The Single Shower

Ultimately, by the time I die, I hope I have given far more than I have received.

But honestly. Showers and receptions are getting out of control.

I'm a nearly-30 single Mormon girl who has had—as you can imagine—many other single Mormon friends get married since I officially became a “YSA” at 18.

This means I have bought A LOT of bridal/wedding gifts in the past 12 years or so.

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for my girls on their important occasions. I support them, I'm there for them. I know that if someday I have an “important occasion,” they'll be there for me, too.

But there comes a point when I just wanna shout out, “Hey, is it my turn yet?!?”

I'm not even talking about getting married here. I'm talking about PRESENTS!!!

This initially occurred to me last year when I purchased my first home. For the first time in my life I would be moving into a place without at least some furnishings and would be living without roommates.

I had no idea how much random STUFF I didn't personally own. Decent silverware. A kitchen trash can. A broom. A vacuum. A blender. A TOASTER.

As all these little items started adding up in a hurry, I realized:

If I were getting married, I wouldn't have had to buy ANY of this stuff!

I mean, what married couple has to buy their own toaster? They usually get at least 3 at the reception. Oh, the shame of having to buy my own toaster.

I think there should be some sort of landmark occasion for single people that merits them a shower. It may be a different occasion for each person. For some it may be the attainment of an advanced degree. For others it may be the acquisition of a dream job or a significant promotion. For others it may be a first home purchase.

Whatever it is, we need to be showered, too!

Like I said, I know it's better to give than to receive. Our balance should definitely be on the giving side. However, there is something way off balance when I've bought probably between 40-50 bridal/wedding gifts in my lifetime and somehow ended up buying my own toaster.

No single girl over 25 should have to buy her own toaster. Let's start a revolution, people.

Do you go on a second date. . .

. . .with someone who nearly bored you to tears on your first outing?

“No, dear blogress, why would you?”

Well, what if he's really cute? And has his life together?

One part of me says:

Why waste another Saturday evening being bored when you know you could find something else to do that's guaranteed fun?

The other part says:

Another date doesn't mean you have to marry the guy. Just take advantage of the opportunity to get to know someone better.

Clearly I think about this kind of thing way too much. :)

How do you feel about. . .

. . .guys who ask out your voicemail?

It kinda makes me wonder—is asking us out in person (or at least on the phone) that intimidating?

Or, in our technological age, is this now a socially acceptable phenomenon and those who are annoyed are just being princesses about the matter?

And, does it make a difference if the guy is asking us out for a first date or a subsequent date?

Just wondering.

Yes, I tried internet dating.

Scariest, most depressing thing I've ever done.

I realize internet dating has worked for many people. I don't think the idea is bad in principle. But my experience sucked.

I live in a large city where there is a sizable Mormon population. I didn't think I was asking too much to request someone who lived within 100 miles of me and was under the age of, oh let's be really generous, 40.

I did the usual—posted a little about my interests, my goals, my educational and career background. I expressed a desire to meet someone at a similar place in life.

Let me tell you what I did not know. There is a large number of single mo-men:

-who are OVER FIFTY and think it's acceptable to “wink” at and message girls in their 20s.

-who cannot go 3 words without making a spelling or grammar mistake.

-who do not live in the United States, barely speak English, and think they might meet a nice American mo-girl. (aka GREEN CARD!!)

-who are 30 or older, have not gone to college, work minimum wage jobs, and think they might like to pursue a relationship with a girl who lives on the other side of the country.

-who think it's permissible to unload all their relationship baggage in a first message to a girl.

-who have CHILDREN as old as the girl they're trying to pursue.

Oh, and I'm just getting started.

As soon as my month was up, I ran far, far away from that site.

. . .And the boys that I fall for don't fall for me.

I hate to admit that I, like so many other single Mormon girls, have let myself be strung along.

It's so easy and pathetic to spot this phenomenon from the outside looking in. Things look a lot differently from the inside, however. We all just know that we're “the exception.”

But, of course, we almost never are. That's why it's “the exception.”

I was attracted to Non-Exception Boy from the moment I met him. He had a girlfriend at the time, though, so I was good and kept my distance.

Shortly after they broke up, however, it was him that started knocking on my door. We went on our first date about a month after the break up. I thought things had gone well. We had a lot to talk about and there seemed to be some chemistry.

But he didn't ask me out again. Instead, we just started “hanging out.” All the time. I should've known better.

You know how gossipy singles' wards can be. Everyone saw how much time we were spending together and assumed that we were dating. I never actually confirmed the rumor, but I certainly didn't mind letting people continue to believe it. After all, I figured, we really would start dating pretty soon.

Except we didn't. Our “friendship” sort of became this off-and-on thing for—pathetically—nearly a year. If either of us was pursuing or being pursued by someone else, we cut way back on our together time. As soon as our horizons were clear, however, there we were again, having conversations that lasted all hours of the morning.

I just knew he would come around eventually. I just had to wait for him to realize what was right in front of him. I was perfect for him!

Then one day a trusted friend was kind enough to sit me down and point out how pathetic I was being. It was hard to hear. But I realized my friend was right. Reluctantly, I pulled away from NEB entirely.

This lasted about a month. Then, right after OS left, the miracle happened. What every pathetically strung-along girl wishes for. NEB called me up and asked me out on a real date.

It was a “first date” like no other. He went on and on about how much he had missed me, how much he needed me in his life, how sorry he was for not manning up sooner. Perfect, right?

So we started dating.

Sort of. Something was off. I knew it, I felt it, but I wouldn't admit it to myself.

He dropped me within a matter of weeks. It wasn't pretty. I was so upset with him for stringing me along, for being so fickle, for breaking my heart.

And then I realized he was telling me almost the exact same things I had told OS not too long ago. He told me that he wanted to feel it—I was perfect. But it just wasn't there.

Somehow that didn't make it any easier.

Because I don't fall for the boys that fall for me. . .

Several years ago I did a semester in Faraway Land where there was a small branch of the Church—mostly made up of expats who were there for work.

It was my favorite branch I've ever belonged to. One American family in particular was very welcoming. They frequently had me over for dinner and took me out with them on fun excursions. It was a large family—they had 3 or 4 kids with them there in FL while the others were off studying in the US.

A couple years later and back in the US I randomly ended up running into the Oldest Son who I had never met before. He was here visiting from another state. My first impression? “Wow, cute.” We even ended up having a ton in common—similar educational background, interests, future life plans. We decided to keep in touch and made plans to get together the next time he was in town.

A few months later the entire family flew into town from FL. (Turns out they own a home near here.) OS came out for about a month, too. I began spending several days a week with him and his family. I felt like I fit right in with them. They were interesting and engaging.

We weren't always with the family, though—he was taking me out on classy and well-planned dates. I enjoyed spending time with him and couldn't believe how perfect he was.

A few nights before he was to fly back to the city where he lived, he decided to have “the talk” with me. He wanted to pursue a long distance relationship.

I knew it would be coming before he left and had spent the past couple of weeks trying to talk myself into it.

He initiated the conversation in the cutest and sweetest way possible. But no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't look him in the eyes and tell him that I reciprocated his feelings. It was heart wrenching. He was too perfect. But, you know, I just wasn't that into him.

I cried myself to sleep that night. I beat myself up, telling myself that I had just rejected the one guy who would probably be the most perfect match for me that I'd ever meet.

The truth is: I still think about him sometimes. It's been over 2 years since that night and sometimes I still wonder, what if? We haven't maintained contact. I don't know where he is, what he's doing, if he's married.

I know that I was true to my heart and can't regret that. But I do wonder: is being true to your heart always the best thing?

Ironically, my being upset about OS led me right into the arms of another guy—a guy I had liked forever, but in the end just wasn't that into me.

But that's a story for another day.

I'm pretty liberal.

At least by Mormon standards.

I'm proud of myself for going this long in my blog without bringing up politics. I actually hate politics—the games, the power struggles, the insincerity, the hypocrisy. At the same time, however, I love keeping up with what's going on in the world politically—it somehow helps me feel connected to the rest of the world. It allows me to make informed decisions and form opinions about day-to-day issues which match my core beliefs.

At the risk of revealing my identity, I must confess that I have a graduate degree in political-related something-or-other. :) I both hated and loved getting this degree. It was fascinating and frustrating all at once.

I grew up in the west in the midst of some very staunch conservatives. Even now, most of my mo-friends are quite conservative. I love it. We challenge each other. We respect each other even though we don't always understand each other.

I love when people are informed about their viewpoints and can defend them when necessary. But I don't love arguing.

I don't need people to agree with me. (In fact, most of my mo-friends don't). But I do need people to accept that my views are valid. And more importantly—that they don't make me a bad Mormon.

I take care not to flaunt my “liberal” views around my mo-friends. (And I use the term “liberal” very loosely. By rest-of-the-world standards, I'm more of a moderate.) But if you ask me what I think about an issue, I will tell you.

I have found that this can put my faith under closer scrutiny. Which is no fair, no fun, and frankly—kind of a turn off. Because if you are of the mindset that there is only one Church-sanctioned viewpoint for each issue, you're not really the kind of person I want to be with.

Numbers

A friend invited me to a party tonight.

When I showed up there were about 20 girls. And 1 guy.

I promise I'm not exaggerating. I really thought to myself, “Wait, maybe this is supposed to be a 'girls' night' thing.”

It wasn't. Four more guys showed up throughout the course of the evening.

Settling?

Oops. I sort of lied in my last post.

I do know a guy that is okay with the plan I talked about. We have been friends for years although we no longer live in the same state.

A few years ago he tried to take our friendship to the next level. I was heartbroken to have to reject him. But the truth is simple: I don't like him that way. He's fun and sweet and cute. I even think I could kiss him. But I don't think I could have a hot make-out session with him. You know the difference.

Our friendship took a blow at first. But we eventually made up and now keep in touch regularly. We even visit each other from time to time. But we have both moved on with our lives.

Except recently he has let me know that the dating thing is still something he'd like to try if I'm open to it.

We've talked about my lack of domesticity. He's okay with it. He likes to cook and is even intrigued by and open to the idea of being a SAHD.

In a certain sense I can say that I do love him. We know each other pretty well. We have a lot of fun together.

But I don't think I could ever be smitten.

And that would make me feel like I was settling. Right?

Musical bonus:

Because I'm not domestic.

And never will be.

Yes, I know that a girl doesn't have to be domestic to get married. But, generally speaking, it's harder for such a girl to find a Mormon man who is okay with this. Not impossible, just more challenging.

My mom was a SAHM. She got married very young. As a little girl, I always assumed it would be similar for me.

As I got a little older, I decided I wanted to do other things before getting married. At a minimum, I wanted to serve a mission, travel the world, study abroad, graduate from college, get some good work experience. Then I figured I would ultimately become a SAHM myself.

Now, well into an enjoyable career, I can't imagine giving it up. Even when/if I get married and have kids.

This doesn't mean I want nannies raising my kids. But I also don't think it means I stop working.

I am more than willing to go part time with my job when the kids are young. I want to be able to spend that time with them. Fortunately, I have a job that would allow me to be flexible with my hours. Hypothetical Husband and I could arrange our work schedules so that we don't have to hire child care at all. However, it's possible that HH would also have to go part time in order to make this plan work.

Also:

Domestic duties will be split 50/50. I hate cooking, but will do it as needed. And I actually don't mind cleaning so much, as long as I'm not doing all of it.

I have yet to date a guy who is okay with this plan. Know any? ;)

Dating “too little” vs. dating “too much”

Just an observation.

As members of a religion that places a huge emphasis on family, being single can be a bit frustrating at times. I mean, no one wants to live their life alone, but I think it can be even worse for us Mormons because it’s always thrown in our faces and most people our age already have gotten married and started having children.

I know several girls who frequently complain that they haven’t been on a date in ______ (months, years, whatever—fill in the blank with something that sounds like a really long time.) And then there are a few girls who date quite frequently and complain that they don’t really like any of the guys that ask them out and the guys that they do like don’t ask them out.

A friend of mine who complains of the former problem was recently telling me how frustrated she is with her roommate who complains of the latter problem. But I really feel for both ends of the spectrum. I’ve been at both ends of the spectrum myself—sometimes I go a really long time without a date and other times I have so many dates, I don’t know what to do with them. (My records on both ends? Nine months without a date. Three dates in one day.)

I don't share that to impress you. Because you know what? I think I prefer the former. Because when no one is asking you out, you can blame the “stupid boys.” You can blame the “stupid dating scene.” But when guys are asking you out, but it’s not working with anyone, it’s a lot harder to blame them or the situation. That's how it is for me anyways. I tend to put a lot more blame on myself in that situation. I start asking myself, Why can’t I make one of these work out?

So next time you feel jealous or frustrated that someone else seems to be dating more than you, remember this: that person is just as not-married as you. Dating provides enough frustration to go around.

Because I stopped caring.

This doesn't mean what you think it means.

I still dress cute and wear makeup. I work out. I bathe.

But as far as social activities. . .I do what I want.

I stopped forcing myself to go to every fhe and every institute and every ice cream social and every !!TOTALLY AWESOME FUNNEST NIGHT EVER!! theme party of some sort.

Now—and for some time—I've been going to only the activities that interest me. Kayaking? I'm there. Camping? I've got my tent. Beach? I can drive.

Party at someone's house where there are basically all the same people that were at last weekend's party standing around chatting while keeping their eye on the door to see if any new meat walks in? I'll pass.

I realize that “the one” might just be at that party or fhe I missed last week. But I don't have time for that game.

I do what I want.

I refuse to lose my fb identity.

What's up with newly marrieds creating joint fb accounts?

Can any married couples please tell me why you would need a joint account? You both already have your own individual one to keep up with your friends, right? And the wife has already started keeping a cute little blog of your guys' “adventures,” no?

So really, there can be no other reason except to tell the world, “Look, WE'RE MARRIED!!!” (Oh, except fb already lets you do this by setting your relationship status. Oh, and by letting you set your status update. Oh, and by letting you post pictures of the two of you. Oh, and by letting you write on each other's walls about how much you love each other.)

Okay, so you still feel that a joint fb is required? Please consider the following issues before creating one:

1. Status updates. Scenario 1-“JohnJane Cracksmith is going to take my test. Wish me luck!” (So which one of you is taking the test? Now, instead of being a tool to help me keep track of my friend's life, fb is just confusing me!)
Scenario 2-“JohnJane Cracksmith is going to spend the evening with my girlfriends.” (Okay, hopefully this is Jane talking, but you know that John's friends are cracking up right now.)
Scenario 3-“JohnJane Cracksmith loves his wife.” (Just sounds awkward. But more importantly, this should never be an actual status update in the first place because no one wants to see that mushy crap.)

2. Writing on other people walls. Scenario 1-on Felicia's wall. JohnJane Cracksmith wrote: “Felicia, you look soooo hot in your new profile pic.” (Felicia thinks to herself, “Thanks, Jane. It IS Jane, right? Dang, I hope my friend's man isn't making a play for me.”)
Scenario 2-on Ryan's wall. JohnJane Cracksmith wrote: “Hey Ry, wanna hang out this Saturday?” (“Well,” thinks Ryan. “That depends. It'd be cool to hang with John, but Jane's kinda annoying. Did he mean just me and him or me and the two of them?” And so in his confusion Ryan pretends to not see the message in time.)

3. Picture Tagging. So John and Jane spend an evening with a friend. Now it's time for the friend to post and tag the pictures. Friend: "Wait. . .fb won't let me tag 2 'JohnJane Cracksmiths' in the same picture?!? Now what am I supposed to do? Which face do I tag as 'JohnJane Cracksmith'?"

4. All your friends hate you because you make them friend you again. (Your friend *opens friend request page*: “Wait. I thought I was already friends with John Cracksmith. Oh, I see. This is JohnJane Cracksmith. Grrr.”

The Question

Why are you still single?

ATTENTION NON-SINGLE FRIENDS. This is why you should never, ever ask the question:

1. It's none of your business. Period.


Not a good enough reason for you? I'll go on.

2. There is no acceptable or simple answer to the question.
(Scenario 1- Me: “My morning breath is ridiculously bad.” You: “Oh yeah, that sucks. Makes sense now.”
Scenario 2- Me: “Well, let's start with my first boyfriend, Paul. . . .[30 minutes later]. . . .THEN! the long distance thing with Adam just wasn't working out. . . .” You: “Shoot me.”)

3. No matter how much you mean it to be, the question is NOT a compliment. You *supersweet voice*: “How on earth has someone not snatched you up yet?”

All the question does is perpetuate the idea that if one is (good, smart, hot, rich, accomplished, whatever) enough, then he/she will no longer be single.

Some of us are single by choice.

Some of us have had really tragic things happen to us in love.

Some of us do not find ourselves in social situations that are conducive to meeting marriage material.

Some of us really do have ridiculously bad morning breath.

And on a related note, it perpetuates the same idea when you say things like, “Oh, of course he/she didn't stay single for long! What a catch!”

There is no "good enough" to get married. We all know stupid people that are married. We all know ugly people that are married. We all know mean people that are married. Think about it.

I hate commitment.

Probably the only thing in life I can commit to is my hatred of commitment. I'm totally committed to hating commitment.

Ask me if I can join you for something this Friday. “Uh. . .not sure yet. Get back to me Friday afternoon.” Ask me which hotel we should book for an upcoming trip. “Can't we just wait till we get there and see what's there?” Ask me what I want to have for dinner tomorrow night. “Let's just hit restaurant row and see what we feel like.”

You get the idea. Commitment's hard for me.

But something tells me I'm not alone among mo-singles. You all get those fb invites. How many of you, without even thinking about it, go straight for the “Maybe” button? Mm hmm, that's right. So no judging.

If I can't commit to spending a few hours with you a few days in advance, how am I gonna commit to spending my ENTIRE LIFE with you? You see the dilemma.

Just the first of many reasons that “such a cute girl” can be single into her late 20s. Sorry, Mom. Someone else is gonna have to give you those grandkids you've been wanting.