because for all I know she reads this blog and would immediately recognize it...or maybe not - because I'm 100% convinced it wasn't her replying. It was one of her friends messing with me for sure. I played along for a bit and then called her on it, at which point the texts stopped. I replied one more time with a :-) and that was it! Nothing more from her in over a week.
This episode reminded me of a question one of SS's readers posed a while back about how do you know when the chase game is over (or non-existant) and the other person just isn't interested. I honestly don't know. It felt like I gave HSG too many chances, and I don't think she was ever interested anyway, just being "nice". So, I asked a girl that I trust what she thought about how many attempts without a date is a sure sign of disinterest from a woman. She said 3. 3 attempts from a guy with no date is a certain indicator that the woman is not interested. Let's just say I went over that with HSG in a 5-6 week period. Lesson learned? I guess so, though I don't normally believe in hard and fast rules about contacting a woman for a date, or between dates, or whatever. Still, I think the 3 strikes rule is a good one. Any more than that and I think it starts to look and feel a little desperate.
So, HSG goes the way of the vast majority of women I date...or try to date as the case may be. Too bad, we would have had gorgeous children.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Because I hate dating.
by SS
Probably because I suck at it.
Don't be fooled by A's glowing review of me. I'm sure most of you have figured this out after reading my blog, but there are reasons I'm still single. While I don't believe that dating quirks necessarily keep a person single, they obviously can making finding someone a bit more challenging.
So yeah, I hate dating. I know—I'm not alone in this. But I hate it for different reasons than a lot of people. For me, it's not so much the games and stuff. It's not even the possibility of rejection. I can handle all of that pretty well.
Mostly it's just the being one-on-one with a person I'm not totally comfortable with yet. This is true whether I'm with a guy or a girl. I don't like being one-on-one! (Unless I know you pretty well.)
I'm naturally pretty shy and feel downright awkward when I'm alone with someone new. I get nervous. I feel like I'm going to run out of things to say. I'm afraid that I won't be interesting. I worry that I'll have nothing in common with the other person.
And so I usually try to avoid dating unless I already really like the person. I know part of the point of dating is getting to know someone, trying to figure out if you could like them. But for me, I'd rather just cut that stress out of my life. Given a choice, I'd hang out with old friends with whom I'm guaranteed to have a good time rather than take the chance of going on a one-on-one date with someone new.
Almost 4 years ago I started keeping a dating journal. I basically started recording anything that had to do with my love life (or lack thereof). I recorded dates I went on, guys I was interested in (whether I ended up going out with them or not), and guys that were showing interest in me.
One night, a little over 2 years ago, something struck me as I was writing. I started going over all my entries from the previous 2 years. You know what I learned?
I only go out with about 30% of the guys that ask me out. There was this one 3-month period in particular where I had turned down every single guy that had asked me out.
This is not me being stuck up. This is not me being picky.
This is me not wanting to be alone with guys I don't know very well. This is me wanting to do something besides go on a date.
Every now and then I snap out of this. I talk myself into getting out of my comfort zone. (See BSDB, for example.) But most of the time, if there's not an instant spark, I'm not even going to go on one date with a guy. Unless the guy is totally creepy, most girls will at least give a guy one date. After all, it's a free meal, right?
Not me. I will turn you down if I don't want to go. I'll do my best to be nice about it, but you won't get the token date from me.
And, not only do I throw away a large number of dating opportunities, but I also suck at sending the appropriate signals. A boyfriend once told me that if he hadn't been so into me and determined to win me over, he would've given up long before he ever became my boyfriend. He said I seemed distant and wasn't reciprocating anything. As far as he could tell, I wasn't into him at all.
This was shocking to me. Especially because I had been so into this guy from the moment I met him. To this day, I still remember the exact place where I first saw him.
Then there was this other guy that I had been out with several times. After one of our dates he just stopped calling me. I was totally confused because I was digging him and it really seemed like he reciprocated. I was really sad, but finally just decided that I had misjudged his feelings.
I didn't run into him until a few weeks later. He started getting all flirty with me so I had to ask him what was up. Why had he never called me again? You'll never guess what he said. He told me that on the night of our last date he had been planning on having the DTR. He had been planning on going exclusive! But he said that every time he tried to put his arm around me or get serious for a moment, I pulled away. So he decided I wasn't that into him and pulled away himself. I was shocked. I honestly had no clue.
By that time things had pretty much fizzled so it never went anywhere. But the whole thing was very upsetting. What's even stranger about all this is that I'm really a physical person.
I don't know what happens to me with guys sometimes. But I turn into a total dork. Apparently it will take a very patient man to pin me down. But I don't do this on purpose. I just know I need to cut it out.
Probably because I suck at it.
Don't be fooled by A's glowing review of me. I'm sure most of you have figured this out after reading my blog, but there are reasons I'm still single. While I don't believe that dating quirks necessarily keep a person single, they obviously can making finding someone a bit more challenging.
So yeah, I hate dating. I know—I'm not alone in this. But I hate it for different reasons than a lot of people. For me, it's not so much the games and stuff. It's not even the possibility of rejection. I can handle all of that pretty well.
Mostly it's just the being one-on-one with a person I'm not totally comfortable with yet. This is true whether I'm with a guy or a girl. I don't like being one-on-one! (Unless I know you pretty well.)
I'm naturally pretty shy and feel downright awkward when I'm alone with someone new. I get nervous. I feel like I'm going to run out of things to say. I'm afraid that I won't be interesting. I worry that I'll have nothing in common with the other person.
And so I usually try to avoid dating unless I already really like the person. I know part of the point of dating is getting to know someone, trying to figure out if you could like them. But for me, I'd rather just cut that stress out of my life. Given a choice, I'd hang out with old friends with whom I'm guaranteed to have a good time rather than take the chance of going on a one-on-one date with someone new.
Almost 4 years ago I started keeping a dating journal. I basically started recording anything that had to do with my love life (or lack thereof). I recorded dates I went on, guys I was interested in (whether I ended up going out with them or not), and guys that were showing interest in me.
One night, a little over 2 years ago, something struck me as I was writing. I started going over all my entries from the previous 2 years. You know what I learned?
I only go out with about 30% of the guys that ask me out. There was this one 3-month period in particular where I had turned down every single guy that had asked me out.
This is not me being stuck up. This is not me being picky.
This is me not wanting to be alone with guys I don't know very well. This is me wanting to do something besides go on a date.
Every now and then I snap out of this. I talk myself into getting out of my comfort zone. (See BSDB, for example.) But most of the time, if there's not an instant spark, I'm not even going to go on one date with a guy. Unless the guy is totally creepy, most girls will at least give a guy one date. After all, it's a free meal, right?
Not me. I will turn you down if I don't want to go. I'll do my best to be nice about it, but you won't get the token date from me.
And, not only do I throw away a large number of dating opportunities, but I also suck at sending the appropriate signals. A boyfriend once told me that if he hadn't been so into me and determined to win me over, he would've given up long before he ever became my boyfriend. He said I seemed distant and wasn't reciprocating anything. As far as he could tell, I wasn't into him at all.
This was shocking to me. Especially because I had been so into this guy from the moment I met him. To this day, I still remember the exact place where I first saw him.
Then there was this other guy that I had been out with several times. After one of our dates he just stopped calling me. I was totally confused because I was digging him and it really seemed like he reciprocated. I was really sad, but finally just decided that I had misjudged his feelings.
I didn't run into him until a few weeks later. He started getting all flirty with me so I had to ask him what was up. Why had he never called me again? You'll never guess what he said. He told me that on the night of our last date he had been planning on having the DTR. He had been planning on going exclusive! But he said that every time he tried to put his arm around me or get serious for a moment, I pulled away. So he decided I wasn't that into him and pulled away himself. I was shocked. I honestly had no clue.
By that time things had pretty much fizzled so it never went anywhere. But the whole thing was very upsetting. What's even stranger about all this is that I'm really a physical person.
I don't know what happens to me with guys sometimes. But I turn into a total dork. Apparently it will take a very patient man to pin me down. But I don't do this on purpose. I just know I need to cut it out.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
AGB is back—and revealing his identity (sorta), guest post #3
No, I haven't been running off to meet any more of my guy readers. While I gotta admit it is kind of intriguing to use my blog as a tool to meet men, A was a one shot deal.
So remember AGB? (Not to be confused with my co-blogger A that I had lunch with a couple weeks ago. This here is a different guy, AGB, who had done a couple of guest posts this summer here and here. See "Guys of the Blog" side bar if this is confusing.) Anyways, I thought he had run away, but he's back! And apparently he is still interested in doing guest posts. Here is his latest:
So I think I will confuse people when I post this. AGB here, I had taken a hiatus and found my crown taken! I have to admit I’m quite jealous of this new moderator. First off he seems like a charming and from Still Single's analysis very handsome. He has definitely shown his charm in his posts and seems to be a big hit with the ladies. The biggest thing that makes me the most jealous is that Anonymous has actually met Still Single!! I can’t say I am any of those things that Anonymous is but I try. To clear up confusion I will tell you who I am, I had kept the mystique only because I thought it worked better in the blog. Now with two of us it will be way confusing on who is who if we are both some unknown face.
So without further ado, My name is Shelby and I’m from Texas. Yes a guy can be named Shelby. I get this quite a bit actually. Still Single thought I was a female for about 6 emails until I told her! I am also glad that your 4 cats 9 dogs 2 horses and that snapping turtle all share my name as well. What can I say the name is popular! Anyways I am 33 and yes im still not married. After saying this 2 reactions happen.
The first is thinking something is wrong with me. That may be so but I rather think of myself normal granted I am a bit biased on that account. I am however a bit different from others in that I tend to fall in love very quickly. I was told recently that I am kind of an All or Nothing guy. I tend to agree with her observation about me. If something bothers me about a relationship I work it out in my mind and then make my decision and move on. Its either all or nothing. Once I have made up my mind there is no changing it for I have made it up and I am ok with the consequences. This my friend observed made me a great husband but a lousy date/boyfriend. She also mentioned I have a great capacity to love. I agree with all of this but it has made for some very unhappy times, because I get hurt pretty darn easily. Hyper sensitive if you will. Still Single posted where she says that most people are bitter because they are older and single. I can fall in this category but lately I am working on my attitude and to be happy and joyous in all things. Its not a glass is half full or half empty attitude. It’s we don’t care if there is a glass at all because I got some water attitude. I will post later on how that is working for me. :)
The second is people assume that its my fault that I am not married because I am male. I think I make attempts to be social. I am shy by nature and I have solitary hobbies which don’t help but I do try and talk to women. I will make an attempt at least if given the opportunity. All the while im being judged that Im not going on dates because I don’t ask, I do ask. Its hard to keep asking when rejection is almost second nature. I am honestly envious of Anonymous because he makes it seems so easy, whether it is or isn’t. Anyways this isn’t a pity Shelby Party! I have that party around Valentine ’s Day if yall want to attend! :D
What I am getting at is that through all of this people have tried to remedy my situation. That is right Shelby needs to be set up with SO & SO at church work school etc! I wanted to talk about How to play cupid. I am the youngest of 7 and my brothers and sisters have tried to set me up several times in my life. And as you can see its been met with failure. I thought it was just them but recently one of my friends was looking to set me up with another recently divorced young lady. He is just as bad as my family!!! This got me to think well maybe he doesn’t know how to be a match maker. SO ITS TIME TO BLOG!!!! So here are a few pitfalls that I have seen when in regards with my experience.
RULE NO 1
People do not automatically like each other. Just because Im single and shes single and we are over age 30 does not mean anything other than hopeful smiles from our friends and awkward silences between us.
Rule No 2
Breaking the Ice is a must! So my brother wanted me to meet a cute young girl in his ward. He loved her family and suggested that she be perfect for me. He told me to add her to facebook. He gave me her name and even her family to add as friends. Because I have had a bit experience in this I asked him if she knew I was going to add her. He of course said No in which I replied. “so out of the blue add her to facebook and she won’t think I am a weird creepy stalker?” In which he replied quite classically “If she did I would be so embarrassed!!!” ………… right Im sure that be horrible dear brother if YOU were the one embarrassed. Let alone the Me who had to go through the actual embarrassment.
Im not against blind dates, my philosophy is you never know when you will find your eternal companion. Seriously though if you are setting someone up with another person do some work and set up a group date. Or a meet and greet, Something to break the ice. My brother and my friend expected me to make magic happen and all they had to do was suggest that I go out with this girl. I can do that myself that really isn’t a help just makes it more awkward.
Rule No 3
Sell the Sale! I have had so many people try and set me up with girls but did so half heartedly that I wondered if it was a pity date for me or for her. If you think people are good for each other. Sell their strong points. “I know this girl who is one of the funniest people I know!” WAY more attractive than “ I have this sweet spirit that you should meet. She is a little over weight but she is a good girl.” It leaves a colored first impression when you don’t sell the sale and just dooms the budding relationship from the get go.
Rule No 4
SPY VS SPY! Information is great way to get the interest going and to make a good first impression. Blind dates are made and broken by first impressions.
Anyways that is 4 easy steps to keep in mind when playing match maker. We single people do appreciate your efforts we just don’t want it to be counterproductive. Like the time when my friend’s wife told the waitress I was really good with hair and wardrobes because she wanted to really impress this lady. Didn’t really impress her, but I was impressed that my face was only a slight shade of scarlet.
So remember AGB? (Not to be confused with my co-blogger A that I had lunch with a couple weeks ago. This here is a different guy, AGB, who had done a couple of guest posts this summer here and here. See "Guys of the Blog" side bar if this is confusing.) Anyways, I thought he had run away, but he's back! And apparently he is still interested in doing guest posts. Here is his latest:
So I think I will confuse people when I post this. AGB here, I had taken a hiatus and found my crown taken! I have to admit I’m quite jealous of this new moderator. First off he seems like a charming and from Still Single's analysis very handsome. He has definitely shown his charm in his posts and seems to be a big hit with the ladies. The biggest thing that makes me the most jealous is that Anonymous has actually met Still Single!! I can’t say I am any of those things that Anonymous is but I try. To clear up confusion I will tell you who I am, I had kept the mystique only because I thought it worked better in the blog. Now with two of us it will be way confusing on who is who if we are both some unknown face.
So without further ado, My name is Shelby and I’m from Texas. Yes a guy can be named Shelby. I get this quite a bit actually. Still Single thought I was a female for about 6 emails until I told her! I am also glad that your 4 cats 9 dogs 2 horses and that snapping turtle all share my name as well. What can I say the name is popular! Anyways I am 33 and yes im still not married. After saying this 2 reactions happen.
The first is thinking something is wrong with me. That may be so but I rather think of myself normal granted I am a bit biased on that account. I am however a bit different from others in that I tend to fall in love very quickly. I was told recently that I am kind of an All or Nothing guy. I tend to agree with her observation about me. If something bothers me about a relationship I work it out in my mind and then make my decision and move on. Its either all or nothing. Once I have made up my mind there is no changing it for I have made it up and I am ok with the consequences. This my friend observed made me a great husband but a lousy date/boyfriend. She also mentioned I have a great capacity to love. I agree with all of this but it has made for some very unhappy times, because I get hurt pretty darn easily. Hyper sensitive if you will. Still Single posted where she says that most people are bitter because they are older and single. I can fall in this category but lately I am working on my attitude and to be happy and joyous in all things. Its not a glass is half full or half empty attitude. It’s we don’t care if there is a glass at all because I got some water attitude. I will post later on how that is working for me. :)
The second is people assume that its my fault that I am not married because I am male. I think I make attempts to be social. I am shy by nature and I have solitary hobbies which don’t help but I do try and talk to women. I will make an attempt at least if given the opportunity. All the while im being judged that Im not going on dates because I don’t ask, I do ask. Its hard to keep asking when rejection is almost second nature. I am honestly envious of Anonymous because he makes it seems so easy, whether it is or isn’t. Anyways this isn’t a pity Shelby Party! I have that party around Valentine ’s Day if yall want to attend! :D
What I am getting at is that through all of this people have tried to remedy my situation. That is right Shelby needs to be set up with SO & SO at church work school etc! I wanted to talk about How to play cupid. I am the youngest of 7 and my brothers and sisters have tried to set me up several times in my life. And as you can see its been met with failure. I thought it was just them but recently one of my friends was looking to set me up with another recently divorced young lady. He is just as bad as my family!!! This got me to think well maybe he doesn’t know how to be a match maker. SO ITS TIME TO BLOG!!!! So here are a few pitfalls that I have seen when in regards with my experience.
RULE NO 1
People do not automatically like each other. Just because Im single and shes single and we are over age 30 does not mean anything other than hopeful smiles from our friends and awkward silences between us.
Rule No 2
Breaking the Ice is a must! So my brother wanted me to meet a cute young girl in his ward. He loved her family and suggested that she be perfect for me. He told me to add her to facebook. He gave me her name and even her family to add as friends. Because I have had a bit experience in this I asked him if she knew I was going to add her. He of course said No in which I replied. “so out of the blue add her to facebook and she won’t think I am a weird creepy stalker?” In which he replied quite classically “If she did I would be so embarrassed!!!” ………… right Im sure that be horrible dear brother if YOU were the one embarrassed. Let alone the Me who had to go through the actual embarrassment.
Im not against blind dates, my philosophy is you never know when you will find your eternal companion. Seriously though if you are setting someone up with another person do some work and set up a group date. Or a meet and greet, Something to break the ice. My brother and my friend expected me to make magic happen and all they had to do was suggest that I go out with this girl. I can do that myself that really isn’t a help just makes it more awkward.
Rule No 3
Sell the Sale! I have had so many people try and set me up with girls but did so half heartedly that I wondered if it was a pity date for me or for her. If you think people are good for each other. Sell their strong points. “I know this girl who is one of the funniest people I know!” WAY more attractive than “ I have this sweet spirit that you should meet. She is a little over weight but she is a good girl.” It leaves a colored first impression when you don’t sell the sale and just dooms the budding relationship from the get go.
Rule No 4
SPY VS SPY! Information is great way to get the interest going and to make a good first impression. Blind dates are made and broken by first impressions.
Anyways that is 4 easy steps to keep in mind when playing match maker. We single people do appreciate your efforts we just don’t want it to be counterproductive. Like the time when my friend’s wife told the waitress I was really good with hair and wardrobes because she wanted to really impress this lady. Didn’t really impress her, but I was impressed that my face was only a slight shade of scarlet.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Trophy what?
by SS
I couldn't decide whether or not to blog about this, but after reading Jake's birthday post, I figured why not.
Do people ever say something to you that makes you completely reanalyze a past situation? Yeah, I know. I analyze too much. It's what I do.
A few weeks ago I met a guy and his brother who were here visiting a friend. Since I also happened to be close to this friend, I ended up seeing these guys a few times during their week-long stay.
One night the four of us get to talking about our missions. At one point one of the guys says to me, “Hey, I bet you were the trophy sister in your mission, huh?”
I don't respond for at least a full 10 seconds. “The what?”
“You know, the trophy sister. Like the one that all the elders wanna get with after the mission.”
I am still speechless. This is a completely new concept to me.
He goes on. “Seriously, how many elders from your mission tried to date you when you got home?”
I manage an awkward laugh. “I don't wanna talk about this.”
I'm having a hard time putting my finger on why this silenced me like that. I mean, the guy didn't mean any harm by it. I realize he only meant it as a compliment. And, judging by how he had been flirting with me since he got there, he was probably hoping for an out-of-town NCMO. But whatever.
Here's the thing. Names of elders from my mission start running through my mind. For the first time it hits me. I had ended up dating a couple elders from my mission and turning down more than just a couple others. I know, I know. How can it just hit me that this was the case when I've already been home for several years?
See, none of them (well, okay, except maybe one) were elders that I had served with directly. I had met them on the mission at zone conferences, but was never actually in the same city with them. Therefore I didn't really associate them with the mission that much. They were just guys at my school who had happened to live in the same beautiful country and speak the same beautiful language as me.
I now remember how the AP/my first post-mission boyfriend had acted when he took me to our first mission reunion. He was especially clingy that night. At the time I remember thinking, aw, this is cute—he's totally trying to show off that he has a girlfriend already. But now I think—wait, was I just a trophy in some stupid guy game?
I felt kinda weird about it the rest of the evening. I guess I'm just naïve, but I thought girls were safe from this sorta thing on the mission. That was one thing I actually loved about my mission—having lots of great guy friends that weren't only interested in taking it to the next level. I mean, if there's only one place where a girl can be valued for who she is on the inside, shouldn't it be while she's devoting all day, everyday to service?
I guess I'm sorta just wondering, was this guy just being overly flirty? Or do guys really have a "trophy" girl for every occasion?
Friday, November 6, 2009
SAHD
by SS
So I had another little lunch date while I was out of town last weekend. It was with the guy I mentioned here who doesn't have an acronym yet. I'll dub him SAHD (as in, Stay at Home Dad) although he's neither a dad nor does he stay at home.
In case you don't feel like going back and reading the original post (it's okay, I respect your laziness :)), basically he's an old friend of mine who has told me that he's completely okay with my crazy life plan and lack of domesticity. Even to the point that if we got married he would consider being a SAHD if it became necessary to help me stay on track with my career. And, not gonna lie, on a certain level this idea is totally intriguing to me.
We've been friends for years and get along fabulously. But he has been backburnered because I just don't feel a spark. I wish I did, but I don't. Although, yes, sometimes I still entertain thoughts of hooking up with him. He treats me so well. I know we'd have tons of fun together. But the romance just isn't there for me.
This isn't to say that he's just waiting around for me to come to my senses. I've been very upfront about my feelings and he's okay with just being friends.
But I kinda feel guilty when I think of how hypocritical it is for me to be so intrigued by the idea of a SAHD. I mean, if I want my guy to be open to my attachment to my career, shouldn't I allow him the same? If I want my guy to embrace my seeking out all opportunities, shouldn't I welcome the same for him?
The truth is, of course I want my guy to be every bit as fulfilled by his career as I am. I do want my guy to be able to explore all the opportunities that come his way. I guess it's just that, sadly, SAHD—more than any other guy I've ever known—has been the most accepting of who I am. The entire package of who I am—not just my looks or my personality or my ridiculously awesome taste in music. But everything I want my life to be.
Yeah, it's hard to walk away from that. But I'm holding out.
So I had another little lunch date while I was out of town last weekend. It was with the guy I mentioned here who doesn't have an acronym yet. I'll dub him SAHD (as in, Stay at Home Dad) although he's neither a dad nor does he stay at home.
In case you don't feel like going back and reading the original post (it's okay, I respect your laziness :)), basically he's an old friend of mine who has told me that he's completely okay with my crazy life plan and lack of domesticity. Even to the point that if we got married he would consider being a SAHD if it became necessary to help me stay on track with my career. And, not gonna lie, on a certain level this idea is totally intriguing to me.
We've been friends for years and get along fabulously. But he has been backburnered because I just don't feel a spark. I wish I did, but I don't. Although, yes, sometimes I still entertain thoughts of hooking up with him. He treats me so well. I know we'd have tons of fun together. But the romance just isn't there for me.
This isn't to say that he's just waiting around for me to come to my senses. I've been very upfront about my feelings and he's okay with just being friends.
But I kinda feel guilty when I think of how hypocritical it is for me to be so intrigued by the idea of a SAHD. I mean, if I want my guy to be open to my attachment to my career, shouldn't I allow him the same? If I want my guy to embrace my seeking out all opportunities, shouldn't I welcome the same for him?
The truth is, of course I want my guy to be every bit as fulfilled by his career as I am. I do want my guy to be able to explore all the opportunities that come his way. I guess it's just that, sadly, SAHD—more than any other guy I've ever known—has been the most accepting of who I am. The entire package of who I am—not just my looks or my personality or my ridiculously awesome taste in music. But everything I want my life to be.
Yeah, it's hard to walk away from that. But I'm holding out.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Because I'm “too smart”
by SS
Apparently not everyone enjoyed hearing about my rendezvous with A. I, however, am pretty entertained by the fact that I somehow got to meet a cool guy through my anonymous blog. Definitely wasn't expecting that.
I do have to admit that I was little nervous about meeting him, though. In fact, I held off telling him that I was going to be in his neck of the woods until almost the last minute. I kind of liked the mystery of this whole thing, you know. Having this handsome stranger that I've never met posting on my blog. My concern was that if I met him, a lot of that mystery would be gone. I mean, yeah, we'd seen multiple pictures of each other on facebook, but you know it's never the same as seeing someone in real life and having an actual conversation instead of just emails and texts. I mean, what if they have an annoying voice? What if they can't stop talking about themselves? What if you just don't click? You never know!
But in the end I couldn't resist. Much like I couldn't resist adding him on fb in the first place. Well, let me tell you, I wouldn't have bothered with either of these anonymity-compromising actions if he didn't look so damn good in all his pictures. Call me superficial, but hey, that's all you have to go on in the very beginning. If anything, I was concerned that he would be way out of my league in the looks department. Which was kind of intimidating. But I decided I didn't care. I decided that if this guy is going to be posting on my blog, I wanted to meet him. And he did not disappoint. Ladies, I am sorry, but you're just going to have to use your imaginations on this one.
So yeah, he was easy to talk to. Sometimes I tend to take myself too seriously and so I appreciate someone who is laidback and able to see the lighter side of things. His outlook on life was also quite refreshing. I didn't sense any of the usual underlying bitterness about being single that seems all too common amongst us “older” singles.
I do need to tell you something that he left out. I had just started driving down the road after our lunch when he called me. He's like, “Soooo?” Me: “Huh?” Him: “Tell me.” Me: “Uh, I don't know what you're talking about.” (I promise I wasn't being coy. I really didn't know what he wanted me to tell him.) Him: “Would you date me? I mean, if we lived in the same town, do you think you'd date me?” At this point I think I pretty much just start laughing. Because really, I don't think any guy's ever come out and asked me straight up if I would date him. Usually, the guy just keeps asking you out until eventually you say no or else he loses interest, right? But yeah, I guess A and I have a kind of unique situation. So it was a legit question. Just unexpected.
Back to the conversation. Me: “Well, uh, I mean, I only talked to you for like an hour. It's hard to. . .” Him (pretty sure he's laughing at me by this point): “I'm not asking if you'd marry me! Just if you think you'd date me.” Me (probably flustered): “Uh, yeah, I'd go out with you again. I had fun.” At which point he launches into his compliment shower which you already got to experience in his blog post. And which hopefully made none of you puke. As for me, it pretty much made my night after a ridiculously long and stressful day yesterday. So thanks, A. :)
Back to the conversation again. Eventually he gets to: “I know why you're still single!” Me: “And why is that?” Him: “Because you're too smart. It's intimidating to guys.”
Okay, single ladies, raise your hand if you've ever been told that you're still single because guys are probably just intimidated by you. For being too smart, too together, too beautiful, too whatever. I'm guessing I'm not alone.
I'm not trying to discredit A's observation here. I guess I'm just trying to understand what this intimidation thing really even means. I know it can be real. But how real? And how common is it? When asked (especially if asked by a girl), I think a lot of guys will say they wouldn't let a smart/successful/whatever girl intimidate them. They would say they liked the challenge of trying to keep up with her. They would say they want their girl to fulfill her dreams as much as possible. But how many of these guys really mean it? I'm sure these guys are out there, but I think they're hard to weed out. Maybe you could all wear signs or something? That would really help us out a lot.
One last thing. I have a “weird obsession”??! Hahaha. That totally makes it sound like I collect cats or have a strange addiction to the Home Shopping Network or something. Just to clarify to the readers, it's a professional obsession. Some may call it crazy/dangerous, but I get paid good money to do something that I totally love. What more could I want? And it kicks ass. Hmph.
In the meantime, A, if you do feel up for the challenge, you're more than welcome to come out and crash my "hot, smart, and successful" east coast life. ;)
Apparently not everyone enjoyed hearing about my rendezvous with A. I, however, am pretty entertained by the fact that I somehow got to meet a cool guy through my anonymous blog. Definitely wasn't expecting that.
I do have to admit that I was little nervous about meeting him, though. In fact, I held off telling him that I was going to be in his neck of the woods until almost the last minute. I kind of liked the mystery of this whole thing, you know. Having this handsome stranger that I've never met posting on my blog. My concern was that if I met him, a lot of that mystery would be gone. I mean, yeah, we'd seen multiple pictures of each other on facebook, but you know it's never the same as seeing someone in real life and having an actual conversation instead of just emails and texts. I mean, what if they have an annoying voice? What if they can't stop talking about themselves? What if you just don't click? You never know!
But in the end I couldn't resist. Much like I couldn't resist adding him on fb in the first place. Well, let me tell you, I wouldn't have bothered with either of these anonymity-compromising actions if he didn't look so damn good in all his pictures. Call me superficial, but hey, that's all you have to go on in the very beginning. If anything, I was concerned that he would be way out of my league in the looks department. Which was kind of intimidating. But I decided I didn't care. I decided that if this guy is going to be posting on my blog, I wanted to meet him. And he did not disappoint. Ladies, I am sorry, but you're just going to have to use your imaginations on this one.
So yeah, he was easy to talk to. Sometimes I tend to take myself too seriously and so I appreciate someone who is laidback and able to see the lighter side of things. His outlook on life was also quite refreshing. I didn't sense any of the usual underlying bitterness about being single that seems all too common amongst us “older” singles.
I do need to tell you something that he left out. I had just started driving down the road after our lunch when he called me. He's like, “Soooo?” Me: “Huh?” Him: “Tell me.” Me: “Uh, I don't know what you're talking about.” (I promise I wasn't being coy. I really didn't know what he wanted me to tell him.) Him: “Would you date me? I mean, if we lived in the same town, do you think you'd date me?” At this point I think I pretty much just start laughing. Because really, I don't think any guy's ever come out and asked me straight up if I would date him. Usually, the guy just keeps asking you out until eventually you say no or else he loses interest, right? But yeah, I guess A and I have a kind of unique situation. So it was a legit question. Just unexpected.
Back to the conversation. Me: “Well, uh, I mean, I only talked to you for like an hour. It's hard to. . .” Him (pretty sure he's laughing at me by this point): “I'm not asking if you'd marry me! Just if you think you'd date me.” Me (probably flustered): “Uh, yeah, I'd go out with you again. I had fun.” At which point he launches into his compliment shower which you already got to experience in his blog post. And which hopefully made none of you puke. As for me, it pretty much made my night after a ridiculously long and stressful day yesterday. So thanks, A. :)
Back to the conversation again. Eventually he gets to: “I know why you're still single!” Me: “And why is that?” Him: “Because you're too smart. It's intimidating to guys.”
Okay, single ladies, raise your hand if you've ever been told that you're still single because guys are probably just intimidated by you. For being too smart, too together, too beautiful, too whatever. I'm guessing I'm not alone.
I'm not trying to discredit A's observation here. I guess I'm just trying to understand what this intimidation thing really even means. I know it can be real. But how real? And how common is it? When asked (especially if asked by a girl), I think a lot of guys will say they wouldn't let a smart/successful/whatever girl intimidate them. They would say they liked the challenge of trying to keep up with her. They would say they want their girl to fulfill her dreams as much as possible. But how many of these guys really mean it? I'm sure these guys are out there, but I think they're hard to weed out. Maybe you could all wear signs or something? That would really help us out a lot.
One last thing. I have a “weird obsession”??! Hahaha. That totally makes it sound like I collect cats or have a strange addiction to the Home Shopping Network or something. Just to clarify to the readers, it's a professional obsession. Some may call it crazy/dangerous, but I get paid good money to do something that I totally love. What more could I want? And it kicks ass. Hmph.
In the meantime, A, if you do feel up for the challenge, you're more than welcome to come out and crash my "hot, smart, and successful" east coast life. ;)
Monday, November 2, 2009
...it happened in a small Cantina...
Ladies and gentlemen, I have met StillSingle. I told her I was going to write about it, and maybe she will from her perspective too.
It was a simple encounter, no big deal, but since she invited me to participate on her blog, I figured if given the chance, I had to take it. I'm SO glad I did.
We met at a little Mexican food place and had some lunch. We talked the WHOLE time, which is always nice - nothing worse than hanging out with a person who can't hold up their end of a conversation. It was very natural, she is a very easy person to talk to - 1 point. I don't know if we flirted or anything like that, but it felt like maybe we were - it wasn't forced at all so it may or may not have occurred - so, being able to act naturally on a "date" - 1 point. Maybe it was So natural because it wasn't really a date, date. Who knows, all I know is we could have talked for hours if we'd had time. Physical attraction for me was definitely there. SS has a smokin little body (no disrespect ladies, it's just true) and she is very attractive - even better than her pictures, and those are pretty good - 1 point. I had to be VERY deft in checking her out, given the recent posts about boob-staring, and I think I did ok - she really is very attractive so I might have gotten caught lingering just a little too long. If she did catch me, she didn't let on, so thanks SS! :-D Now whether or not she was attracted to me, she'll have to tell you if she wants, it won't change my assessment one bit either way. Oh, and she actually ate her lunch, good sign that she's not afraid to just be herself (and the food is really good at this place) so - 1 point. I'm not sure what else I can give her points for???
After our lunch, I couldn't help but think, "Why is she still single?!?!?!" Ironic, eh? And the only thing I can come up with is she intimidates guys because she has SO much going for her (and she lives in a place with such a small population of LDS guys that the challenge is magnified 100x). I don't know that she and I would be dating even if we didn't live 2500 miles apart, I don't like to assume anything, but this kind of woman is SO attractive, not just physically but intellectually as well. I mean no amount of hotness can make up for lack of personality, and here is a woman that seemingly has it all?!?! Granted, we only hung out for an hour but I was impressed. I hope none of you are puking yet because I'm being overly complimentary or anything, I'm just giving my raw, unfiltered impressions. SS is a fantastic girl with everything going for her. She has one weird obsession (which we talked about a lot, and I find fascinating but in no way want to take part in ;-) ), which I won't divulge in case it gives away who she is, but even that isn't a deal-breaker, really. So overall, I'd reiterate my statement from my original post - the LDS guys in her area that aren't beating down her door to date her, are CRAZY!
It takes a rare guy to be OK with having a woman in his life who is smarter and possibly more successful than himself. It's a rare guy who's ego doesn't get in the way of a great relationship because he isn't the "provider" for his GF/wife, whatever. For me, I look for that - I look for a person who can challenge me intellectually (not that I'm Einstein, but I like to TALK and talk about things that are interesting and happening in the world, etc.) and doesn't NEED me to provide for her! I will totally do my part, but the "need" factor ruins things for me, perhaps more on this in another post... In my opinion and for me, that allows things to be much more natural and organic as the relationship grows, rather than trying to force something because of pre-conceived societal or religious norms.
I will admit after all of that, that there is a certain level of intrigue knowing who SS is and having met her that makes her all the more attractive - the little bit of mystery makes it SO fun. Thanks for going to lunch with me SS, I enjoyed it thoroughly!!! Hope we can do it again sometime on your turf. :-)
It was a simple encounter, no big deal, but since she invited me to participate on her blog, I figured if given the chance, I had to take it. I'm SO glad I did.
We met at a little Mexican food place and had some lunch. We talked the WHOLE time, which is always nice - nothing worse than hanging out with a person who can't hold up their end of a conversation. It was very natural, she is a very easy person to talk to - 1 point. I don't know if we flirted or anything like that, but it felt like maybe we were - it wasn't forced at all so it may or may not have occurred - so, being able to act naturally on a "date" - 1 point. Maybe it was So natural because it wasn't really a date, date. Who knows, all I know is we could have talked for hours if we'd had time. Physical attraction for me was definitely there. SS has a smokin little body (no disrespect ladies, it's just true) and she is very attractive - even better than her pictures, and those are pretty good - 1 point. I had to be VERY deft in checking her out, given the recent posts about boob-staring, and I think I did ok - she really is very attractive so I might have gotten caught lingering just a little too long. If she did catch me, she didn't let on, so thanks SS! :-D Now whether or not she was attracted to me, she'll have to tell you if she wants, it won't change my assessment one bit either way. Oh, and she actually ate her lunch, good sign that she's not afraid to just be herself (and the food is really good at this place) so - 1 point. I'm not sure what else I can give her points for???
After our lunch, I couldn't help but think, "Why is she still single?!?!?!" Ironic, eh? And the only thing I can come up with is she intimidates guys because she has SO much going for her (and she lives in a place with such a small population of LDS guys that the challenge is magnified 100x). I don't know that she and I would be dating even if we didn't live 2500 miles apart, I don't like to assume anything, but this kind of woman is SO attractive, not just physically but intellectually as well. I mean no amount of hotness can make up for lack of personality, and here is a woman that seemingly has it all?!?! Granted, we only hung out for an hour but I was impressed. I hope none of you are puking yet because I'm being overly complimentary or anything, I'm just giving my raw, unfiltered impressions. SS is a fantastic girl with everything going for her. She has one weird obsession (which we talked about a lot, and I find fascinating but in no way want to take part in ;-) ), which I won't divulge in case it gives away who she is, but even that isn't a deal-breaker, really. So overall, I'd reiterate my statement from my original post - the LDS guys in her area that aren't beating down her door to date her, are CRAZY!
It takes a rare guy to be OK with having a woman in his life who is smarter and possibly more successful than himself. It's a rare guy who's ego doesn't get in the way of a great relationship because he isn't the "provider" for his GF/wife, whatever. For me, I look for that - I look for a person who can challenge me intellectually (not that I'm Einstein, but I like to TALK and talk about things that are interesting and happening in the world, etc.) and doesn't NEED me to provide for her! I will totally do my part, but the "need" factor ruins things for me, perhaps more on this in another post... In my opinion and for me, that allows things to be much more natural and organic as the relationship grows, rather than trying to force something because of pre-conceived societal or religious norms.
I will admit after all of that, that there is a certain level of intrigue knowing who SS is and having met her that makes her all the more attractive - the little bit of mystery makes it SO fun. Thanks for going to lunch with me SS, I enjoyed it thoroughly!!! Hope we can do it again sometime on your turf. :-)
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